I just can't resist this one! Check this out!
Kissing Hank's Ass |
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Me:
"This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."Mary:
"Hank didn't have any paper."Me:
"I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."John:
"Of course, Hank dictated it."Me:
"I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"Mary:
"Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."Me:
"I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"Mary:
"It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."Me:
"How do you figure that?"Mary:
"Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"Me:
"Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."John:
"No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."Me:
"But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."John:
"There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."Me:
"Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."Mary:
"But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."Me:
"I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."John:
"Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"Me:
"We do?"Mary:
"Of course we do, Item 7 says so."Me:
"You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"John:
"Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."Me:
"But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"Mary:
She blushes.John:
"Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."Me:
"What if I don't have a bun?"John:
"No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."Me:
"No relish? No Mustard?"Mary:
She looks positively stricken.John:
He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"Me:
"So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"Mary:
Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."John:
"That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."Me:
"It's good! I eat it all the time."Mary:
She faints.John:
He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
There is a "Sanitized" version for distribution to your church-going aunt. It replaces "Ass" with "Butt" and "Shit" with "Snot".
* Older versions say "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese." Several people have written to say that the current theory is that the Moon did indeed come from the Earth. I've finally gotten around to making the change.
LOL, any comments? Interpretations? Does this remind you of anyone we know? LOL!!!Edited by - Lin on 10 October 2002 15:24:54