So I was working alone the other day and my mind wandered back into the past. There are things that we do that we do not understand untill years later. I read about the heroic efforts some make to leave the JW's and I read about the noble reasons that many have for leaving. But I had to make an honest oberservation about myself and the one thing that finally drove me to begin to leave the organisation.
There are of course many contributing factors but the one powerful force that drove me even after all the prgramming and study and warnings and fear and guilt was, well, sex. I wanted to get laid. Bottom line. The storybook route of finding that near-perfect sister to marry and wait out the end of this system was not going to work for me. I needed it and I needed it right then.
I remeber riding in a car with some older teen witnesses who each began telling about the time that they had sinned and here they all were back in the fold. I was embarrassed that I was still a virgin and I was angry that they could do this and still be accepted when I had lived up to everything that the WT had demanded of me and I was being somewhat ridiculed by my fellow witnesses.
I think about all of the opportunities I had passed upon, all of the young ladies who didn't quite understand and I am amazed that I lasted that long. It probably was for the best however. The only regret I guess I have is that I had to feel so guilty after finally giving in to my natural desires. I do not feel guilty now and I am thankful that primal desires were far stronger in me than years of indoctrination because the course that I chose led me to freedom from the prison of the WTS.