Cat Bathing as a Martial Art

by waiting 6 Replies latest social humour

  • waiting
    waiting

    Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick
    themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in
    their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt
    where it hides and whisks it away.

    I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind
    believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary -
    the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt
    smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

    The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must
    look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary
    and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in
    Juarez."

    When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some
    advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your
    arm and head for the bathtub:

    * Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack
    of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
    Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try
    to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him.
    Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet
    square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close
    the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A
    simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a
    three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift
    positions.)

    * Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the
    skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and
    know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls
    tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh
    gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak
    jacket.

    * Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a
    towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw
    the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass
    enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying
    on your back in the water.

    * Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to
    simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice
    your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a
    rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are
    taking part in a product-testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

    * Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a
    single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub
    enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and
    squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45
    seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now
    has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not
    expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a
    time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him
    another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free
    and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The
    national record is -- for cats -- three latherings, so don't expect
    too much.)

    * Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this
    part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out
    at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In
    fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been
    through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to
    your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach
    for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up
    clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best
    thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward
    your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a
    simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

    In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg.
    He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
    spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become
    psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

    You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the
    case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your
    defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him
    a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.

    Chuckled provided by Jan Groenveld

  • waiting
    waiting

    My response:

    Still laughing...... I had an 18 lb black/white darling, named Tuxedo, that
    I finally decided must have a bath. Got everything ready - then plopped him
    in the 2 inches of water - after which he immediately attached himself to my
    chest (now soaking wet) and curled his arms around my neck - claws stretched
    to the limit in my neck. All this time he continued his blood curdling
    scream.

    It took about 5 minutes to get him off my chest. I learned several new ways
    to string my four cuss words together during that time. After getting his
    claws out of my neck - I dried him off and tended to my bleeding wounds.
    Tuxedo ran and hid for a couple of days - still whimpering, hissing and
    looking wild eyed when approached.

    That was his only bath of his long lifetime. I learned my lesson. He died fat, old, and smelly.

    waiting

    **********************************************************************
    Jan's response - and counsel:

    You are making the cat bathing to hard. See my dog's instructions.
    ---------------------------------------------------

    HOW TO BATHE THE CAT

    1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

    2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water,
    and have both lids lifted.

    3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards
    the bathroom.

    4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and
    close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so he
    cannot escape).

    CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge,
    as his Paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
    The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises
    that comes from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

    5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash"
    and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

    6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that
    there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

    7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
    lids.

    8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run
    outside where he will dry himself.

    Sincerely, The Dog

  • ZazuWitts
    ZazuWitts

    Waiting,

    What a surprise and how funny! Been
    there. AHhaHaHaHahahahaha.... The only 'bath' the cats' received after that was a quick wipe-down with a warm wash cloth - and the profuse planting of
    catnip for them to roll around in. Was even 'happier' if they rolled around in the spearmint!

    Wiping her tears away,
    Zazu

  • myMichelle
    myMichelle

    OMG! That was so funny, I'm laughing like a maniac here at work, it's only a matter of time before one of my co-workers call the people in the little white coats. I'll dodge institutionalization by saying I was choking on my lunch, and berate them for not providing the proper medical attention.

    I have two cats whose bath times have come, okay they are 2 years overdue, but I haven't worked up the intestinal fortitude necessary for the procedure.

    Thanks for the huge belly laugh (ow!),
    Michelle

  • waiting
    waiting

    hey y'all,

    I've had at least a dozen cats at different times (outside). Only a couple in the house, and 18 lb Tuxedo was the only one I tried to bath - I think he tangled with a dead animal and I felt no choice. I should have known there was another choice - kick stinky outside.

    My cat now is an outsider (good thing 'cause she has zip personality) and has never known a bath. As long as her claws are - she never will.

    I bath my dachshunds regularily during the summer. They just look at me pitifully and shiver, after which they get snuggled forever. Which might be one explanation for why they're in the house and the cat is outside the house.

    I've still got scars on my hand from another cat I had - I chose to scratch his tummy and didn't ask first. Never did that again.....

    waiting

  • Angharad
    Angharad

    We had a cat when I was little, once my mum asked me to put the bottle of vegetable oil away, me being the lovely child I was, shook it at the cat to scare it, unfortunately the lid wasn't on properly and it promtly few off and the cat was covered in vegetable oil.

    Hence our cat had her first bath, and my mum and dad had the scratches to prove it for days.

  • thinkers wife
    thinkers wife

    Thank you for sharing that Waiting. What a crack up!!! I have two cats, fortuately in the many years I have had them (one is almost seventeen) they have never smelled bad. Now that I have said that it will probably happen.
    My mother-in-law sent me a cat bathing manual. Unfortunately, I have already deleted it. It was hysterical. This too was priceless.
    TW

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