TRICKY SITUATION update

by bay64me 7 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  bay64me

  Some of you responded to a recent thread http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/forum/thread.aspx?id=35873&site=3.

  Last week I was confronted by the lady next door asking me if I had reported her to the Social Services. I had not and told her so. She then went on to say that although her partner and her did have loud arguments, the children were not at risk. So obviously somebody else has had the same concerns as me! By her own excuses, I assumed that she is in some state of denial and left it at that.

  This morning at about 9am, I heard loud thuds and doors slamming and the lady next door again ran out into the garden screaming for help. I opened my bedroom window and saw that he had her pinned up against the wall, I asked her what she wanted me to do and she screamed "get the police". While I was dialling 999 he jumped in his car and screeched off and away.

  Ten minutes later the lady came to my door, babe in arms and little girl aged about eight. She then said "it's alright now" and went on to tell me that he doesn't actually hit her anymore, he just has a very violent temper, the police know all about him as they've had problems before and asked me again if it was I that had called Social Services. I told her that I had called the police and that they would be on their way and she said that she was afraid of losing her home??? She also insisted that her children were not at risk???

  Another ten minutes and the police arrived and left again after about half an hour. They never spoke to me although I did give my name and adress when I called them.

  Half an hour ago he returned and is back in the house?! I can only presume that the lady is maby not ready to take any action against him either out of fear or perhaps not knowing what to do!

  Now her fear is my fear. I wonder what he will do next. I have called the police on him and somebody else has got the Social Services involved. I am afraid of his anger too. What next?
• 

  Dia

  You need to get in touch with a Battered Women's group. They're everywhere.

  She probably doesn't know they exist.

  "But I Love Him" is an excellent book (written for teen-age girls but insightful for everyone) and might open her eyes to her situation and how her children are being hurt by it.

  Good luck.

  Try to get involved with others because battered women can be very frustrating. They're maddeningly 'on again', 'off again' and have ZERO insight into their situation.
• 

  Dismembered

  Dia said

  You need to get in touch with a Battered Women's group. They're everywhere.

  Good advice!

  And bay64me you should move if this stuffs happening out your door, Yikes! That's awful

  Dismembered
• 

  mamashel

  Hello, my name is Shelley(mamshel). I read this and was shaking with anger. The problem is, social services can be called and MIGHT get involved, but the biggest problem is is if there are no marks on the child all they will do is make a record of the information. I dont know what the laws are where you live, but i live in ohio and my husband and i just had his sister removed from her home away from her abusive mother and father. You can read the thread under My story under Jesikas name, and the update unders mamashel's thread Thank you for all your help. The other issue that is very very unfortunate is that if the mother does not make a decision to leave or keeps allowing him to return, there is not much the police or any other agency will do. I know because of experience. My first husband used to beat me, and everytime i would call the police, they would tell me the same thing, if you continue to let him back there is nothing we can do. I feel so bad for these women, because alot of people dont understand the fear of leaving someone like that. The one i was with told me he would kill me if i left. But i finally had to make up my mind that he had a better chance of killing me if i stayed. If she gets a restraining order, and lets him back, it is totally null and void.

  It is nice to see someone that is concerned though. I hope things turn out well.

  mamashel
• 

  bay64me

  Dismembered, I don't see that me moving will change anything for her. Anyway he is the one with the problem and therefore if anybody should move it ought to be him!

  In my first post about this, I was asking for advice as to what to do. I listened to a lot of the comments made and generally the mode of thought was to involve the authorities. OK it's still early days but i'm maby thinking that if that doesn't do any good I may have to try something else like get him evicted for the hassle factor?

  He, by his behaviour is intimidating myself and my own family. When we hear his raised voice and her screams, we relive our past. That is unpleasant and distressing and something that I see no reason for!

  Mamshel" It is nice to see someone that is concerned though. I hope things turn out well " yes I am concerned but must admit that my concern is equaled with fear.

  Dia, I will try to befriend her and will be there for her if she needs any help or support.
• 

  Granny Linda

  What a sad, sad situation

  Here's my personal opinion about these type scenerio's; if the adults want to stay in an abusive relationship that has deadly potential - then so be it. Let them bash each other. BUT, on the other hand, these type of individuals usually have children they drag along with them, and that's where the problem arises for me. The children.

