Jesus Shocked by Visit To Childhood Home: "Neighborhood has really gone to hell"
BETHLEHEM Jesus Christ's return to his childhood home yesterday was reportedly "very disappointing," because of the dilapidated state of the surrounding area.
"The neighborhood has really gone to hell," shouted Our Lord and Savior over the staccato bursts of machine guns reporting and echoing. "I mean I have a lot of good and bad memories of this place, but this is nothing like it used to be. It's a fricking dump."
The Lord arrived only yesterday afternoon but has already chalked up a long list of complaints about "his old stomping grounds."
"God, look at everything! It's all different!" exclaimed an obviously betrayed Christ. "Over there across the street used to be Ferrillo's Candy Shop. It didn't matter how poor the child was, Mr. Ferrillo always had a piece of gum or a sweet for you. Now it's a burned out, gutted Mk3 tank. I used to throw rocks over there where that half a head is. Oh, and over there, that mall used to be a pond. I fished in that mall. God, nothing stays the same, man."
Added Jesus, "Billy Joel was right. You can never go back."
So far the Eternal Redeemer has elected to keep his visit low profile in order not to confuse his billions of multi-denominational worshippers into believing the beginning of the rapture is approaching.
"I just wanted to get away for a while, you know. And I realized I hadn't been back home in ages," said Jesu Christo, absent-mindedly kicking a soot-covered rear-view mirror. "With this war going on and all, I figured that would be a really confusing message to my people and to the people here. Like "Do Yahweh and Allah exist if you're here?" and all that, and I just wanted to kick back and relax in the old homestead, not talk theology. Leave the work at work, you know?
Jesus' trip home was further marred by the physical changes made to his original house, a small one-room manger, now a large church built to celebrate His birth, which is also temporarily housing a band of Palestinian gunmen and civilians taking refuge on holy ground from Israeli soldiers.
"I can't even hang out at home now. There's like a bazillion PLO guys in there. It's like, 'Did I invite everybody I knew to hang out for a few days in their places?' No." explained the now ticked Son of God. "And like they turned it into a giant, stone church too! Didn't anybody get the whole 'simple carpenter' theme? Did everybody miss the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? If I met the guys who built this, I'd be like 'You chose poorly.'"
Christ then pantomimed a man aging at a hyper-accelerated rate and turning into dust.
While HE later conceded that the situation was "totally messed up," he had yet to check out the whole town and was reserving further judgment until then.
"I'm not going to get my hopes up," admitted the living manifestation of God's Love. "I'm pretty sure that where that mortar shell just dropped was the wood where me and my friends used to play Centurions and Thief. And I just know the old deli is gone. I can feel it. God, I'd kill for a some thin-sliced pastrami."
Added Christ, "But I'll wait to pass judgment. I am supposed to be merciful and all that."