Depression & Guilty Feelings

by Swan 9 Replies latest watchtower medical

• 

  Swan

  I haven't been posting much lately. I am sorry I haven't been contributing. I
  have been experiencing some depression lately. My doctor prescribed some new
  medication the other day to help me sleep, but so far it just makes me terribly
  drowsy in the morning and prone to oversleeping. I was late for work this
  morning by an hour.
  
  My doctor feels that I should be adjusting to my niece's death more quickly
  than I have been. I have been going to my counselor, but we don't really talk
  about this any more.
  
  I miss my niece so much. It really hurts to think that for over 8 years I was
  never allowed to see her, and now I never will. I remember when I last saw her.
  She was only 10 years old and so disappointed because she knew that I would
  soon be DF/DA. I could only hope that what I was doing was the right thing and
  that she and her family would be able to join me on the outside.
  
  I can't help thinking that if I hadn't left the JWs, maybe she would still be
  alive today. If I hadn't left, would her family have moved from Oregon to
  Indiana? Maybe not. Maybe it was to get away from me and the bad memories that
  they moved. If I hadn't DAed myself, maybe they would have had more ties to the
  area, financial assistance from me to help them, and stronger reasons not to
  leave. If they hadn't moved to Indiana, my niece wouldn't have been at that
  dangerous intersection that day almost 2 months ago.
  
  Is it all my fault? My rational mind tells me that what I did had little to do
  with what they did. But another part of me wonders if I set off a chain of
  events that led to my niece's early demise. Am I being punished by some sort of
  bad karma, the vengeful tribal god of the ancient Israelites, or malignant
  thoughts of the cult members left behind? Again, rational reason tells me I am
  thinking nonsense. My inner mind, however, is plagued with guilt and despair. I
  will never again see my 18 year old niece, and yet I see her every day in my
  mind; as a baby, as a toddler, as a young girl. I even see her at night in my
  dreams/nightmares.
  
  "Did I do that?" we used to mimic Steve Urkel when she was a child. "Did I do
  that?" I wonder now years later.
  
  I'm so sorry Krystal for how things worked out. I'm sorry for the pain you felt
  because we were both raised in a religious cult and I left. I was hoping some
  day you would leave too, and that I would be there to help you. I still believe
  what I did was right, at least with my rational mind. My feelings are torn.
  Another part of my mind developed from years of cult ideas and much less prone
  to critical thinking tell me I am at fault. If I am, I am so terribly sorry. I
  still love you and feel that special bond that a person feels for the children
  of a sibling. It is almost the same protective feelings that a parent has. Had
  things worked out differently, I would have gladly raised you as my own. I
  would have been there for you and my love would have been, and still is,
  unconditional. I would never have shunned you or turned you away. If I could, I
  would give my life so that you would have yours.
  
  There is no way to bring her back, I know. The best thing I can do is be there
  for her brothers, sister, and cousins if they need me. It is my sincere hope
  that they will need me and that they will contact me if they ever want to leave
  the cult.
  
  Thanks for listening. I appreciate using this forum to express my thoughts, my
  feelings, and to heal.

  Tammy
• 

  Joyzabel

  (((((((Tammy))))))))

  I'm sorry you are having a tough time dealing with your neice's death and the "what ifs" that go with it.

  Keep her memory alive in your thoughts.

  One moment in our lives doesn't define the rest of our lives, unless it is something unforseeable as an accident. You were always there for your neice. It was her family's decision to leave the area. And her decision to get in the car that morning to drive.

  Please think about the good times and remember that as much as we want to help others, unless they want to be helped, we can't change a thing about them or their circumstances.

  Now, have your pity party of "what ifs" but don't forget to move on. You will be only hurting yourself if you don't and I'm sure your neice wouldn't want that.

  Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. I know it helps you to get the toughts organized and I'm sure you can see what you need to do to help yourself heal.

  Hugs,

  j2bf

  edited because I still can't spell.

  Edited by - joy2bfree on 17 October 2002 19:51:24
• 

  larc

  Tammy, you can not control how other people live their lives. Nothing you have done resulted in anything that happened. Dear heart, you need to talk to a therapist and work this out. None of it is your fault.
• 

  ugg

  many hugs and much love being sent your way...((((((((((((((((((((((((((swan)))))))))))))))))))))))
• 

  nilfun

  (((((Swan)))))
• 

  LyinEyes

  Dearest Swan,,, So sorry for the depression . It is normal to get depressed over someone you loved so dearly as your neice's death.

  Doctors that have no idea about JW cults or cults in genereal, beleive me there are some that say they understand , but they don't and how could they unless they were in one?

  I too have had many obsessive thoughts like these over many things. Along with depression can be Obessive Complusive Disorder. I had a doctor tell me that you don't have to act on the obsessions, the constant mind worry in order to have OCD. It can be just tormenting thoughts that will not go away. Some medications are better than others for that I hear. If in 3 to 4 weeks you still feel not quite right it might help to see the doctor about changing meds. It could be the one you are on is just not working.

  I would get these thoughts like I said, and worry if I would do this or that, it will keep my kids safe. If I would have only been there the night my mom died, and made her come home with me would she be alive? There is no way that the future can be totally on your shoulders, no way, things just happen. If you would have done things one way or another ,things could have happened anyway. That is what I have seen , things just happen for no logical reason, and we can bend over backwards to save someone or change things it usually just doesnt make a difference in the big picture.

