As many of you noted when I posted the last essay written by my daughter, that girl is on sumpin'. This will confirm your worst suspicions about my parenting.
I was inspired by the Connie Chung interview Wed to sign up for cable reception. My daughter was inspired at what inspired me. She wrote the following, her idea of how a Chonnie Cung interview might go:
Constipation Nation
Hi, I'm Chonnie Cung. Welcome to Chonnie Cung on ENN. And tonight we have 2 interesting and, at times graphic interviews, so you may want to keep your children away from the television, or be irresponsible people and let them watch. I assure you, you'll be watching this in horror so keep your children away from the television unless youre crappy parents.
Speaking of crappy, that brings us to our first interview tonight. Are you sure you want to hear this? If you're being irresponsible at the moment, then stop it and put your children in the other room for the first 30 minutes or so. I'll tell you when the interview is over. And if you're not their parents, then just please put the children in another room. They may not be yours, but you aren't fooling Chonnie Cung!
Anyways, our first interview tonight....are the children out of the room yet? Let's just go to a commercial break and when we come back you'll have had enough time to get the children out of the room and fully occupied.
And we're back on ENN, I'm Chonnie Cung. So, are your kids out of the room yet? Ok, good. I'll take that as a yes. Our first interview tonight is with a workout trainer. It may seem normal enough, and quite boring, but don't turn off your television until the next interview. Now that one is boring! But as I said, our first interview tonight is with a workout trainer from San Franpoopsco, California. Normally, this would be a job that nobody would think of exactly as glorifying unless you were that Tae Bo guy, Billy Blanks. Is he dead yet? I don't know. Anyways, this workout trainer is named Constant Crappot. She quit her job as a personal trainer at Jenny Craig to start her own workout business, called Constiwork, and it's set off magnificently. She already has 50 Constiwork workout studios across America and the number is rising. Her business has quickly passed the multi-million dollar mark and is going for the big billion. But here's the catch. She trains people to get rid of their constipation. Yes, that's what I said, constipation. We asked her for an interview. She obviously accepted because if she didn't we wouldn't be talking about he r right now.
And here's the video...bob, sorry bill, roll the video do you have it? well find it! don't we have it? You just told me we had it.. yes you did... that's what you said they have it on tape bill I have proof you said it now find the tape for me NOW! thank you bill FINALLY!!! Ok, roll the tape Bob. sorry. Roll the tape Bill.
Chonnie: Hi Ms. Crappot, thank you for joining us here at Chonnie Cung.
Constant: Well thank you for having me, Ms. Chung
Chonnie: It's Mrs.
Constant: Ok, sorry.
Chonnie: So tell me, what exactly do you do?
Constant: I'm a workout trainer for people with constipation. I help them get rid of their constipation quickly, and still beating a little sense into them and getting them to understand why they got to this critical poop point in their life and why they shouldn't get here again. It's a really good class to take even if you don't have constipation. Just a good way to keep yourself out of the nationwide constipation problem. That's why I like to call the United States the Constipation Nation.
Chonnie: Ah.
Constant: Is that the whole interview?
Chonnie: For heaven's sake! I was just surprised. In short, no we are not done with the interview.
Constant: Ok then.
Chonnie: So, what is it that you do exactly?
Constant: I just told you that. I'm a constipation workout trainer. Just read above^^^
Chonnie: Oh yeah, sorry. What is the workout program like?
Constant: Well normally, in each class I do there are 10 to 20 students. Every person that signs up for the classes gets 3 lessons every other day for a week, not including the weekend. Every class gets a little harder until the last class, where we peak the hardness and see how every student did overall. The worst grade is 3, the best grade is 33. We judge every student by their strength, concentration on their mission, and how much they can endure.
Chonnie: That's, uh, lovely. What exercises do the students do during the classes and what is the classroom like?
Constant: Well, every workout room is the same. Since the maximum amount of students is 20, the workout room consists of 20 flushable toilets facing towards me. Then behind where I stand and guide the students through their mission is a mirror covering the whole wall, so the students can see themselves. Studies show that if people can watch themselves while they're making progress with a hard activity, they are more likely to succeed and end the activity with great satisfaction and high grades. Oh yeah, and all the carpets are colored poop brown, in case one of the toilets overflows and we have a potty mess to clean up. The classes start with all the students coming into the workout room and checking off their names so that I know everybody's here. Then everybody picks out a toilet that they will use for all the classes. Then, the workout begins.
The first exercise everybody does is lifting up the toilet seat as fast as they can. This helps people with overactive buttocks to get to the toilet as fast as they can so they don't have an accident. After everybody is speedy with the toilet lifting process, we practice pulling down our pants at lightning speed. I make sure everybody is too occupied with this exercise to look at anyone else. Once everybody's acquainted with this maneuver, we sit on the toilet and push and squeeze as hard as we can. We provide gas masks for everybody because it will get gassy. That's not if, that's when. The way to keep the students going is to repeat the two mag-
Chonnie: Yes fascinating. Sorry to interrupt but I have to tell everybody that has children watching that you will want to put your children in the other room unless you're crappy parents. Ok, go ahead.
Constant: Ok. Well I was saying, the way to keep the students going is to repeat the two magic words: push! And squeeeeeeeeze! After the lesson is over I thank everybody for coming and tell the students to come in the day after tomorrow. The next part of the class is making it a little more complicated. The toilets now rock back and forth through the whole lesson. This gives the students the skills to master pooping and constipation during bad weather (e.g. hurricanes, earthquakes, etc.). And then on the last lesson we add another thing or two. The toilets rock back and forth much faster, the toilets are also going up and down and spinning around and we are judging every single one and they don't have the 2 magic words accompanying them. After that, the test is completely over and all students can go home to rest from their mission. More than 94% of my students go home happy and I check back with them every 2 months to see if any of their constipation had come back.
Chonnie: Wow. I might be taking those classes pretty soon ahahahahaha!
Constant: rrriiiggghhhttt.
Chonnie: Ok. And my last question is kind of hard I hope you can answer it Ms. Crappot. There is a growing so called fellowship of people that say they paid you 100s of dollars for just 3 classes, and that none of it helped and you said that plus tax the total for the cost would be $3,000 and 42 cents, and then you never showed up for any class and neither did your back up trainers. Is this true?
Constant: Who are you to ask a question like that?! UhOfof course I
showed up! That so-called "fellowship" you're talking about? They're all lying! They're liars I tell you liars!
Chonnie: How can we trust you any more than we can trust the fellowship? You might just be pulling a con.
[Constant Crappot gets up and tries to get out of the building.]
Chonnie: We've got you now Ms. Crappot! Surrender or else! Hey, I feel
like a James Bond girl. SWEET!
Constant: You SHOT me! Ouch! That really hurt!
Chonnie: goodbye America. Haha! Told you, you crappy parents! I told you it would get graphic! I'm so right! And our next interview is with---
[TV turned off]
Siane Dawyer: I knew it would be boring!
The Crappy End
Edited by - SixofNine on 16 August 2002 19:50:55