Mental Anguish

by doubtingsister 9 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  doubtingsister

  I'm getting ready for the book study. The only reason I'm even going is because I've got several friends I don't want to break ties with yet. They are counting on me to help them stay strong in the "truth". Oh boy, if they only knew what I do now and how this is eating me up.

  It won't be long till I either go crazy or make a scene and become known as an evil apostate, a weak one that let the "internet" get to me. This is making me physically and emotionally ill. I'm so glad I can come here and read about all of you and how you're working through this. I don't think I could turn to anybody else, no one would understand. My husband feels for me, but he has no idea how ingrained this is in me.

  Thanks for letting me vent. I imagine I'll be bothering all of you more often in the next few weeks.

  Anne
• 

  zev

  Your not alone I thought I was till I read your post. Now I know I'm not alone.

  __

  zev

  Sitting on the Wrong Side of the Fence Class
• 

  SixofNine

  Ease out my friends. Don't burden yourself thinking you have to stay in for a very long period of time, but on the other hand, ease out on your timetable.

  I know it is very frustrating, but view it as YOU being in control of the situation for once. (I know it doesn't feel like that) If you have people inside counting on you, that means that you are in a position to do some real good, if they are honest hearted*, and you play your cards right.

  It is your life, but they can f%$k it up. Do what you can not to let them.

  Ps, I know my advice is easier said than done. I purposely and deliberately missed one meeting, with the thought that it was the right thing to do, and I have not been back in months.

  *hehehehehe, I love using that term this way! It's empowering.

  Edited by - SixofNine on 22 March 2001 19:3:46
• 

  Esmeralda

  ((((((HUG))))))) Anne!

  I'm so sorry for the position you're in. I remember when I felt that horrible feeling of knowing that I would
  lose friends and relatives when I finally followed my heart and left the organization.

  I did lose a lot of them. But there have been a few surprises. A dear friend who shunned me for a year
  following my df'ing has now left the organization as well, and we are rebuilding our relationship.

  Now, I hear that the daughter of my friend has now just recently left the organization. She has been
  given my number, and I hope that she calls me.

  One of my male cousins has also recently left, and even though he's not physically living near me now,
  we are still close.

  You will lose some people when you leave. But that price is not nearly as high as the price you will pay if you
  stay in and lose yourself.

  You say that your husband doesn't understand...is he a JW? If he's not, you have a great security blanket to help ease your journey out.

  I look forward to hearing from you as you post here in the future. You're not a bother, and as the others
  have said, you are definitely not alone.

  Take courage.

  *hug*
  Esmeralda

  The Four Agreements:
  Be Impeccable With Your Word
  Don't Take Anything Personally
  Don't Make Assumptions
  Always Do Your Best
• 

  doubtingsister

  Thanks Zev, Six, Esmeralda,

  My husband was fortunate enough not to be raised a witness (he was a Catholic, but barely attended). So, it's probably a dream come true for him that I'm snapping out of it. He's already telling me that we'll have to take the kids on their first egg hunt this year. I'm not sure if I can enjoy such a thing without pangs of guilt or looking over my shoulder constantly. But, I'm not going to make a big deal out of it, just going to let the kids have a little fun till I get myself together.
  Another aspect I don't look forward to is having to tell people I made a mistake, like my mother-in-law. I hate thinking of how smug my attitude must have been when defending my faith. I hope I can convince them that it wasn't my intention to hurt them or deprive them, just stupid conditioning and I hope they'll forgive me.

  I've always thought I was "special" and that other people just didn't appreciate the life God gave them. That they would rather enjoy their lives now instead of "storing up treasures" for later.
  I wonder how many years all this conditioning will take to wear off me? Is anyone here going to a therapist to deal with these issues? Would they even understand?

  It's so embarrassing to try and explain sometimes. As I pose a question to my husband I stop myself because I realize how ridiculous the whole thing is sometimes.

  I guess we're all in this together.

  Es: I keep hoping that if I leave certain other friends will be encouraged to eventually leave. I can't help, but think many are having doubts and are afraid to make that step also. I guess I'll find out soon enough. Thanks for the encouraging words.

