Molestation Case That Hurts My Soul-Non-JW

by Undecided 2 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse

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  Undecided

  Hi All,

  There are things in this life that can shock and disappoint us when we learn the truth about things. We never know a persons real character for sure, we only think we do. Sometimes a person can be good and evil at the same time and possibly not able to control it. I just dont understand why humans act the way we do in many circumstances.

  I had a very good friend that I worked with, we went on fishing trips together to the coast, we visited each others homes with our families. He seemed like a very good person.

  About 10 years ago while at work one day he seemed troubled and said only a few words, I didnt want to pry into his home life so I didnt question him about it. About an hour after I got off work that day, my boss called and told me he had committed suicide. I was shocked. I could hardly believe this. I still miss him 10 years later.

  I was told that he was accused of molesting his adopted daughters but never really got any details. This morning I learned the details. My wife has a class in college with one of his adopted daughters and this morning she called my wife and revealed the details. I really feel sorry for the daughters and Danny. She didnt call to discuss this subject but she brought it up during the conversation with my wife.

  Its hard for me to believe but she said Danny would come into the bedroom of her and her sister and molest them. Her sister was mentally retarded. She said he would fondle her sister and then go all the way as she described it. He convinced her it was OK. He would also fondle her but when he tried to go all the way she would run. She said he would sit and cry after the molesting. She reported the molestation at school when they had a class discussing it, mainly because of her sister. She said he was a good kind father and she hates her mother today more than him. She said her adoptive mother (Dannys wife}was mean to them and beat them. She feels Danny had some problem that he couldnt handle and she just wanted to get him help and live a normal life. Her mother kicked her out when she reached 18 and put her sister in a home for the mentally ill. She said her mother had men come over and spend the night 2 weeks after Danny killed himself.

  She is now married and has her sister living with her. Its really hard to believe this could happen, especially when I thought I knew him so well. He was really a good person, I just dont understand what happened to him. It sort of makes me feel that life is so unfair and I cant trust anyone.

  Ken P.
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  Lady Lee

  NOTE: Some of my comments might be triggering to some people. Please don't read if you are feeling vulnerable

  Danny I won't even pretend that I know what goes on in the mind of a molester. I don't I only know the other side - the victim.

  What I do know is that many people who have never bonded with their children as infants are at higher risk of abusing them. Men who are totally involved in the daily care of their children are at lower risk. Most men who abuse do so after some life change - loss of job, bankruptcy, illness (although that doesn't always apply either) but it puts men at greater risk.

  Many people who abuse are good con artists. They know how to hide. It is like they are 2 different people. One is the nice guy, good repuation, pillar of the community etc. I believe that many JWs are like this. They get away with the abuse so long because no one would believe the victims and the victims don't tell because they know no one would believe that this man is an abuser. I have worked with numerous women whose abuser fell into this category. (The other category is just plain nasty and everyone knows it - my father is like the nasty one but my step-father was the guy everyone loved).

  In reality some men do feel remorse over their behavior but they are too scared to try to get help and probably wouldn't have known where to go anyways (even now treatemnt programs for abusers are rare and have long waiting lists)

  If your friend was the first "good guy" sort then there wouldn't have been much for you to see. A lot of people think they should have picked up on something. If they are good at hiding it is hard to know what to look for. Some people also feel bad that they could have liked such a person. You liked the part he showed you - one side only. And he probably made really sure you never saw the other side.

  I can accept that a man like this abuses a child once out of lack of control or whatever you want to call it. But the moment he realizes he will be in trouble if he is caught is the moment he knows he has done wrong. It is also the moment he begins to plan his defense. He thinks about his lies to protect himself. He considers what to say if confronted. He plans this very carefully. I have talked to a few and they had their answers ready.

  But the next time he abuses a child it isn't an accident. He has to begin to plan. How to get the child alone. How to keep her quiet. How to make sure no one catches him. And if someone was to walk in he has a "story" to tell them ("Just tucking her in" or "I thought she was having a nightmare" are common). My point is he plans each and every attack after that first time.

  The horror for the child is that she has to get up in the morning and pretend nothing happened. But she lives with the fear that it will happen again. And again. She too learns to play a game - one persona for the world and another to herself.

  And as horrible as abusing a child is, research shows that children with disabilities are at much higher risk of being abused than other children.

  You are right when you say that we never can really know a person - well some people. Those who need to hide - do
• 

  DJ

  Daer Ken,

  I am sorry for your pain. I hope one day soon you feel you can trust. I understand that feeling completely and I'm sure that most of the people here can too. I am not sure but I suspect that you are being hard on yourself. There is no way you could have known that this was his 'other side.'

  Someday, this will be a distant memory for you. Carry on with your days with a smile. I'll pray that your soul is healed. There is an awful lot of rotten stuff around us everyday but it is what you do with your life that matters. With Love, dj