The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander is the title of a new book by well-known writer Barbara Coloroso.I went to the book launch last evening and thoroughly enjoyed listening to Barbara Coloroso's presentation. She's a very animated speaker, despite the heavy subject matter. The book itself will be a valuable source of information for parents and educators alike.
What I thought was quite fascinating was the way she described bullying and the psychology behind it. It struck me that these are the same behaviours and motivations behind the shunning that comes with disfellowshipping and disassociation from the JWs.I bought the book to see what I could share with you on this topic. In the introduction, Coloroso takes this quote, which has already been shared here by Englishman:
>>>"I think we can't go around measuring our goodness by what we don't do, by what we deny ourselves, what we resist and who we exclude. I think we've got to measure goodness by what we embrace, what we create, and who we include." - Pere Henri, in the movie "Chocolat"<<<
Here are what Coloroso describes as the Four Markers of Bullying:
>>>1) IMBALANCE OF POWER: The bully can be older, bigger, stronger, more verbally adept, higher up on the social ladder, or a different race, or of the opposite sex. Sheer numbers of kids banded together to bully can create this imbalance. Bullying is not sibling rivalry, nor is it fighting that involves two equally matched kids who have a conflict.
2) INTENT TO HARM: The bully means to inflict emotional and/or physical pain, expects the action to hurt, and takes pleasure in witnessing the hurt. This is no accident or mistake, no slip of the tongue, no playful teasing, no misplaced foot, no inadvertent exclusion, no "Oops, I didn't mean it."
3) THREAT OF FURTHER AGGRESSION: Both the bully and the bullied know that the bullying can and probably will occur again. This is not meant to be a onetime event.
When bullying continues unabated, a fourth element is added:
4) TERROR: Bullying is systematic violence used to intimidate and maintain dominance. Terror struck in the heart of the child targeted is not only a means to an end, it is an end in itself. This is not a onetime incident of aggression elicited by anger about a specific issue, nor is it an impulsive response to a rebuke.Once terror is created, the bully can act without fear of recrimination or retaliation. The bullied child is rendered so powerless that he is unlikely to fight back or tell anyone about the bullying. The bully counts on bystanders becoming involved in participating or supporting the bullying or at least doing nothing to stop it. Thus the cycle of violence begins.<<<
Coloroso then goes on to describe The Ways and Means of Bullying. The three kinds of bullying are verbal, physical and relational. >>>Boys and girls use verbal bullying equally. Boys tend to use physical bullying more often than girls do, and girls use relational bullying more often than boys. This difference has more to do with the socialization of males and females in our culture than with physical prowess or size.<<<
"Relational bullying" is what I feel is the MO of JWs:
>>> The most difficult to detect from the outside, relational bullying is the systematic diminishment of a bullied child's sense of self through ignoring, isolating, excluding, or shunning. Shunning, an act of omission, joined with rumor, an act of commission, is a forceful bullying tool. Both are unseen and hard to detect. The child being talked about may not even hear the rumor but will still suffer from its effects. ("Stay away from him, he has cooties." "Don't hang with her; she's slept with half the boys on the baseball team. People will think you're just as easy.")
Relational bullying can be used to alienate and reject a peer or to purposefully ruin friendships. It can involve subtle gestures such as aggressive stares, rolling of eyes, sighs, frowns, sneers, snickers, and hostile body language.
Relational bullying is at its most powerful in the middle years, with the onset of adolescence and the accompanying physical, mental, emotional, and sexual changes. It is a time when young teens are trying to figure out who they are and trying to fit in with their peers. Intentionally excluding a child from sleepovers, birthday parties, and playground games is often overlooked as a form of bullying because it is not as readily identifiable as name-calling or a fist in the face; the results are not as obvious as a black eye or a torn jacket; and the pain it causes is usually hidden or, when expressed, dismissed ("You wouldn't want to go to their party anyway").<<<
Here are a few of the seven types of bullies, that reflect the kinds of bullying involved with disfellowshipping and disassociation among JWs - I've put asterisks beside the qualities I think are associated with most JWs who practice shunning, and my comments in square brackets [ ]:
>>> 1. The confident bully doesn't walk onto the scene; he swaggers onto it, throwing his weight around figuratively and literally. He has a big ego (as opposed to a strong one), an inflated sense of self [I'm better than whoever I'm shunning]*, a sense of entitlement [I'm entitled to treat this person this way because I'm a better Christian, and the WT says I can]*, a penchant for violence, and no empathy for his targets [he/she knew what would happen if they were DFd]*. He feels good only to the degree that he feels a sense of superiority over others*. Peers and teachers often admire him because he has a powerful personality.* This does not mean that he has a lot of friends. Friendships are based on trust, loyalty, and mutual respect, not typically characteristics of any bully.
