Hello,
It is 5:14 AM and I have not slept...MY pattern of sleep has reveresed ..BUt I will do my best to lay a foundation for the rest of my story.. IT is long so I will cut corners and by the ned ( if I get there) I hope that SOME people will remember most of it...I am hoping this will help me heal .
TO begin with... I had depression as a child ....call it sadness..Children do not have the Vocabulary or understanding with which to label things.and they more often than not internalize and take blame for what may be considered abuse.....As a child I was rather AWARE and analytical.. This sadness came from my own genetics AND living with an erratic ( bipolar pehaps father) and a depressive mother.....no one knew! I felt somethung was wrong but as I voiced it in my teens I became the BAD one...DAd was verbally abusive and mom backed him up due to her own" STUFF" MOM Hispanic abd Catholic dad was A non practicing Jew..........MOM was raised to be super resonsible and to take CRap from her husband,,,her own father being an alcoholic,,,,,,,along the way many MAJOR family tragedies occured........MOm was always praying and " accepting her lot in life".......
I felt a loss and hole in my chest and I asked GOd BEGGED God to help me to be a father to me.......When we went to the woods I used to talk to the trees and nature and look up at the sky and JUST KNOW that there was a benevolent 'someone" looking out for me...
As I got older I serached for the right way to Find GOD....I felt that once I found THIS then all woud be well.......... I read about many "Christian" religions read parts of the BIBle led my life like a nun...
I investgated pentocostal Churches that are referred to as LEGALISTIC Nowadays......( I am over 40).......I looked at the cathoilics EVEN asked questiosn of a Priest and he failed he test...........I ahd never been bapstized and I wanted it to be the ABSOLUTLY right place.........as if I were marrying GOD............I am depressive POSISIBLY BIpolar2.....I have read where some illness manifest in obsssions with religious things .....( GOD ) ........perhaps it is so .....but so many I Knew in various groups seemed to be SURE and seemes to not suffer as I .........MY mother;s respnse to me sadness was to take me to a spiritualist and I knew at THAT Time this was like a Pysch doc to her culture.........
There is MORE abt my childhood MUCH MUCH MORE....But I will end this bt saying that The stage was set for me to enter a HIGH control group.... as my father AND mother were BOth patriaachial MOm being sooooooooo passive submissve..........
just a note: Dysfunctional groups ( systems) resemble each other.........