You know, everybody secretly has a nasty habit. Some people pick their noses and then lick their fingers, others keep small roosters in their bedrooms for purposes other than the creation of delicious chicken soup. My nasty little habit is that I hang out on JW websites. Honestly, I don't know why. There's just something oddly compelling about them. It's a bit like watching a car-crash, only a trillion times less exciting. In fact, the only Dub site I regularly visit to fulfill my inexorable desire for all things Dub is JWZone.
Why JWZone, you ask? The first few times I went there, I noticed something peculiar about the site. It seemed that it wasn't as regimented and utterly, utterly boring as your average Dub site. Now notice that by "average Dub site", I'm talking about places like Witnet, which are often as deleriously exciting as watching toenails grow or bellybutton fluff accumulate. But, on a site like JWZone, if you can manage to ignore all of the "Are You Ready For The Written Review?" and "How Can I Dress Modestly", and of course my all time favourite, "Bill Bowen Is A Child Molestor" threads, one does find some absolute GEMS on this site! For instance, here is an excerpt from one of their threads...the comments were far too lame and few in number to merit the linking of the page, but I did it anyway.
Opening my eyes, I stared around and tried to think where I was. Yes, now I remembered...but this scene was different...a car speeding toward me, the crash, the sudden agonizing pain, the weakness. Puzzled I looked around warm sunlight filtered through the thickly congregated trees, casting a long shadow into the shade of each other. I noticed some animals watching me from the surrounding trees. The scene was peaceful. I stood up and started to search my body for any sign of an accident. No scars no scratches to be seen. Cars. trucks, houses and people were nowhere to be seen. The desire to discover my surroundings now urged me to leave the little glade. Beyond to the bordering trees extended a large park like area and in the distance I could see people. Eager to find out more about my surroundings I hurried toward them and nearly reached them whn a golden form sprung from the lush green grass and knocked me down. With a scream of terror, I tried to push the lion from me. Instead of clawing me to death as I imagined he would, he did little else but place a velvet paw on my stomach and lick my face.
The people by this time reached me and laughingly called the lion away. Still shaking, I was helped to my feet by a very pretty young lady who apologized for the lions behavior. "He's always like this in the morning" she explained. The people introduced themselves then one asked where are you from? I think you are new here? I don't know where I am I replied you see the last I remember is being involved in a car accident. Perhaps I can help said one of the women drawing out a yellow book from the pocket of her bright floral gown. Your name? I gave her my name and then after checking the book she led me over to a small path. Many people were gathered here busily planting vegetables.
Astonished I watched a small child lead a panther among the planters and stopped tp pick up a cobra that lay in the path. I tried to shout a warning but the child had already picked up the snake. My guide laughed it won't hurt him look I'll show you why. The girl picked up a book i recognized instantly as the Bible, and turned to the book of Isaiah 11:6-9 - See here in verse 6 in part it says - " and the wolf will actually reside a while with the kid and calf with a maned young lion and in verse 7 and even the4 lion will eat straw like the bull and in 8 it shows why the snake did not hrm the child. It reads - and the suckling young child will certainly play upon the hole of a cobra and upon the light aperture of a poisonous snake will a weaned young child put his own hand. They will not do any harm or cause any ruin." But how long has this been going on I asked in astonishment, smiling my guide told me to sit down on the grass. Obediently I took my seat and nervously eyed the lion that rambled over and sat beside me.
For the next hour I listened enthralled as my guide related the events which had taken place on earth during the few hundred years I had been asleep in death. First she explained from the Bible at Zeph. 1:18 there had been survivors of this destruction of which she was one and into their care had been entrusted the job of making the earth a paradise. She went onto tell me that the time had come for the resurrection of all those who had fallen asleep in death foretold at John 5:28-29. The resurrection had been a gradual process and was still in progress explained my guide. She went onto tell me the thrilling news, my parents had been resurrected a year before and were comfortably settled in a house not far from where we sat. My guide anticipated the effect this news would have on me for she was already on her feet leading me to the path that led me to the waiting arms of my parents. I gratefully thanked her and sped up the pathway.
Good grief. By the end of this little "story", I was laughing so hard I nearly cried. Tame lions and vegetarian cobras indeed! Don't know how Jehover swung that one, but he IS all-powerful after all, even if "all-powerful" really means that he will kill billions shortly. Guess he is so powerful he needs to kill all those harmless humans who couldn't possibly touch him.
My memory is failing me, could somebody please tell me what the official Dub doctrine is on the timing of the resurrection of people who died before the Big A? AFAIK, weren't they all supposed to rise from their graves like lively New System zombies wearing funny clothes and mummy wrappings etc right after Jehover crushed all the innocent babies and childen (and their pets too, for good measure, EVIL worldly dogs and cats MUST DIE!!!!)? Honestly, that would freak one out. Imagine being a Dub and all these Zombies start prancing around, talking Hebrew and Greek and looking for sandals to wear so they won't step on the sharp bones of the billions of dead people. Holy cow! It would be like Theocratic Resident Evil!
The Dub doctrine of the Paradise is truly nonsensical. It is one of their most cherished doctrines, and also one of their most ludicrous. Vegetarian snakes? Come on! Snakes are NOT equipped to eat grass! At all! Maybe some of the mammals would manage, given some dramatic digestive system modifications, but not SNAKES! And how does Jehover propose to change the digestive systems of all the animals anyway? Will it happen as if by magic? This is a weird Ghod - he will kill billions of humans, many of whom don't even know he EXISTS, but he will modify animals expressedly so that they will survive, when in fact the animals are just as knowledgeable about his presence as most of the people he just finished killing. What's up with that? So if you wake up in the New System and you see lots of lions wandering around squeaking and mewling because Ghod is busy modifying their digestive systems in a painful fashion, you'll know who to blame! Would their teeth disappear too? Would they be classified as a new species if all of this indeed went without a hitch? Don't know about you, but if my digestive system was modified to allow me to eat grass I would need some Pepto-Bismol in a hurry. Lions chewing the cud, that I've gotta see. Almost reason enough to hang around and wait for the New System!