Dear Friends:
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this
year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me
to leave under your tree at Christmas.
I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem.
The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies
dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids-a-milking, and the 9
pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans-a-swimming.
The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the
partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.
On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer
are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who
can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.
Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the
things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart
before everything is gone.
Sincerely, Santa Claus