Random Thoughts
1. Food has replaced sex in my life. Now, even I can't get into my own pants.2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was myblood alcohol content.3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're inbed with a relative.4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess"on it...so I said "Implants?"5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get thesame effect just standing up fast.6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, getone flea..."7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...theyknow me here.8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makesmisery easier to live with.9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanteda screamer or a moaner.10. If flying is so safe, why do they call theairport the terminal?11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seentoo many of them get elected.12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet ithas absolutely no trade-in value.13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours andshithead's.14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if itdeals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you atruckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!15. I love being married. It's so great to findthat one special personyou want to annoy for the rest of your life.16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents atthe bowling alley.17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; thereforeI am perfect.18. I married my wife for her looks...but not theones she's been giving me lately!19. Everyday I beat my own previous record fornumber of consecutive days I've stayed alive.21. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come Isee so many dead rabbits on the highway?23. How come we choose from just two people to runfor president and 50 for Miss America?24. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurantlike having a peeing section in a swimming pool?25. Why is it that most nudists are people youdon't want to see naked?26. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.27. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hearMom's wise words:"Don't pick that up; you don't know where it's been!"