New found relatives

by Vivamus 5 Replies latest jw friends

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  Vivamus

  I had one of those major dilemmas this morning. Basic question swirling through my mind was "can I wear jeans?".

  I only recently have some contact with my dad. My parents got divorced when I was three, and contact with my dad, and relatives from dads side, never were good from that point on. When I became a witness, contact ceased all together. Only recently have I begun to see my dad again. I have decided to let bygones be bygones, and just start with a new slate with him. Things are going great, I actually really, really like the man.

  Yesterday, late in the evening, he send me an email asking me if I would be willing to go visit his mum, my grandma. I had seen the lady maybe three times in twenty years. And so my feelings for her, were actually nonexistent, curious, but not anxious to meet her. Anyway, while getting dressed this morning, I all of a sudden did become a bit nervous, my good pants had a tore, and my black pants zipper decided to break all of a sudden, and all that was left, were a pair of jeans. So, jeans it was, nothing could be done about it.

  My "new" grandma is a very nice lady, first thing I noticed was a picture of a four-year-old, me. It is kind of sweet that she had that picture up. But I cant help it, I have no feeling like "this I my family" when I see her. She is just an old sweet lady to me. When I think of family, it is the family from my mums side, a warm and closely knitted group of loving people, and there I belong. And I cant help but feeling a bit guilty of not having the same feelings for my other relatives, especially since they are so glad to see me. Has anyone else had experiences like this?

  Viv.
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  Undecided

  Hi Viv,

  No one except my mom was a JW on her side of the family, but all my dad's relatives were JWs. So from my youth it didn't seem as though my mom's side of the family was really family. I never was close with any of them. I missed a lot of love because of this. We visited them often but they were worldly so this feeling of "we're better than you" got in the way of real closeness. Almost all of them on both sides of the family are dead now, so it's too late to change it now.

  Ken P.
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  Lady Lee

  Viv the kind of bond you are talking about takes time. You need to get to know these people. They might be relatives but they are still strangers. Just take your time and get to know them.

  You will find thius is sort of like being adopted and finding your birth family. Some you will learn to love. Others you will hate and a whole bunch will be in the middle somewhere.

  Best wishes to you on getting to know them

  Lee
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  Vivamus

  Thank you Lee, I guess you're right. it will take time to get to know them, and get feeling for them.

  Ken, I am sorry you didn't get a chance to really know your family. You are right, being a JW makes you look down on other people. It humbles me to think back on how arrogant I was personally.

  I am very fortunate of having a fantastic family on my mums side. My dad's side... for now it just feels weird. So I shall just give it time.
• 

  Xandria

  Viv:

  I can relate to how you feel some, when my father "returned" me to my mom after 5 years of seperation ( dad parentally took me against the custody my mom had). I had to get to know my mom again ( she was not the person I remembered) and know my sister and a new sister I never knew I had. She was 5 when I was returned. Just take it one day at a time.

  Xandria
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  RandomTask

  My parents split when I was 12 and had a bitter divorce. My mom got custody and so for the rest of my teen years I got to hear about how evil my dad was, it didn't help that he moved halfway across the country shortly thereafter. When my parents were together I didn't have much of a relationship with him, so you can imagine the kind of relationship I had with him afterwards, especially when my mother took any effort on my or my sister's part to want contact with him as a personal affront to her.

  So skip forward to after I got married, my dad came out to visit his new wife's family who live in the same place I do and he stopped by to see me and my wife. I hadn't seen him or even really talked to him in 8 or so years. Needless to say, it was quite awkward. I kind of had lost that "this is my dad" feeling for him and that really made me sad. I've only called him a couple of times since then and I haven't talked to him in about two years. I hate it and I feel like my father has been taken away from me.

  The witnesses had a stranglehold on my mom and I attribute what happened to her attitudes which were shaped by her witness instruction. I think its the reason my father left, he couldn't deal with the way she treated him anymore. I don't blame him for doing it, but I still love my mother and see her often, but not having a Father is a hole I have in my life that I feel will never be fully filled.

  So I hear what you are saying about your family, its sad and depressing, the only thing that helps me to move on is knowing that I will have a child someday and I will be there for him or her. I want to focus my life on giving my child a good family and a normal family, something I never really had.