Crisis With Singles and Single Parents Looming?

by Pathofthorns 6 Replies latest jw friends

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  Pathofthorns

  Likely we've all noticed that on the two major JW discussion forums the most active forums are the "Singles or Dating" forums.

  It would appear that there is an increasingly large number of single parents appearing in the congregations these days for whatever reason.

  I admire these ones for the effort they put forth to bring their children up taking on the role of both parents.

  From many of their comments in the "singles " forums, it appears many find being a single parent an extreme liability in "the truth" as far as finding a mate goes. I wonder if JW culture has something to do with how these ones are viewed as prospective marriage mates vs. the mentality in the "world".

  As far the single people go, there appears to be almost a certain desperation to get married, further scaring off potential mates.

  The Society's advice for pioneers to marry pioneers, or for sisters to look for brothers with "titles" appears to throw more snags into the equation.

  Anyone else have any thoughts on this? It seems people are either desperate to get married, or desperate to get out of their marriage. I'm not saying there are not happily married couples, just that the large number of younger people will likely make this a more prominent issue in the future if it isn't already one.

  Path
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  Simon

  I think the number of 'happy couples' and the success of marriage in the truth is exagerated. I saw somewhere that the society has as high a divorce rate as the rest of the world.
  Considering the pressure *not* to separate by the society then there are probably many more who live on in failed marriages just to keep up appearances.
  The bottom line is that marriages in the truth fail more than those in the world
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  Seven

  path, Being a part of the JW singles, dating and courtship scene is like being a walk-on in a David
  Lynch film. It's about as surreal as it gets. In my honest opinion I see very little difference in the number of the desparate to marry and desparate to divorce people in the world vs
  those in the truth. We just play by a different set of rules-or should I say morals. I think many couples that have taken their relationship a little too far physically end up getting married
  out of guilt or just for the sex-both wrong reasons. I am simply flat out turned-off by the whole situation.

  happy to be single,
  7
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  SolidSender

  Or 7 how about similar to a leading role in an Arthur Miller play ie. The Crucible? The disrespect for individual privacy in the lie ( I henceforth refuse to apologetically refer to it as the truth ) is in my opinion appalling and inexcusable. I don't know why anyone would put themselves through it. Your relationship suddely becomes everyones relationship like it's public property.
  Pathofthorns - I think the "snag in this equation" - titles ( lets face it - rank ) is symptomatic of the entire sterile, fleshly, sinister mindset that pollutes the entire "brotherhood" ( read 4th Reich ). -SolidSender
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  Roamingfeline

  What a good meaty subject to sink ones teeth into! I was at first, a married parent in the truth, but married to an unbeliever. That was pretty rough, as he was an abusive alcoholic. And you know the rule, "If they don't beat you half to death, you have to stay." Well, my ex was MENTALLY abusive. And sometimes that can be far worse. When the pain became too great, I left despite being told I had to stay, and thus became spiritually "marked".

  What was even worse, my ex and I were separated for four years before divorcing, and he knew I could not be "free" until he committed adultery, hence, being emotionally abusive, he wasn't about to do it! So there I was, struggling to support three children on a less than high school education (at that time) with very little help, my mother was dying of cancer, and the friends were telling me I was "bad" for leaving my abusive mate. I wasn't good enough, no matter WHICH way I chose to turn.

  Single parents in the "Truth" are made to be very lonely, as they are never invited to the couples' homes since they don't fit in, and they are not allowed to be with "worldly" friends without being shunned. So it is an extremely lonely position to be in. A huge struggle and you never fit into any niche.

  Finally, I'd had enough. I took things into my own hands, because OBVIOUSLY, Jehovah certainly wasn't going to help. I told my ex that I would give him just 30 days to make up his mind, or I would move back home. I got divorce papers in a week. Then after the divorce, when I had a settlement and enough money to buy a home, I did so and started building up my own life!

  I was sooooo lonely though, and knew I'd never be good enough for a brother, (not that there were any to be had!) because I was a single mom with three kids and divorced. At 33, I wasn't willing to spend the rest of my life that way. Finally, after 6 years of loneliness, I decided to date a "worldly" man. I was disfellowshipped for uncleanness, just because I was DATING this guy and couldn't prove that we hadn't had sex. We hadn't, but that was beside the point. I couldn't PROVE it.

  It was a vicious cycle of emotional abuse. To this day I don't think I've recovered, and I honestly don't think I ever will. I did get reinstated, but by that time I was starting to put two and two together, and realized that not only was the Truth not the truth, but that it was emotionally damaging as well. That's when I left. And I won't go back. Ever.
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  Journeyman

  I hope Simon won't mind, but out of curiosity I got to digging back into the oldest available posts to see
  1) what topics might be relevant and worth revisiting after many years, and
  2) how the members of 'old' discussed them.

  This is an interesting one which I think is worth commenting on with fresh thoughts after a 23 year gap.
  How different do you feel things are in the org for singles and single parents now compared to the late 1990s and early 2000s when this was originally mentioned?

  Of course this comment by the OP is still true:

  The Society's advice for pioneers to marry pioneers, or for sisters to look for brothers with "titles" appears to throw more snags into the equation.

  Based on my own experience in a UK inner city congregation, there were indeed a quite a few single parents in the congregations some years ago. They seemed to fall into three groups:
  1) single parents who were bible studies or recent converts, and so had not been witnesses at the time they had their child(ren);
  2) single parents who were baptised witnesses and had got married and had children but then divorced, been widowed or abandoned by their partner;
  3) single sisters who had either left the org for a while and got pregnant while "in the world" or had got involved with someone while in, had a bit of the old "fornication", been reproved and now had a kid to raise.

  But it seems to me that in the last 5-10 years these numbers have fallen. The studies and/or recent converts have mostly drifted away. The single sisters with one or more children have either moved out of the circuit due to cost of living in the city (and/or possibly also left the JWs altogether) or they are now alone as their children have grown up and mostly, once becoming teenagers themselves, have not stayed in the congregation.
  
  In a couple of cases the children have stayed as witnesses, but have moved away to marry and/or join other congregations, often foreign language or abroad. It seems children of single parents in those situations don't want to hang around in their 'old' congregation, probably because they were watched so closely by everyone while growing up and want to be more free now as adults.

  Anyone else have any thoughts on this? It seems people are either desperate to get married, or desperate to get out of their marriage.

  I don't feel there are as many "desperate to get married" as there used to be, but that could be because the congregation I'm in is ageing and many of the singles have been that way for several years and I suppose are kind of settled like that or resigned to "singleness" now. I also don't sense the degree of interest in socialising with other JWs that there was before COVID struck, which used to provide internal opportunities for finding a mate.

  Finally, I think the below comment from Roamingfeline is sadly still very true, and probably a major reason why I see fewer single parents in the congregations these days.
  

  Single parents in the "Truth" are made to be very lonely, as they are never invited to the couples' homes since they don't fit in, and they are not allowed to be with "worldly" friends without being shunned. So it is an extremely lonely position to be in. A huge struggle and you never fit into any niche.

  For those of you still attending meetings or around active JWs, what are your thoughts and observations where you are?
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  LongHairGal

  JOURNEYMAN:

  I’m not surprised the last comment you quoted by Roamingfeline is still very true in the JW religion: that ‘single parents in the “truth” are very lonely..and never invited..’

  These people were on the fringes of the congregation like I was and I would chat with them.. Maybe a single brother who was a parent might be viewed a little more sympathetically - especially if he had something going for him.. But, a single sister (parent or not) had hardly anybody be friendly or sociable.. I doubt if this has changed.