  I think, callous as it may sound, the adults are extremely self-centered. Where is the love and concern for the well being of their own, eh. It sickens me beyond words.

  Decent people are fed up with violence, period. Personally, I'd call the cops each time because I want those type people out of my neighborhood. And here too, we maintain weapons in our home. But the children...it always goes back to them. Yet another generation that will grow up in a sickness that dispite the help available to the parents, will more than likely continue on the same path...that of being the 'victim."

  Not that I'm a big supporter of government, but they are so bogged down with the legal forms that if the "i" isn't dotted; the "t" not crossed, can see a case tossed out of court. So where is "justice" for the children? Personally, I'd like to see these people sterilized because they will continue breeding and producing the same sickness over and over and over.

  After a few short months of working with child abuse it became apparent to me that 99.99% of the adults did not care to help create a change. What it came down to was being available to take them shopping, etc. The horror stories I heard from those adults though pretty much confirmed what's already known...until the individual decides to break the chain of dysfunction, you can come out with a sense of beating your own head against a brick wall.

  And the police...yeah, usually someone will go to jail...do you know the cost to the individual for just getting a bailbondsman? It's about $$$$$ and lots of it. And that's just for starters. The court system runs on $$$$$$$$. Damn, I best not get started on that aspect because on the one hand they profess concern, and some do sincerely care about the problem, there is an attitude of "it ain't in my backyard, so I'll just keep shuffling the paperwork because that's my income.

  This certainly isn't a new problem for society. I find some sort of sick humor though from people who profess outrage yet sit and watch such television shows as Jerry Springer. This is stupidity,or ignorance at it's best. The crowd that shouts and cheers for violence and shame with each word spoken. Yeah, we care, don't we. HUMMMMMM.

  Hey, my husband was called as a bondsman to interview a man and woman from this small town that made national headlines because of child abuse. Was this anything new for them - didn't the authorities already have knowledge? Well, that million dollar bond was secured by the parent because "jr" really wasn't guilty....blahblahblah. Here we go again, the parents of these adult children continue bailing them out of situations; enabling the abuser to continue without intervention that might well lead to some much needed help.

  No, it's not just the abuser in need of help...those who continue to excuse and go back to such a lifestyle are obviously in drastic need of help also. No one is excused from responsiblilty...and few are looking out for the welfare of the children. I'm gonn shut up because I could write pages about this.

  Protect yourself that's for sure. I like how someone posted to you about having walked through another door of fear. Many of us have histories of abuse, I'm no different. There is an inner strength to be found when we take the necessary steps for self healing. And things are different today then when my mom was tossed around...agencies up the ying/yang, and yet few will seek shelter.

  Peace

  Granny
• 

  nilfun

  Bay64me, You are afraid of this guy and I don't blame you for feeling that way.
  Despite the fear, you decided to reach out and do something.
  You know, there are some people who would have just shut their eyes, closed their ears to the situation.
  
  I don't know who you are, but I have tremendous respect for you.
  
  Yes, call a women's shelter and tell them what the deal is.
  When I fled my abuser I wrote down what had been happening to me
  and gave it to a volunteer at the woman's shelter.
  My (then)husband's actions horrified and frightened her.
  She called the police and made a report.
  Yes, she was afraid, but she did it anyway. Just like you.
  
  You knew there were no guarantees as to what the outcome would be.
  But you decided to do something anyway. You are concerned about
  her safety, about her babys safety. What a kind, caring thing you have done
  for her.
  
  But it may be a tricky situation to befriend her, as you have stated,
  and not get sucked into waters that may be treacherous. If you can accomplish
  this, my hat's off to you.
  
  I must say that the woman who helped me at the shelter,
  while doing a wonderful thing for me, did not
  befriend me. She did not need to do that to help me. She showed great
  understanding, non-judgemental compassion, but we didn't need to
  become friends for her to do that. She just did the right thing.
  
  Just like you.
  
  
  
  
  
  
• 

  bay64me

  Thank you Nilfun, I really needed to hear that. I appreciated what you said to me last time when you mentioned 'stepping outside of my fear' and I think it was with that in mind that helped me to muster up the courage to do what I did in trying to help.

  Thank you, Bay.