MEMO
FROM: New Heavens
TO: Earthly Chieftain Class
DATE: Year 2, after Armageddon
RE: Notes for Newly Resurrected Ones
Brothers and Sisters,
Please review the following items with those newly resurrected. This
information has been compiled based on reports we are getting from down
there on the Earth. We need to get some control here, brothers.
1. When you were resurrected into your new body, you were in the buff and
clothes weren't part of the package. Well, now that you're breathing
again, please put some clothes on. You are excited to be alive again as God
intended, but please - this may be the paradise, but it isn't the Garden
of Eden. There are six million others here, and the image of you running
around with the wind whistling through your ... whatever ... please cover
up.
2. Now that you're here, you're anxious to build yourself a new home, and
that's commendable. However, there are some guidelines we all must
adhere to for the benefit of all, and this particularly applies to those of you
who formerly lived in the southern part of the United States. NO TRAILERS.
Does everyone understand that? Houses can be made of wood or stone, but
no mobile homes. After all, trailer parks were one of the reasons why God
wiped out the old system.
3. With regards to food, we must ask you newly resurrected ones to please
get over the idea of eating meat. This is particularly important in view
of all the animals walking around now. NO, you cannot have a hamburger.
Again, we don't mean to target those of you from the south, but NO
SQUIRREL either. And your brothers of color - no fried chicken. You Orientals
will have to leave the dogs and cats alone too. Look, everyone is going
through adjustments to be here, it's not just you. After a while, you will get
used to vegetables, really.
4. Many of you are anxious to get in touch with long lost loved ones, but
you're going to have to be patient. There is no email anymore, so those
of you who were alive in the last days of the old system, you're just going
to have to rely on word of mouth and letters for now. You can't go into
chat rooms anymore either. We don't have any plans for anything resembling
the internet until at least after Satan is removed from his abyss and
destroyed, so you're looking at at least 1,000 years. Now you can appreciate how
everyone else lived before the 1990s.
5. While we're speaking of technology, for those of you who lived in the
1900s, television is also out for now. Do you know how ugly the New
World would look with antennas sticking up all over the place? Have you ever
seen a satellite dish in any of the Society's New World illustrations? We
promised to get you here, and you made it - that's great. But you're not
going to be able to catch up on all the episodes of Friends and ER that
you missed after you died.
6. We have received reports that some of you have been making fun of the
Chinese. This was standard stuff back in the old world, when people
would squint there eyes and talk like the guy who takes the order at the local
Szechwan take out place. News flash: in the New World, we all speak the
same language. Some of you have made fun of the Chinese thinking they
don't know what you're doing, but get a clue - we all speak Hebrew now, so it's
just not funny anymore. Please be considerate of the Orientals. Anyone
refusing to comply with this request will be reported to Job.
7. One of the blessings of the new world is peace with the animal realm,
so it is sad that some are engaging in practical jokes. On at least three
occasions, friends have evacuated the water and beaches of the shore when
someone on land thought it would be funny to yell "Shark!" This put a
good scare in everyone until they realized that sharks are now as timid as
minnows. It may have been funny watching your brothers and sisters run
from the water, but this isn't loving is it?
8. This may be the New World, but no, you still cannot fly. Anyone
attempting to do so by jumping off a high cliff will not be saved by
angels. This warning is the only one you'll receive, so please don't try this.
The Master has stated anyone who does this will NOT receive another
resurrection.
9. In the old world, almost everyone, when asked "What do you want to do
in the New World", has said, "learn to play an instrument." Therefore, many
are doing this today. However, please realize that you're not a very
good musician yet. Can you keep it down please? Close the windows? Shut the
doors? Turn down the amp? Someday you may perfect this, but you will
not be perfect for at least 1,000 years, and neither will your playing.
Consideration people - that's all we're asking.
10. Finally, we're all happy to be here in the New World and there is
much work to do. Everyone is required to work, and we do have sufficient time
off to rest and recreate. Yet, it has been reported that some brothers
have attempted to call in and take SICK DAYS. Brothers, there are NO SICK
DAYS. This is the New World, remember? No one will say, "I am sick." You may
have been able to use this excuse for your worldly employer, but it won't
be accepted here.
Now, we hope everyone will cooperate with these points for the benefit of
everyone.