The Courage to Heal
In a study done at the University of Houston researchers concluded that a person with deep psychological issues would go through a five-step process. I concur with this study after having worked with offenders on probation for drug and alcohol problems and sexual and physical abuse survivors.
Denial
In this stage the individual may not be aware that they have serious problems. While their loved ones know that their values are not in the right hierarchy (priorities not straight) the abuse survivor may be clueless and vehemently defend the way they are. They may display moodiness that is out of the norm and may even suffer from bipolar disorder. They may be very insecure and vulnerable to bad news going into what we call baseline states where they feel very strong emotions like dread, deep anxiety, rage, guilt and the like. The abuse survivor could also be using denial as a defense mechanism to not have to look inside or deal with all that needs to be healed or changed. In their mind if they dont think about it, then its no big deal. The problem is that often feelings that were buried alive are now blooming to the surface in inappropriate situations with inappropriate people causing the victim chaos. While it takes a lot of energy to repress feelings, as the victim grows older they lack the strength to do so and they may feel a constant fatigue.
Thinking about doing something about their problem
When abuse survivors reach this point its because they can no longer deny that they their life or both are a mess. They may lack the skills to interact and relate to loved ones, peers at work or even to themselves. They are tired of running from their feelings and the problems these create. They run but their feelings always catch up to them or find them. This is an important stage to be in, the abuse survivors are open to hearing about avenues that they may pursue to get help. Friends and family may suggest a book, a seminar, looking into their employers EAP, or taking a continuing education class at the local university or community college. Often therapists put on short classes on many psych topics. They may also contact local agencies that provide services that are totally free or very affordable.
Doing something about their problem.
In this stage the person has enough motivation to proactively do something. They take the initiative to buy a book, sign up for a workshop, get a referral for a therapist, etc. Their pain threshold can no longer be raised or in some instances they may be facing serious crisis like the loss of a job, a relationship or health problems related to the past abuse. In this stage the victim needs a lot of understanding, empathy and support to find a good skilled professional who they can feel the right chemistry with. They may be faced with overwhelming feelings of hopelessness when they are told that they need extensive therapy and that it will require a strong commitment to heal. At times victims fall back to step two of thinking about doing something.
Relapse
This is a natural phenomenon in the healing and evolutionary process. In this stage the victim slides back to old patterns of behavior or feelings. They may have made a lot of progress feeling much better healing relationships and feeling stronger than ever before. This stage can be very discouraging for them because the hopeless feelings can come back and they may doubt that therapy was worth all the hassle and cost. For an alcoholic they may binge again or a drug user use drugs again. While there are many factors for a person to relapse the victim should see this as just another hurdle they need to jump over to heal and change.
Maintenance
In this final stage the victim has completely developed an identity of a survivor. They are strong, they have new up to date coping mechanisms, and they relate much better to themselves and to others. They may have new responsibilities at work due to improved interpersonal skills or a newly acquired teamwork attitude. Yet they may need a bi- annual tune up to gauge their progress and to hone or acquire new skills.
God will not look you over for medals, degrees or diplomas, but for scars. Anon