Ever since leaving 4 years ago, at least twice a week I have dreams of old friends, and sometimes I wake up crying, laughing, etc., depending on what it was about. The ones that bother me the most involve me walking down Columbia Heights seeing old Bethelite friends, and they all look at me weird because I have dreds and earrings now, but they still talk to me. But they have this look of disgust on their faces, like I'm not good enough for them anymore. In these dreams I walk through Bethel and am labeled as the "weak one" or the one that "needs encouragement." I wake up from these dreams frustrated, and they always seem SO REAL, that's what's scary. But it hurts a lot, knowing that most of my previous friends no longer view me as their friend anymore.
My family thinks I left to "pursue my own selfish desires" although I've repeatedly told them numerous reasons why I left, all of them having to do with my thoughts on the organization. They don't understand "how I could turn my back on my family and friends to pursue my own life" and I can't seem to explain to them how this isn't anything remotely like that. I've used illustrations (such as 'if you grew up in a gang-related family and then wanted out after awhile, would you stay in just so you could be w/ your family, or would you be true to your hearts desire and leave?") but even that only provoked a "do what you need to do" response. They still can't seem to understand, and I don't know how anyone could NOT understand.
So frustrating. I wish I could make the dreams go away. I really miss my friends a LOT. Not as easy making friends as it used to be....