CAT:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As the cat
opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
vigorously rub cat's throat.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to
cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little @#!*#^~!'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty Pruning gloves
from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be
rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat
to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop
to see if they have any hamsters.
DOG: Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.
How to give a pill to a cat and a dog
by outcast 5 Replies latest social humour
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outcast
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alfie
Het, you really DO own a cat. This sounds like amazingly like trying to bath a cat, except that usually involves at least three new shower curtains and a multitude of bandages and dressings.
alfie
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Englishman
Easy! This is how George gets his medication, it takes two and is best acheived with a sleepy cat.
Cradle cat with right arm. With left hand reach around and grasp scruff of cats neck firmly. You now have one fairly imobolised cat. Wife now takes pill in right hand and uses left thumb and forefinger to apply slight pressure to each corner of cat's upturned mouth. Cat opens mouth and wife drops pill RIGHT DOWN throat. Cat makes k-k-kk-k- sound and swallows pill.
Englishman.
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Angharad
LOL love it!
I had to give our cat a bath the other week and had the scratches to prove it after, she had come home really distressed and wet, when I picked her up she stank of chemicals, so I dont know where she had been. By the time I'd finished I was just as wet as the cat and the bathroom floor was a wash! She then spent the next 2 hours washing herself and rearranging her fur that I had messed up.
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SpannerintheWorks
How come cats always know which piece of KiteKat contains the invisible tablet? Even if you've starved them for a week and then give them one morsel, they know, don't they, and won't touch it. Fussy buggers!
Spanner
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Robdar
Forget about pills, get liquid medicine and a syringe. Works almost everytime.