What they say and what they mean:
In the hall, out in service or at the convention:
"Sister Ester (aka Polly), how WONDERFUL to see you! Hasnt Jehovah BLESSED us this fine day?" (God woman what WERE you thinking when you put that outfit on today?)
"I wanted SO BADLY to Auxilliary Pioneer this month, but this ankle..it just wont stop hurting me. I think Satan is trying to keep me from Pioneering." - (I signed up and Im bored to death with going out every freakin day, the ankle wrap is fake, and besides Oprah is on at 9 AM.)
"Brother Dogbreath, I LOVED your talk today! What a wonderful, encouraging and uplifting job you did delivering Jehovah's fine message to his sheep!" - Gawd man, it was everything I could do to not SLEEP through that talk! Didnt you do the part in the school about WORD WHISKERS?? I almost ran up there and took your PULSE, could you have BEEN duller??
"Brothers and Sisters! It requires a lot of effort and love to put on a convention such as this. Are we not BLESSED to be here partaking of Jehovahs FEAST? (wild applause) Yes...yes we are indeed...but as of today, our costs for holding this wonderful occasion, have not yet been met, so we need to remember to GIVE to Jehovah of our material goods so that we can CONTINUE in this fine manner..." - (Alright you IDIOTS...dont you SEE those boxes every 15 feet all over the freakin arena with CONTRIBUTION written on them??? Dont you KNOW that fully 70% of what we collect here goes DIRECTLY to the Society and we dont bother to tell you that? Empty those pockets nit wits and quit whining your baby has no milk!)
"Brother Comfort, I have been SOOO depressed lately! I think that Jehovah doesnt love me any more and I am having trouble praying." (Im sick of this shit...tired of meetings...dont want to ever SAY the name Jehovah again, and Im leaving soon....but I cant say any of that because you will take my family from me.)
"Sister Depressed, you need to go to meetings more and nourish yourself from the table of Jehovahs fine spiritual food! Study the bible daily, and keep your mind busy with the things of the Kingdom, and you will soon be well!" (Get off your ass and go to the hall lady and quitcher bitchin to me. I dont want to HEAR it and frankly if I have to go and listen to that drivel day in and day out, so do YOU, and dont read the bible without the literature or you will be cast into darkness, er...I mean you will probably wise up and leave the organization.)
"Dont we LOVE the JOY going out in Jehovahs service brings us?" (wild applause) - (Except for a few wackos NONE of us love this crap, but I have to say this because the CO is here.)
"There would be SOME who mock Jehovahs Organization, spreading LIES about the TRUTH in nationally published and broadcast media. We would do WELL to avoid these ones." (Look, turkeys, we KNOW some of yall watched that Dateline show..lies I tell ya! LIES! And that crap in the paper? and those COURT CASES? Alllllll liessssssss...well...most of it anyway. Ok, just a little of it. And I watched it too....but only ONLY because I thought it would help me out in field service. WHATS YOUR EXCUSE??)
"Wasnt the District Convention wonderful this year? I came away SO refreshed and uplifted! I cant WAIT for the review at the hall so we can go over all that encouraging information all over again!" - (What would you think if I said it SUCKED?? I mean thats what I WANT to say...Ive never been so damn bored in my entire life short of LAST years convention. My feet are swollen, my kids have heat stroke, I got hemmorhoids from SITTING for three days and I lost my job for taking yet ANOTHER day off for what amounted to regurgitation of LAST YEARS spiritual tuna cassarole.)
add your own :)