Another letter...to my sister in Oct 1984, 5 months into JWism: Oh god I cannot believe this. :(
"Dear C:
I knew exactly why we hadn't spoken before you left here. I had P's phone number if you recall and I chose not to call you either because I knew you were upset. I have spoiled everything for everybody havent I? While that is regretful I can't for the life of me understand why everybody is making such a big deal out of this especially in light of the fact that it does not directly affect any of your lives. It is a part of me now, and it will become stronger as time goes by, so if you are planning on never accepting me as I am,. you might just as well make that decision now, and get it over with. If you were ever concerned about being replaced by my spiritual family before, you ought to concern yourself with that now because you are forcing me to cling to them. They are quickly becoming all I have thanks to my "physical" family's lack of open mindedness about my decision to follow Christs example with my life. If you wish for me to never speak to you again about this, we will never be able to speak at all, dont you see that? Or dont you care? I certainly do.
What are you going to do when you move into your new house? Youre going to invite your family and your friends over to share it with you arent you? Because it is yours something you have worked hard for and if you love it it doesnt matter what anybody else thinks about it right? However, wouldnt you feel bad if they all said they hated your choice of houses and wouldnt come to see you again unless you moved to the house of THEIR choice? Would you move just to please them? Of course not. Because if was your choice and you have to live with it not them. And if they insist that you move, then they arent worth having as friends and they never loved your for yourself to begin with. Even if they say they still love you, love is not conditional.
I will eventually marry again, and God willing have children of my own. They will all belong to this "cult" headed by Jesus Christ, as I do. Will we never be welcome in your home? Are you going to become like my father who says that I can only come to his home if I come alone? Are you going to condition my every move? Am I not allowed to speak? And if I do only on specific subjects? I cant live with that. I am sorry. Why was it that when I was having affairs with married men and cheating on my husband and sleeping around with guys ten years ago that I was accepted by you and by my mother? Can you explain that to me? Ive become a moral, practicing Christian and now nobody wants anything to do with me. You tell me if that makes any sense to you. Why is your form of Christianity better than mine, inasmuch as you can say mine is "cultist"? I am baffled.
I cant believe how well you fooled me when I was out there. You feigned interest in what I was showing you, made me argue scripture with your husband because you wanted him to be the spiritual head of the family, which he should be. You wanted me to pray for you. Why did you lie to me? Or were you just making fun of me? That hurts more than all this sudden honesty from you does. What have you told your children? That their Aunt has suddenly become a Mooney selling flowers at the airport or what? You think this is a downer for YOU? All you have to do is turn your back on me and its over for you. You arent involved any more and you can ignore it cause its 2000 miles away from you?
Im an intelligent lady. And you know that to be true. You know comparatively little about what it is that i am dealng with here or you wouldnt certainly call it a cult. It is based on the same bible principles that are in your bible and the Popes bible and Reverend Schaffers bible. I have always been a skeptic about things. Husbands unfortunately cant be checked out before you get one and live with them awhile, and therefore have alluded my scrutiny. I have failed both my marriages, or rather both of my marriages have failed me because they have not met my expectations. They dont make me feel as if they will be worth spending the rest of my life on them. The next one has to be different. I have to know where his head is at first instead of when its too late. I can depend on the things that are in my bible and if I find a guy who adheres to them as I plan to, albeit I still have changing to do myself, then how can I lose? I know that that man will love me and only me and that he wont beat me or abuse me or treat me like a common whore as G did. We will have the same interest, the same friends, the same goals. Is that such a bad way to be? That is not to say that I am in this to find a husband. The same applies to friends I have made. We have a strong common bond. We can talk on a variety of subjects and there is no pressure on us to go to bed together or play the games that I have been accustomed to playing in the past. We dont judge one another either. We accept each other for what we are no matter what financial state we are in, no matter what color or background we have. We have a fellowship and that does not mean that we are all perfect or think that we are because, as you have seen there is hypocrisy here too, as there is in any walk of life. But there is less of it. This involves a lot of time, a lot of study and a lot of devotion. Anybody that is in it for any other reason except to become a bettern Christian and a minister of Jehovah is soon weeded out by the others. They stick out like sore thumbs b cause we are together an average of no less than 5 horus a week. More than that if you count social activities. So why would you think I was not serious about this? Have I given you any indication that I wasnt or that I was doing this to for example win S's affection? Or because I was desperate for friends? Frankly the bars are closer than the Hall if that is all I wanted.
It has gotten to the point after beating my head against the wall of my family for the last three months, that I cant care any more. I have made my effort and have been faced with the reality of the situation. My family has a whole headful of preconceived ideas about what Witnesses are and do and it is much easier to believe what you have heard than to believe a Witness even though they are a member of your family isnt it. That give you an excuse to not look into it any further for fear that we might be found to be right. Right? Dont worry your'e not alone there. The world is full of blinded people.
I am happy that you have found a house. I hope it is everything you expect it to be and more. Maybe you will give me the address some day. Dont worry, I wont darken your door. There is no way I will travel alone. Id end up by myself in some hotel out there and since you think I cant BE alone, I might as well bring one or two cultists with me for company.
Give my regards to Mom, who has chosen not to communicate with me at all. Take care of yourself. You know where I am. I will miss you."