Many of us have to admit that since we left the religion. There have been many moments of weakness where something happened that made us consider, even if only a little while, that we might want to return to the Kingdom Hall. I think these thoughts are only natural, considering all the years some of us spent in those walls and the fact that many of us were raised in that religion since birth. When things happen, what helps us to give ourselves that mental slap back to reality?
To me that mental slap is something simple, "I just remember." I remember certain key reasons that I know within that solidify my exit and give me reasons to stay on the path I am on now. I remember these moments as clear as day and see the details and emotions that attach with them. They could be so many things, yet they all have a reason that allows me to stay with what I know is right. What kind of things?
You might be feeling really strong about your exit, and things are going great. Then it is some late night and your mother-in-law calls your wife and says, "The test came back and I have breast cancer" and you feel the pain in the moment. You worry that your independent life will hurt someone you love more then you wanted too. Your wife sits crying in your arms, worrying that she might loss her mother before she is even 30. You have those thoughts in your mind of wanting to make her last days peaceful, and knowing how much your exit hurts her. You consider for a moment, swallowing your pride and returning to the Hall ... and then you "just remember"
... you remember that to do so would make you weaker in this life, and you remember yourself back then. That person who worried all the time, and was always trying so hard to make others happy, that you never pleased yourself. You remember the weakness you felt as a human, and then think about the strength in life you feel right now. Suddenly "you just remember" sounds in your head and you see the reason once again to stay where you are and the benefit that can bring to you and those you love. As moments like this depend on your strength and not your weakness.
You might be sitting there one evening and you get a call from a friend you have known since you exited from the religion, and they are depressed. You talk for a couple of hours, and you think that you have everything settled with them and that they will be okay, and then you hang up and go to bed. Then you wake the next morning to another phone call from a friend who tells you your friend killed themselves while you were asleep. You sit their for a minute feeling a little empty inside and wondering what you could have done different. You think in that moment of weakness that things like this never happened when you were a Witness and maybe it was true that all of the world was in a depressed state. Then you "just remember" ...
... you remember all of the phony tears that were shed in that Kingdom Hall and how the Witnesses would have viewed your friend as terrible and evil for suicide. You realize that the tears rolling down your face over their loss are not tears of hate, but tears of sorrow and love that someone felt so alone that they took themselves out of this world so young. You realize how much more you have grown as a person and human and thus you resolve even stronger to stay away.
You might be sitting on some spring morning and having your wife tell you that you are going to have a baby. You jump in you mind with joy and then days later get hit by a hundred questions. How will I raise my child, when I only knew the Witness way as I grew up. I turned out good, but how can I do the same with my soon to be born son. You worry about the people you knew growing up that had so many problems and worry that that could be your son someday. Then you "just remember" ...
... you remember that you did not become the way you were just because your mom believed in Jehovah God. You became the man you are because in the house you grew up in, there was love in the people that shared it with you. You remember that in the congregation that there were many kids who did not turn out all that great and they were raised with the same guides as you. So you suddenly realize that things will be okay, as long as you have a loving wife and raise your child with the same love that was passed into you from your parents.
This life is so full of moments, both good and bad, and you never know when something is going to challenge your resolve in this life to return to something that you would never think you would consider. I do not think any of us could say that we could predict what will happen tomorrow or how we will react to all the things that take place. To me the trick is not trying to predict this and that, but just remembering in our life all the points that give reason to us every day. You never know when one of those memories will be the thoughts we rely on to keep us strong in our resolve.
So as I live each day, "I just remember" and I can't help but smile and feel strong. Have you remembered today?
My thought
Dragon
Edited by - kenpodragon on 22 October 2002 16:6:6