  I appreciate all of your comments, you are real Christians in every sense of the word.
• 

  rollercoaster

  Hi Doubtingsister,
  You are not alone. I understand how you feel. It is so hard to break away when your "friends" are asking why you weren't at the meetings or why you aren't staying in touch as much. You feel guilty every time you talk to them. When you do finally make the break, you will have to explain to your family. I was very lucky to have family that understand and are relieved that I am now questioning the society. They are impressed with my self progress. Being sure of what I do regarding business and finances. They listen to me when I am upset or doubting.
  Your children will thrive. I have been concerned about my child. But when I think about all she has missed out on. She doesn't have the life experiences to make good, informed decisions. Now I am trying to fill in those gaps. She has to cultivate new friendships and build trust in her choices of friends. As you know, it's hard in this day and age to find healthy activities when in your teens.
  You will be O.K. just keep telling yourself that.
  I am still in "good standing". But I don't even attend meetings. I don't have association with the witnesses either. I am in "transition" right now.
  What are your reasons for pulling away from the organizaiton?
  Just remember that the people here are very understanding and will always be there for you. I know they have been for me.

  Keep me updated on your progress.
  RC
• 

  Esmeralda

  Hang in there sweetie...and do lean on your husband for support. My (second) husband was baptized
  as a catholic as a baby but never taken to church. He has no 'religious' upbringing, but he is
  the most noble, and upstanding and respectable man I have ever known.

  Try to keep the guilt at bay about the easter egg hunt. Believe me, it's not a big deal. The WT view
  of things is so skewed...after you're away from it for awhile, things will get easier.

  keep us posted on how you're doing! Your'e in my thoughts

  *hugs*
  Essie

  The Four Agreements:
  Be Impeccable With Your Word
  Don't Take Anything Personally
  Don't Make Assumptions
  Always Do Your Best
• 

  Unchained

  Dear Anne,
  I felt just like you a year ago. It was so bad that I came to a point that I once silently cried during several of the meetings. I too felt that I had to stay for several people but I finally realized that I had to take the risk of leaving for my own sake.
  I have not been attending meetings for almost a year now and none of those people have even bothered to call.
  I slowly started realizing that this cult is not from God.
  Analyze everything you have learned. Everything you have seen.
  Now ask yourself the same question. Do you think the Jehovah's Witnesses are really God's organization as they claim to be?

  I hope you make the right decision for yourself.

  Truly,
  Unchained
• 

  ZazuWitts

  Dear Doubtingsister,

  I can feel your pain, confusion, and dilemma as to what steps to take next.
  It's never easy to face the probability that your now 'friends' will be forced to eventually shun you. Sadly enough, in order to be true to yourself, and even to your family, you ultimately will find yourself taking steps to get away from it all. Only you can truly know when the time is right. You might start with just 'missing' one meeting per week...then a day of field service and so on. I think what might happen if you do so, is that when you actually see how you are 'judged and treated' it will firm your resolve that you are, indeed, making the right decision in leaving. At some point you will want, and need, to put your self-integrity and spirituality before that of any man-made orgqanization, and their round about path to a personal relationship with your God.

  And, please don't worry about explaining to other people, such as your mom-in-law - when she sees you, your husband and child participating in the 'things' she considers quite normal she will probably be jumping 10 feet in the air and clicking her heels with joy, if she could! She will ask her own questions if she is interested in knowing why you left.

  There is so much more I could say to you. Come back here frequently to visit with us...it will help in the transition, as Rollercoaster attested to in her post. Remember, Zev stated the same feelings and felt 'alone.'
  So, see, just sharing your story helped poster Zev. Six's advice about taking control for yourself is excellent, and Esmarelda's regarding leaning on your husband is too. It is true, having not been a JW, he can't fully understand how 'ingrained' (good choice of words,
  BTW) it all is - but he can support you in your transition into normal activities you haven't been accustomed to - and you'll have the time to enjoy, at last.
  
  One last thought - I have always felt that men who become involved with or marry women who are/were JW's are extra special fellas! Think about it, what they have had to put up with - all the meetings, field service, etc., no celebrations, and on and on. Hmmmm, if you think you have a good marriage now - I bet it just gets better and better.
  I'm sure we'll 'speak' again, Anne.
  :):)
• 

  OrangeBlossom

  I'm in the exact same boat as you. I occasionally go to meetings just to keep us the front. But in my heart of hearts I have left "the truth". It's very difficult when you have loved ones that are so brainwashed. If I were to completely walk away now it would crush my mom so I keep pretending. But as someone else mentioned above, start missing a few meetings and see how you are treated in the hall. I haven't been in field service for at least a year and I know that I am secretly marked. Of course I could give a rat's patooty about that. One elder in my hall knows that I have doubts and he's been trying to help me, and he is really a great guy. If all elders were like him I may have never doubted that JW's had the truth, but that's another story.

  Anyway, keep posting. It's encouraging to know that there are others that can relate to what you are going through. BTW, my mom-in-law tells me all the time what an encouragement I am to her, talk about guilt...I keep up the front because I don't want to disappoint her either.