  Swan, it is normal to grieve the neice you loved so much. But don't blame yourself. If you can't sleep and get the troubling thoughts out of your head ,it could be a chemical imbalance in your brain, the OCD, obsessive thoughts, that are keeping you from healing.

  I am by no means a trying to be a doctor here, but I have been thru what you are talking about. Sometimes those feelings still come up , and logically you know that you are not to blame, so it seems an imbalance might to blame.....

  Many hugs to you , and remember grieve as long as you want to and how you want to over Krystal.

  She is at peace somewhere, and wouldnt want you to blame or grieve yourself oversomething you had no contol over. Hugs , Dede
• 

  manicmama

  Sorry to hear of your niece. Know in your heart that nothing you did caused her demise or could have changed the course of things. The world is full of "what if's". She would want above all for you to be happy. And who knows, maybe she is watching you now and loving you, who can know what happens after death.

  One thing I would advise is that if your current therapist is not addressing this issue with you, at least raise the issue with him/her or find another therapist. It is obvious this is causing you great distress and needs addressing.

  Be good to yourself and go do something that makes you feel good inside. Go see a movie (not a downer) go to your favorite restaurant, go to the zoo or a park. Anything that will nourish your soul and make you feel better even for one day. Day by day it does get better and we stop feeling so much pain and remember the good things.

  manicmama
• 

  Sabine

  Dear Tammy,

  I am so sorry about your niece. I can totaly relate to how you are feeling, my daughter has been dead four years and I still have days when it just hits me...I'll never see her again. I have many young adults in school with me, and when some have said they are 26 (the age she would be now), it still hits me like a ton of bricks...they are my baby's age.

  Guilt and depression are so hard to deal with, but on the other hand, they are a sign of a very humble, kind person, willing to take part of the blame, even though it is totaly undeserved in your case. You did the very best you could, and your rational mind is right, you couldn't have in any way prevented what happened. Grief counseling helped me tremendously. And in your case, you are so kind and generous, striving to make peace with this will open you up to be able to help others. There is no quick fix, the more deeply you are capable of loving, the more loss will hurt. Continue taking care of yourself, and challenging those negative, illogical thoughts. You are such a beautiful person Tammy, you deserve all the peace and joy in the world.

  Love,

  Sabine
• 

  Dia

  You're not magic and you can't control or take responsibility for the kinds of things you're feeling so bad about.

  You're right that the best you can do right now is to be available for the others. Why don't you write them a letter and tell them so? That would be a very loving and responsible thing to do with the consuming grief you are suffering. Whether or not they take the offer is up to them. But any and every time their thoughts drift in that direction, somewhere in their minds, will be the offer you made in your letter. Maybe eventually, it will really register with them.

  All you can do after that is to just pray.

  You're feeling so alone and confused and so, so sad. These are the times when God is calling to you to comfort you. He sees and understands everything you are going through.

  Allow Him to enter. He will help you work through this to find peace within yourself.

  He's not there to punish you. He's there to comfort and support you. To love you.

  That's why He's God.

  I will pray for you and for your niece, as I'm sure many others here are.

  Do you ever consider that she is with God now, and able to understand so much more now than she ever did here on earth?

  What would she be wanting for you now, who loved her so deeply?

  "If you could see the light at the end of the tunnel, they wouldn't call it 'faith'."

  Edited by - Dia on 18 October 2002 23:22:7
• 

  SPAZnik

  ((((((((((Swan))))))))))
  
  Don't listen to anyone that imposes a time limit on your grief or healing. Take the time that you need. (Yes, medication is a practical aid in such extreme circumstances).

  A person experiences grief for a reason. Grief is natural. Yield to those emotions. Allow them to run their course. Find safe outlets for them. Such as seeing a therapist, seeking out a support group, speaking with a friend, don't have one? hell, talk to yourself then , journalling (writing), play your favorite soul music and sing at the top of your lungs, cuddle with a dog or cat, take a nice hot shower and have a good cry, plant something and watch it grow.
  
  Take care of yourself, first. Get more than enough sleep. Drink lotsa water. Eat well. Go for a walk.
  
  Doing things for others is ok, but you need time to take care of you right now and to come to some kind of peace regarding your niece.

  Help yourself get through this. Treat yourself with care. Set a small goal.
  
  ONLY when you feel able, sloooowly introduce others. Is there someone you trust? Enlist their help. Wear a big *keep away* sign around yer neck for those that drain you (or perhaps those who muddy the situation by shoving their unwanted religious propaganda down your throat). Doing stuff for others is a great way to get your mind off of your situation, however don't let it distract you so much that you never actually take the time to come to real solid peace with the healing you have to do.
  
  Re: guilt...please know that noone here would fault you for "not contributing" as you called it. Many here understand the realities of pain and suffering and would only want to see you do what you have to do to heal. I hope you will try not to add further burdens to your situation. Just deal with what you have to deal with.
  
  I feel for you. Your situation is difficult and painful. I have reason to believe you can find peace with it someday. Perhaps after experiencing this painful thing, you will one day have insights and empathy like noone else. For now, just one hour at a time if necessary...defend your right to go through what you have to go through to get there. I have been in deep pain and it took a long time, but it actually got better. I wish you well too.
  
  SPAZ

  ps - and listen to Sabine!