2. The social bully uses rumor*, gossip*, verbal taunts, and shunning* to systematically isolate* her selected targets and effectively exclude them from social activities*. She is jealous of others' positive qualities and has a poor sense of self*, but she hides her feelings and insecurities* in a cloak of exaggerated confidence* and charm*. Devious* and manipulative*, she can act as if she is a caring and compassionate person*, but it is only a guise to cover for her lack of true empathy* and a tool to get what she wants*. She may be popular, but she is not someone other kids would want to confide in*, lest they, too, become a target for her bullying.
...
5. The bullied bully is both a target and a bully. Bullied and abused by adults or older kids, she bullies others to get some relief from her own feelings of powerlessness* and self-loathing*. Least popular of all the bullies, she strikes out viciously at those who hurt her and at weaker* or smaller targets.
6. The bunch of bullies is a group of friends who collectively do something they would never do individually to someone they want to exclude or scapegoat.* Bullying, done by a group of "nice" kids [people] who know that what they did was wrong and that it hurts their target, is still bullying.
7. The gang of bullies is a scary lot* drawn together not as a group of friends, but as a strategic alliance* in pursuit of power*, control*, domination*, subjugation*, and turf. Initially joining to feel part of a family of sorts*, to be respected* and to be protected*, in their zeal* they become so devoted to their group* that they disregard their own lives*, the carnage they inflict on their victims*, and the overall consequences of their actions.* Added to this zeal is a lack of empathy* and remorse*.
Although their ways and means of bullying may be different, bullies have these traits in common. They all
1. like to dominate other people.*
2. like to use other people to get what they want.*
3. find it hard to see a situation from the other person's vantage point.*
4. are concerned only with their own wants and pleasures and not the needs, rights, and feelings of others.*
5. tend to hurt other kids [people] when parents or other adults [or non-JWs] are not around*.
6. view weaker siblings or peers [congregation members] as prey (bullying is also known as "predatory aggression" - a scary term, to be sure, but not as scary as the actual behavior it defines.)
7. use blame*, criticism*, and false allegations* to project their own inadequacies onto their target.*
8. refuse to accept responsibility for their actions.*
9. lack foresight - that is, the ability to consider the short-term, long-term, and possible unintended consequences of their current behaviour.*
10. crave attention*.
Contempt is the Key
You may have noticed that in this discussion of bullies, I haven't mentioned anger. Bullying is not about anger. It's not even about conflict. It's about contempt - a powerful feeling of dislike toward somebody considered to be worthless, inferior, or undeserving of respect*. Contempt comes packaged with three _apparent_ psychological advantages that allow kids [JWs] to harm another human being without feeling empathy, compassion or shame*:
1. A sense of entitlement - the privilege and right to control, dominate, subjugate, and otherwise abuse another human being.*
2. An intolerance toward differences - different equals inferior and thus not worthy of respect.*
3. A liberty to exclude - to bar, isolate, and segregate a person deemed not worthy of respect or care.*
In other words, bullying is arrogance in action. Kids who bully have an air of superiority* that is often a mask to cover up deep hurt and a feeling of inadequacy.* They rationalize that their supposed superiority entitles them to hurt someone they hold in contempt, when in reality it is an excuse to put someone down so they can feel "up".<<<<
I'll let you good folks absorb this info and comment, and then I'll offer some more info from the book later. It's an interesting read.
Love, Scully