Some of you roaring lambs may identify with Jenny's (not her real name) story. I lost contact with her after my dfing in 95, wherever you are Jenny you were an inspiration of the human spirit. I posted this circa 96, the original is at http://home.powertech.no/festus/victor/abuse.shtml.
May 16, 1994
To whom it may concern,
My story begins in a tiny fishing village, Newfoundland, Canada, 1967. There I was born illegitimate and left in the care of my grandparents. My mother's only option, to support me, was to live and work in the nearest town and send funds home for my care. For two years I saw her only for a weekend every other month or so. Eventually she met a man who she trusted would be honest, stable and a good provider. Afraid to leave me any longer in company with her aged father, who had a long history of molesting all four of his daughters, she married and brought me home. Now, finally, we were a family.
We moved to New Brunswick, shortly after, where mom learned the truth and my sister was born. My step father become a witness about a year later and in time was appointed as an Elder. We were a model family, on stage at nearly every convention, but at home with doors closed, the image was only an illusion. Walking a tight rope, we were afraid of loosing our balance and falling into insanity, yet at the same time, we wanted to jump and hurl ourselves over. Living under a dictatorship, we learned to be Christians out of fear and shame. The beatings were frequent and at times, intense. As children, we found different ways to cope. My sister resisted, she was angry and hostile. I became withdrawn and lifeless and in my inner world I constructed a different reality where I found shelter from a place that made no sense, that was frightening and humilitating. But there I died when, years late, something even more hrrifying began happening to me. With a tender innocence and a developing body, I became both threatening and fascinating to my step father. During the five or so years to follow, morning and night, whenever possible, he came to my room to touch my body and twist my mind. At 14 he introduced me to out-of-town business trips, which entailed dining, night clubs, bars and liquor, and I loved it. The atmosphere made being his obsession a little more tolerable and the booze made the abuse, always to follow, more bearable. In my emotional grave, I didn't even realized how insidious it was and in my inebriated state, I was numb enough not to care.
Did I try to get help? Of course, but mother was so manipulated and confused, she turned her head. My girlfriend's mother made a report to the local elders but my credebility was poor since I had just been through committtee meetings for smoking and sneaking out to date worldy boys from school. I was acting rebelliously, jeopardizing both father's eldership and mother's health. With father beside me, I was asked to respond to the insinuation but I was thoroughly intimidated. He excused his way out, the case was dropped and within a couple of months we moved away. Things only became progressively worse until I was near 17, then at age 18, I was angry enough to finally expose him. Facing my second judicial hearing for wrongdoing, I was prepared to endure his wrath when he was deleted as and elder. And so the nightmare had finally ended. Hardly.
Unaware of what I was yet to experience, I entered marriage at 20 years, to a Ministerial Servant, desiring safety and tability in my life. Later I learned of his ongoing addiction to pornographic movies and literature and his fascination with perverted sex practices. All I had ever known was to be an object, yet somewhere deep inside of me I began to cry. With a miscarriage being the catalyst and unable to cope, I spiralled into repeated bouts of severe depression along with alcoholism, episodes of psychosis, anorexia and suicidal intent, sending me into psychiatric hospitalization. An alter ego was emerging and while in my other persona, I would frequent bars and gravitate to situations with men in which I could not say "no". I didn't know how. My innocence had been stolen and my boundaries stripped. I had no rights over my body, I had no choice, no matter how badly I hurt, emotionally or physically. I was getting what I deserved.
Between the episodes of immorality, my existence was a state of hollow mumbness, staying in the Truth, wanting to do what's right, but feeling worthless and frightened before my Creator. Logically, I knew what kind of God He is but emotionally, I remained a scared child. No longer could I continue "switching" from a ghost-like state to a personality that was self destructive and uncontrollable. I wanted to be able to trust myself, to be WELL.
My search for effective therapy has been a long one, hit or miss and usually ineffective or worse, sending me into regression. A litle ove a year ago I ended up legally separated and disfellowhipped. I found myself alone, alienated from family and friends when I was most critical. I had to be disciplined and the congregation protected but it left me, on my own, to get to the core of my problem. My behavior was a symptom of something deeper and it would take much more than judicial action to help me heal, emotionally and spiritually. But the elders admitted they were unqualified to assist. The articles from the society have always helped but for some, they are only the beginning of recovery. I needed more.
I then began working with a sister who is a certified nutritionist. Dedicated to my progress, she treated my health with a holistic approach. I needed to mend physically and regain my strength, but she also encouraged me to pursue psychiatric therapy to round out my program. February, 1994, by way of this Sister, I met Victor and in February, my life began. I do not need to go into detail as to what Victor's work entails, as I'm sure you've already been given the basics. Additionally, I am not well enough informed to explain in depth his practice, do permit me to give my personal testimonial. My prior efforts in counseling helped me better understand the cause and effect of my trauma but did not equip me with the skills I needed to change the underlying programming that triggered my radical mood swings and resulting behavior. Victor was skillfully able to access the deeply ingrained misconceptions about myself, and my reality structure. He gently guided me through the painful process of identifying specific core issues, their origin and the correlating psychological or physiological manifestations. Then, articulatley he implanted a new, healthy belief in the self on a deeper level of consciousness where the new data would be processed, superceding the pre-existing network and eventually eradicating it. Only someone trustworthy with an incredible gift at perceiving the delicate intricacies of the human mind, along with deep compassion for humanity, could accomplish all this. With respect for theocratic boundaries, Victor has worked with me tirelessly, as I've set out on a new path toward wholeness, integration and spiritually. After all, how can we be spiritual if our spirit, our core essence is crushed and broken. So where am I now? at 27, I am awaiting a divorce, raising a 3 year old son without his father but progressing toward reinstatement. I still have a long road to travel and my work will continue long after reinstatement. But I have a growing sense of hope and well being. I feel less fragmented and left to juggle betwee my identities. I am learning the truth all over again but this time as if through innocent eyes. I am gradually more able to approach my Heavenly Father without the agonizing shame that before had sabotaged me. I am beginning to understand that I am forgivable and loveable, that my femininity is precious, my womanhood sacred and both are valuable gifts from Jehovah, to protect, to embrace and not to be ashamed of. Thank you Victor.
Sirs, I ask you in all sincerity and with all due respect, would you have known how to help me? What I needed to save myself? Please consider whether our actions build up or tear down, are constructive or destroy. Victor was an answer to my prayers and I continue to pray that others who are living my pain, will find help. There will be many more cases like mine to address before this sick world comes to its end. Mr. Escalante and individuals like him are so needed. Please exonerate him.
Graciously
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