what to tell mommy

by madison149 4 Replies latest jw friends

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  madison149

  Hi, again. For any of you that faded away from JWs without getting DF'd or DA'd, what excuse did you give your close (JW) family members for why you stopped attending meetings? Did you let on that you were having doubts about the organization, did you pretend to be just really spiritually weak, or were you just very vague, saying you were really busy or having heath problems, etc?

  I ask because my mom is FOREVER on my case about attending meetings. I go about 3 times a month, and so far, I've been extremely vague with her . . . having cramps, not feeling well, the kids are coming down with something, etc. I feel ridiculous being 31 years old and having to answer to my mom, but she really lets me have it! She starts with being really nice, volunteering to help me in any way possible to get me to the meetings. If that doesn't work, she gradually turns it up to the point where she's telling me "it means your life and the life of your children" and "don't you want to see your dad in the resurrection?!" (My dad died when I was 16.) No pressure there!

  I admit, I've always had a hard time standing up for myself in most situations, but this situation seems to be the hardest. I really just don't want to hurt her, and she is so wrapped up in the JW world, she can't see anything else. To try to reason with her is futile . . . it all comes down to meetings, service, study . . . anything else is a waste of time. My husband and I are going to some expense to move to a new town, about an hour away, to try to take some of the pressure off, hoping that the distance would allow me to go to fewer meetings (and eventually stop altogether). Now, she's volunteering to drive all that way to "help" me to ensure I make it to the meetings.

  I got some good advice here a few days ago about what to say (and what not to say) to the elders. Can anyone help with what to tell my family?
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  Jesus Christ

  Be careful what you say to your mother. A guy who I used to be good friends with and his wife expressed some doubts to his mother-in-law about the authenticity of the bible after they had started to do the fade bit. Next thing they knew elders were staking out their house to talk to them and they ended up getting DF'd for apostacy. His wife's mother then maintained the good little JW mommy position and promptly shunner her own daughter. Her brother told his small children that they couldn't see aunt Amy anymore because she doesn't love Jehovah anymore. All this because she expressed doubt about the authenticity of the bible.

  How did it all turn out?

  Wife bloomed like a flower after getting disfellowshipped. She already had a good job (massage therapist making pretty good money) and she started going to college on the side in hopes of getting an even better one than she had doing enviromental work. Her dad never was a JW and didn't really like them, now likes them even less. She's still in the same position with her brother and his kids but is much closer to her non-JW siblings than ever before. I haven't talked to her in a long time but expect only great things of her and what she's become.

  Husband didn't do so well. He had a good job as a computer tech and actually got me into it and taught me a lot about it before this all started. With all the stress he couldn't perform very well at work and lost his job. Still wanting to work but not wanting anything stressful he took up delivering pizzas and getting high with co-workers after work. Last I heard he's now living with another former JW who delivers pizzas at the same place and shares the same dealers as my old friend. Instead of going to college or doing anything else to make something of their lives they're probably still making vague plans to be musicians playing their own version of rock music. I haven't talked to him since this summer because I just got tired of always being put off so he could go get high, including when we were supposed to go to a concert in another city (which is one of the few things in life I truly enjoy) and I had already bought my non-refundable ticket. Sorry, still just really bitter about that.
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  Joyzabel

  Welcome to the Board, Madison.

  Don'tcha love those loyal jdubs?

  I think your plan of moving away will help tremendously. My parents live 3 hours away and haven't got a clue until they came to visit and went to the meeting by themselves and everyone wanted to tell them what we are up to now.

  No matter what you do, you will be labled. So be spiritually weak, but don't show any doubt because the elders have their radar up for "doubters".

  Do you really think you can reason with your mother? If not, don't upset her applecart. But start slowly and firmly putting your foot down about being a mother of your own family and not needing her to be so meddleson. Be busy, be sick, etc, keep rotating the excuses.

  Or start dropping hints about treatment of jws, especially loyal ones that found themselves outside the org after some simple questions were raised and now they are shunned. Set the stage for her to look at the shunning issue, so that if she is sympathetic and wouldn't shun you, then don't worry about what happens to you.

  Its a difficult game to play when you want nothing to do with a high control group anymore. But be patient, you know there is no urgency anymore.

  j2bf
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  TresHappy

  I told my mommy I didn't believe it anymore. To my surprise, she still talks to me.
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  els

  Madison, I am a firm believer in the slow fade, it worked for me for a long time. All I really ever said was that I didn't believe a lot of things anymore, and that I did not want to discuss it. I think this left them the chance to believe that at some point I might be ready to talk. We haven't had a close relationship but I guess something was better than nothing. Moving away would be great but that is still a couple of years away. It's funny but I wanted the relationship mostly for my kids, but now that they are adults and making their own decisions my family doesn't approve of them either. I haven't heard from anyone since the end of June when my son joined the army. I'm debating what to do about that. Anyway, good luck whatever you decide, and however it turns out you will find alot of support here. els