Unconditional love

by libra_spirit 6 Replies latest jw friends

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  libra_spirit

  I have seen this talked about many times and on many XJW boards but never really hit on the reason I have searched so fervently for it.

  Why do I expect to find "unconditional love" in my relationships.

  Well the answer has smacked me in the face. Normal people, that is non JW associates, normally get this kind of love from thier parents. The parent child bond is the closest thing to unconditional love that I have ever felt, I have kids and I know this. In the JW Org however it is superceeded by Congregational law and rules of apearance. We XJW's are so void of this kind of love from our parents that we spend much of the rest of our lives searching for it in our relationships.

  A good friend pointed this out to me the other day and said "You XJWs need to quit expecting your spouses to love you as a mother, unconditionally, you are all out of balance and warped." "No one can give you this kind of love but your mommy!"

  Then I noticed how I try to overlay this same kind of unconditional love over everyone I know and even strangers. I seem to have this vision of a perfect world full of people who freely love one another and accept others as they are without judgment. Holy shit am I still manifesting JW programming? Should I only love my kids unconditionally? Why can't I have a relationship without boundaries? Guess I am still pretty sick!

  Well my bubble has been popped now and I am wondering why I post on these boards, to get some kind of connection with all you that is probably totally unrealistic, and share some measure of unconditional non-judgemental love, which is deterring me from the truth. I will never recieve unconditional love from anyone except myself! Boundaries are healthy (I really hate this one I detest it) I so don't want any boundaries in my relationships.
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  HoChiMin

  Libra;

  Witnesses are mostly idealists when it comes to daily life and dealing with fellow Witnesses. Unconditional love did not exist, as you say, among them between parent and child, it is overruled by WT dogma and destroys families natural ties. Not to say family ties are not broken outside the WT but they are not dictated, as if from god, and to be adhered to for fear of death.

  Will you ever find "unconditional love" even with strangers? I doubt it, but if you do have fun while it lasts.

  HCM
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  Xandria

  Libra:

  Unconditional, love is something we all search for the reason many of us look for it, is sadly because we never had it growing up in the Organization. An in the world today there is not much of it to be found because of many people having a warped sense of self worth, which they impart to you.

  You also have to realize many of us are still dealing with issues and programing we recieved growning up. I am glad you have unconditional love with your children. Finding it in a marriage is difficult. You said something that caught my eye though.. that you guess you will have to love yourself unconditionally. From that statement, I took it that you did not love yourself before .. either from what you saw yourself in or felt about yourself. The one thing that is destroyed in abuse is self esteem. The ablity to love yourself unconditionally.

  That is the key be LOVING yourself unconditionally. That means allowing yourself to accept that you are going to make mistakes and forgive yourself for them. That is the first step... the rest is part of the journey.

  Elenor Roosevelt stated only you can allow someone to make you feel inferior. You give people certain allowances to judge in your life.

  All I can say is this board for many has been a healing process. To allow yourself to vent and learn. Like the world around us .. there are some who come on here to judge and ridicule. Ignore those and go on, searching.. One day perhaps we all will get it right.

  Happy Journey.. to all of us.

  Xandria
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  Incense_and_Peppermints

  i personally believe that the only true unconditional love is between a parent and child. as a parent, you would accept anything about your child and support them through anything, no matter what. as a child, you would endure any amount of abuse and betrayal from your parents and still love them. you say:

  A good friend pointed this out to me the other day and said "You XJWs need to quit expecting your spouses to love you as a mother, unconditionally, you are all out of balance and warped." "No one can give you this kind of love but your mommy!"

  fisrt of all, i don't think labeling someone is ever a good thing, like when somone says "you so-and-so's are...".

  everyone wants love without conditions, whether they're former witnesses or not. it's not warped, it's human - human to want someone to love you for who you are, deep inside. otherwise your connection is superficial, and ultimately unfulfilling. i don't see your vision as a manifestation of your jw experience, or as something unrealistic or unhealthy. you also say:

  Guess I am still pretty sick!

  i hope you don't really believe that. something happened to me when i left the wts... i stopped allowing other people to tell me what to think, what to feel, and how to live my life, and how to love, who to love, who not to love, etc. i also don't permit anyone to make me mistrust my instincts or doubt my faith in myself.

  i began piloting my own boat and of course it's scary and the sea is choppy and i'm not safe in a lagoon, but i'll get it one of these days. at least i am master of my own craft now. why should you accept someone else's idea of what love is or isn't? if your heart and soul are crying out for it, then it is something rreal and true and should be honored, always. a true communion with another is indeed possible. you have to dwell in possibility...

  p.s. jw's don't love anyone without conditions. i spent 100% of my time trying to meet every single condition set forth by the wts, which is why i despise them. it's as if you have to stop being human; have to ignore your basic human desires and feelings and become a robot. a smiling robot.
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  Francois

  Libra,

  I think your desire for universal, unconditional love, for agape, is quiet reasonable. I think that's exactly what we are programmed, deep within the spiritual nature, to need and to expect. However, we are not located in the right time nor place for the actualization of these expectations.

  Paul said, "God is Love," so what else would you expect in a Love-dominated Universe BUT LOVE? Obviously, something is amiss or went amiss on this planet. It feels to me like we are under some sort of spiritual quarantine until we can get our shit straight. But it looks like we're so far away from the love ideal with which we were created that only intervention by a celestial being will do the trick for us. Unfortunately, we've already had one visit from a celestial being, and we, um, nailed him up. And I think that's why he was here - to put us back on The Way; to more clearly illuminate The Path for us. It's always been there, but we lost sight of it - except for a rare few. But those few who have seen the path have changed the world: Buddha, Lao Tsu, Mohandas Gandhi, Jesus Christ (who didn't so much see The Way, as He was and is The Way.

  As for our current situation, the one you enquire about, another great philosopher has identified the problem as well as the enemy, the one blocking universal agape, when he said, "We have met the enemy and he is us."

  $0.02

  francois
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  libra_spirit

  Thanks, you guys are great!

  (((Hugs))) to you all,

  DaveL
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  Lady Lee

  Unconditional love is not the same as having boundaries. I love my children unconditioanlly but I still have boundaries. I still know where I end and they begin. That is what boundaries are. I can love my child but still teach them that it is not OK to abuse me. And if they continue to abuse me I can state the boundary and set a limit to how much I will take. I will still love them unconditionally but I will put a limit on their behavior. Boundaries are mostly about behaviors. Love is about feelings.

  In a relationship I can love some one but my boundaries are not hte same as with my kids. I think I would love my kids no matter what. But in a relationship if he cheated on me I would stop loving him. He crossed a boundary of fidelity that would make it impossible for me to trust him again and then the love would be gone. Loving myself would mean that I don't let people hurt me and not take a stand on it.

  Loving my kids unconditionally doesn't mean I accept all their behavior. I can say I love YOU but your behavior is unacceptable. Hoping this makes sense.