Hi guys,
For me, the hardest thing to do now is to continue to try to Not be a hypocrit. As a jw, I was better than everyone in the world because I was no part of the world simply by virtue of my dubdom. Now, it's been 7 years since I made my escape. My family, including my parents (my father is dying) and my brothers and sisters are all still jw's with the exception of one brother who is torn. They've all been rude to me and they've all shunned me and my husband and kids. They've used me for their own purposes and discarded me like a broken toy. Since July 2001 when my dad first was diagnosed with a brain tumor.....I've been a bit more accepted by them because I have been priveledged enough to be able to offer much assistance during this tumultuous year. I was initially shunned with regard to the blood policy when my husband had an accident and had 23 red cell transfusions, as some here already know. I had a hard time being in the room with them at first because I could actually feel their hate. I kept my mouth shut when they tried to get me to repent over the blood 'sin'. I bit my tongue when they bragged about who did what at the KH. You know what I mean.......... It has been a tough road. I have been able to break down a few barriers bit by bit with a loving word now and then. Often times it feels like I am back pedaling but I have my mind set on only giving them love. They give me lectures and advice and dirty looks and ignore my hand sometimes. I keep doing what I feel I can do to help with my father's care and my mother's pain. I try to help when my siblings are too busy with field service. I've even sat with my dad while my mom went to meetings! That was particularly difficult to do but she would have gone and left him alone anyway.
I'm sharing this with you because I'm trying to show you how I had to be true to myself. I felt that I was being a hypocrit and no better than before by allowing myself to continue to hate. I have found that the hardest thing for a jw to accept is a loving apostate. As hard as it is to be still and quiet when they get on their self-righteous soap box, it is equally hard for me to hate them back as much as they hate me because I too was once like they are now. If I can't forgive them and do what is right even if they don't appreciate it then what value do I have? It is the hardest part of being and X but it is the most fulfilling. I will not stoop again to their level. Love conquers and strenghtens me and I have seen their surprised faces at times. Hopefully someday, it will impact them and they may wonder how it's possible for an evil born again to have love when they 'are the loving ones'. I can only offer to them what i have been given freely, forgiveness and a loving spirit. It is something to see for sure, love confounds the hell out of them as one poster once said. So true. Has anyone else been through this with their family? I have found this to be the hardest part of being an X but it has been the most healing at the same time. love, dj
p.s. I still struggle with the issue of whether or not I can actually walk into a kh for my pop's funeral. I am not sure if I can love the 'teachers' of my family yet but I'm working on it. It may be an honor to sit in the back where the disfellowshipped have to sit. After all, isn't it really about how I view myself? Yes, regected and spit upon but not regressing. Your thoughts are appreciated.......