Theocratic War Erupts Amongst Leading Chicago Jehovah's Witness Families!
By Sharkey Finsback - Asphyxiated Press
Chicago, long famous for its Mafia activity, is now dealing with another type of family war. Spurred on by slackening interest and fewer converts, the city's leading Jehovah's Witness families have begun fighting over territory.
According to sources, trouble began brewing as early as last April, when Vito "The Backcaller" Scarpini, Presiding Overseer of the Roma East Side Congregation, offered a work colleague "a bible study he couldn't refuse." Scarpini told us that he was unaware at the time that his colleague lived in the territory of the Milano West Congregation, presided over by the five elders of the Vincenzo family. "Issa honesta mistake-a" he told AP over the telephone tie-in from the Roma Kingdom Hall.
The Vincenzos were not happy. Ordinarily, such a breach of etiquette would have been overlooked, but in the current climate of apathy, Giuseppe Vincenzo a.k.a. "Mr. Magazine Route" reacted. The Scarpini territory suffered a series of drive-by placements from the feared Milano publisher Johnny "The Tract" Peppito. Johhny was not available for comment, having disappeared shortly after the daring completion of his auxillary pioneering month. It is rumoured that he was reassigned to work where the need is great in California.
"You godda responda," says Guiseppe. "You ledda dees zealousa punksa encroach onna yo derridory, yousa innna trouble!"
Escalation was swift, and targetted at the eldest of the Vincenzos, Alfredo "The Judicial." He tells us that one morning when he awoke, he made a horrifying discovery. "I wassa lying inna da bed, anna feela sumtink down neara ma feet. I reacha down, anna is ma favourita fielda service bagga!" Shockingly, the lining of Alfredos service case had been ruthlessly slit and ripped out. Alfredo wipes away a tear. "Ma favouritta bagga" he whispers angrily.
The Vincenzos decided upon drastic action. They called a family conference under the guidance of their Mother, the fearsome Mama Poppalini. It was decided that retribution upon the Scarpinis must be severe. Mama Poppalini consented to talk to us from her bed. Scowling under her black lace headcovering, she told us why she supported the subsequent raid upon the Scarpini's congregational picnic.
"Mya husband, he wassa Circuit Overseera to alla dees punks! He kepta da whole city inna line anna baptised da lotta dem!! Now deesa Scarpinis tink dey can starta more studies dan we canna? We-a showa dem! Baddaboom, baddabing!"
Police chief Paddy O'Connell relates what he saw on the morning of the picnic raid.
"Sure an it was a soit no man should see! Oi could see dat the Scarpini picnic had been well an truly turned over. Dose Vicenzos had steamed troo it wid Insoit volumes swingin. Women screamin, babbies coovered in veal scallopini. Oi pray to Gaaad oi never see the loik agin!"
The conflict has not just affected Jehovah's Witnesses. Members of the public in the Scarpini territory have related terrifying cases where they have accepted Watchtower and Awake magazines from Scarpinis, only to have Vincenzos call a few seconds after and snatch those magazines back. Householders in the Vincenzo territory have suffered a plague of smeared windows after the Scarpinis coated the blades of the Vincenzos window-washing squeegees with olive oil.
We took the issue to the sects New York headquarters to talk to Governing Body member Theodore Jaracz, rumoured to be the head Don, and a man who, it is said, frequently uses the Sword of the Spirit, usually plunging it into the backs of rivals. We confronted him on the Chicago problem at the "Keep Silent As Dodos" District Convention.
His response? "You know, you're from the United States. You have laws I can mention to evade the question. And remember, we never go beyond the things written. That's why we're always writing new stuff."
And that was that. No doubts, no worries. An attitude that may result in further casualties in Chicago. Mama Poppalini sums it up. "You godda keepa de World close, anna de Brothers closer. And if deesa punks donta back-off, itsa all-outa deocradic war! Baddabing. BaddaBOOM!"
Edited by - expatbrit on 4 October 2002 9:45:38
Edited by - expatbrit on 4 October 2002 9:46:28
Edited by - expatbrit on 4 October 2002 9:50:54