You should be afraid. Very afraid. Do NOT stay in your homes - they are filled with toxic chemicals from your couches and carpets and everything you've ever bought and you're being poisoned right now so just get out while you still can! However, be careful while going outside because immigrants fresh across the Rio Grande are getting ready to rape you and your family in the streets. So you're much safer going by vehicle . . . but be careful not drive in ones made by GM because they will explode in massive nuclear fireballs and kill you and your family without warning. And be sure to lock your car doors so that black teenagers don't try to kidnap you and do all the scary things that black people do - because we all know that black people are scary. Also, take great care not to get pulled over either - because ALL police officers are trigger happy ego maniacs that will shoot you the first chance they get.
Really, if you want to be safe, you should just leave the country all together. But when you're ready to fly away don't go through the metal detectors at the airport because they cause cancer - or bone disease - or something. And don't through the body scanner as some pervert in another room will see you naked on the security monitor and probably start getting off to your amazing naked body . . . and those body scanners also cause cancer - or bone disease - or something. Anyways, instead opt for the pat down - to which you will be groped on and around your every body part . . . to which a pervert watching in another room on a security monitor will probably get off to - but at least they won't be able to see your amazing naked body.
And while you're waiting in the terminal make sure you don't read the newspapers because they are all part of the biased left wing media and they will get inside your head and turn you and your entire family gay and will never ever tell the truth about Benghazi. In fact, if a paper/radio station/news cast/pod cast/etc. doesn't have Benghazi as their number one story - DON'T listen to them. They are not worthy. Because Benghazi is all that matters. Also don't go to the bathroom at the airport because all public restrooms are dirty and infected and you'll end up getting cancer - or bone disease - or something. And also ebola. Because ebola is everywhere now. Thanks Obama!
Once you're on the plane you still have to be vigilant. Anyone who is not the same color as you is a threat. And if anyone has a beard - out of an "abundance of caution" you should throw the out the plane immediately. You should probably also throw out anyone who doesn't speak English as their native language. And - while you're at it - you should just eject the entire passenger manifest. Better safe than sorry. Also, don't sit towards the front of the plane because - during a crash - people at the front of the plane always die. Also don't sit towards the back of the plane either because - during a crash - people at the back of the plane always die. And NEVER EVER sit towards the center of the plane because during a crash . . . because well, you don't even want to know.
Once you're safely in a new country you will be fine. Just stay away from the locals - and the nationals - and other foreigners - and anybody associated with the government . . . and the press . . .
In next weeks edition: Why Antarctica is the safest place for you and your family