Boundaries Part 2

by Victor_E 7 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Victor_E

  A boundary is a limit we set to give our life structure and form. Many victims never were taught or allowed to set normal healthy proper boundaries. In my JW days it was appalling to see how elders and the whole authority machine constantly violated boundaries of rank and file JWs. They were quick to make rules and regulations some of which they themselves would not follow. The paradox is that many JWs did not know they had the right to set boundaries.

  • A boundary is knowing where you stop and where I begin.
  • Its being able to say NO
  • Its for my safety
  • Boundaries allow me the power to choose
  • Boundaries allow me the space to heal
  • Boundaries allow me to grow
  • Boundaries allow me to think clearly
  • Boundaries protect me from spinning out of control
  • With boundaries my life becomes simpler
  • When I have no boundaries people walk all over me
  • Boundaries help me establish positive self worth and self-esteem. I have more self-respect when I have boundaries. When I treat myself with self-respect, others do too.
  • Boundaries allow me to protect my spirit.

  Internal Boundaries

  I will set boundaries

  I will make time to do the work of recovery

  I will not beat myself up internally for making a mistake; instead, I will see a mistake as a learning experience.

  I can feel and talk about how I feel

  I will not absorb other peoples feelings

  I can say no and not feel guilty

  I will learn to establish a relationship with God or a higher power

  I will celebrate my successes

  I dont have to be perfect

  I dont have to be the best in everything I do

  I will not compare myself to other people

  I can be who I am because that is good enough

  I will not project blame for my problems on other people

  External Boundaries

  • I have the right to heal and to do the work of healing, regardless of the opinion of friends, or how family members respond to me.
  • I now choose to associate with people who treat me with respect and kindness
  • I will not associate with people who are cruel and unsupportive. I realize that no one can make me feel inferior unless I give them permission.
  • I will not put other peoples feelings before my own.
  • I will consider their feelings after I understand how I am feeling
  • I am not responsible for taking care of other peoples feelings
  • I will not tell other people what to do with their lives
  • I will learn to listen and offer support by validating other people
  • I will not allow other people to tell me what to do with my life
  • I will learn to share my abuse only with safe people in safe places
  • I will not subject myself to people and events that make me feel uneasy and powerless
  • During the work of healing, I can limit or avoid altogether contact with people who trigger my unresolved issues, which causes my healing to regress.
  • I can allow people back into my life when I feel I am ready to have a relationship with them (this includes family members)
  • I can decide what boundaries I need in my relationships. If others do not honor my boundaries, I can choose to stop the relationship.
  • I can limit my sexual relations during the work of my healing. When I heal, I can choose to have sexual relations (within the bounds I set) when I want to gibe and receive sexually.
  • I want to express my sexuality within my own standards and values
  • I will protect myself from the emotional, spiritual, physical, and sexual abuse of others. I have a right to stop it.
  • I will also learn to recognize my own abusive behaviors and learn to stop them
• 

  IronGland

  Sounds like an Oprah episide.
• 

  Golden Girl

  Feels pretty darn good doesn't it?

  Sure is a big weight off the shoulders!.Don't need to carry others baggage!

  Snoozy.....
• 

  Granny Linda

  Good post, thanks.

  Yeah, a lot of people don't like it when we find our's...and that's their problem. Self respect is the most important recovering tool I can think of at the moment. Something not many were introduced to - not just JW's.

  I read where shame seems to be an effective tool some use on these type forums, too. Shame on you for even investigating something that goes contrary to political correctness...shame on you for writing about such things...shame on you for having a difference of opinion; on, and on it goes.

  At the same time it can be difficult for me too not over step another's boundaries...even when I don't think they know what the hell it even means. Maybe with old age I'm finally learning that walking away in silence saves so much wasted energy on people who seem to lack the ability for even reconizing that humans have, and always will, differ - for whatever reasons.

  Yesterday at the community center my husband and I work at, this old lady, very much "Chrisianized" in her belief, attempted to shame my husband because he expressed his opinion about the Bible - after she brought up the subject. This was not the first time she has done such, and she can be real glad it wasn't me she approached.

  One day while I was climbing on a ladder helping to clear out the storage shed of junk collected at said community center, I used the word, "shit." Oh my goodness...this same woman I've known for almost 20 years came over wagging her finger in my face telling me, "what did you say?" I told her what I'd just said, and she then went further with "take that back!" OMGawd, give me a break!

  And this from a retired school teacher. I can only imagine the shame she helped heap upon some of her former students. And the funny thing, I wonder if she can reconize that I do love her, even at her uglist times. But I do not allow "old age" to get in the way when some people just continue pushing their idealogy, or trying to, my way.

  People. I love em'. Well, most of the time.

  granny
• 

  Mum

  Thanks, Victor_E!

  When I became a dub, I was a very passive individual and did not understand that I needed to set boundaries (except sexually). I believed that anyone and everyone knew what was best for me better than I knew for myself. This left me in turmoil many times when I got conflicting opinions and instructions.

  What a relief to be a feisty old broad now!

  Regards,

  Sandra
• 

  SixofNine

  did not understand that I needed to set boundaries (except sexually).

  Emotional chastity belts are not what this is about, I reckon.
• 

  hippikon

  I agree setting boundries is fine but what if some one else tells you what your boundries should be?
• 

  simplesally

  I agree setting boundries is fine but what if some one else tells you what your boundries should be?

  Many, many people try to tell you what your boundries should be!!

  Individuals tell you that you MUST not feel a certain way, that you should not avoid going to a certain place or event because others are going to be there (ie people who hurt you or you just don't feel like hanging around judgmental people, cliquey people).

  Individuals tell you that you MUST "get over it" when you aren't ready (you still hurt and aren't ready to be friends with that person or group of people)

  Individuals tell you that you MUST forgive .... when no one has apologized or they keep doing it over and over and over again.

  Individuals try to force you to go places insisting you will have a good time (even when you have tried to explain why you don't feel like going and happy tho you look, you are NOT having a good time with your happy face plastered on).

  -------
  So, now I forgive when I am ready. I don't go to parties, places, showers, events that I don't want to, even if my reason is because my toe polish doesn't match my purse.

  I don't let people like my mother in law push her way into my life and I refuse to allow her to take my daughter to the KH. I will not feel pressured into that.

  My husband and I are going through a divorce, yet still living in the same house..... people have insisted that I kick him out. Right now, I don't feel like it and he is a good dad. I need that for her, at least I think I do......and my brain is the only one that counts right now. I am not itching to be a single parent with all the responsibility .... now if my mom or dad moved next door it might make a difference, but the houses next door aren't for sale. Its nice to have someone else give her a bath once in a while, its nice to have someone else grocery shop, help with the laundry or pick her up when I am late.

  I decide what the right thing is for me to do and with that I let other people know that they are crossing the line when they tell me what is best for me...... Not everyone likes chocolate, vanilla or strawberry ----- thats why 31 Flavors Ice Cream was so successful --- everyone likes something different. Stand by your choices.