Having now read some other people's accounts of their life with JW, I thought I would be able to share my recollections, albeit blurred with the passage of time.
I wasn't always a JW, I celebrated Xmas at the age of 4 in 1975. In 1976 my mum had joined the Truth so we didn't have Xmas that year. Mind you it didn't really seem that big a deal, my parents had divorced when I was 3 and mum didn't have wads of cash to buy presents with anyway. We (mum, my brother and I) found shelter and comfort in a new "extended" family of brothers and sisters and life was good.
Until my mother remarried when I was 10. A series of life-changing events rocked our world, but through those events the JW were still our "rock". As a young teenager, I was rebllious but not overly so and usually responded to disciplinary talks from my mother. I passed through high school as a confident, enthusiastic girl. I was passionate about my religious beliefs and was outspoken on all the contentious issues...evolution, abortion, blood. At age 15 I asked to be accepted as a baptised member of the congregation. Yes, I was very young but I was so sure so why wait? And in October 1987 I took the "plunge" with 98 others at a DA in Sydney.
Did I find my family of brothers and sisters eager to accept me as a young but genuine member of the family? Sadly no, I found that brothers were increasingly cautious to spend time with me and sisters were simply catty. For I had started to become a woman...and that is one thing that will be sure to make life hard for a young female in the JW. I was not detered though, and entered the auxilliary pioneer work after leaving school, having found part-time work to help support my mother and "pay my way". This only served to heighten my alienation from the others in the congregation. Cliques?? You bet, if you weren't an elder's child you weren't a cool pioneer. We had lots of young pioneers in our congregation but I hardly saw them. I was frequently left in the territory without transport or left out of the communication loop. I began to feel my confidence and happiness dwindle.
Then I found myself the continued object of elder's attention, my dress was too short, too tight, too colourful. I was once told that I would have been stoned in Israekite days for wearing a dress that had little slashes at the shoulder, for you could see my skin through the slits. I wore too much makeup, I acted too old, I flirted with my eyes. I became more disenchanted with my life. But I knew that I had to change these shortcomings and try to be a better JW.
Then at 17 I met a young man though a friend who was also a JW. She worked with this man and I was in the habit of meeting her for lunch breaks. He was some 3 years older than me. We fell into easy conversation and just hit it off. I was always upfront with my religious beliefs, and my moral convictions were of the highest order, after all I was a baptised JW. I invited my new friend to have a bible study (as all good JW do) and followed all the protocols...he studied with a brother from my book study group. He was indeed a hard egg to crack, for he was a very considered athiest, and rather unshakeable in his convictions.
Still I prayed that he would find Jehovah and gain the Truth, then maybe we could get to know each other better. But things don't always happen how you might hope. After some months of studies, phonecalls, visits we formed closer and closer bonds. I could feel what was happening and I called our developing relationship off...at least 7 times.
After what felt like an eternity but in reality was only weeks, he and I spoke to an elder that I felt particularly close to. I told the elder that I had strong feelings for *** (I wont identify him here) and that I was going to continue to let our relationship grow. We hadn't engaged in any sexual wrongdoing or misconduct, and I just wanted to dispense with the shroud of secrecy that we were veiled in. I didn't really know what to expect by telling the elder this, maybe counselling or admonishment. Not what happened next though.
Four days later I ws summoned to a judicial committee, with my mother present. I was told I was considered to be having impure thoughts, and by association, immoral activites had to have occured. I was numbed by these accusations, that I could "fall from grace" and land with such a sickening thud. I didn't know what to say so I stayed mute. My head spun with the likely consequences of this chain of events. I was told that I was to have no further contact with *** and I was not able to pioneer. I was to submit to a lengthy series of counselling meetings and would be placed in the spiritual guidance of an older sister in the congregation who would report on my performance to the elders. I said I couldn't do that. I felt like I was falling over backwards spinning into space as my world was wrest from me in an instant with that statement.
The Committee concluded that I was unrepentant (of what sin I am still unsure) and that my DF would be announced that following Thursday. And so, I was no longer a sister. And by extension, I ceased to be a daughter, granddaughter, cousin, neice. But I still had ***.
The months that followed were simply awful, as anyone who has experienced shunning will testify. I look back at my diary from that time and still grieve the loss I incurred that year. I was terrified that Armageddon would come before I could be reinstated with my family. It consumed my every waking and often sleeping thought.
During that time, I left home, and took up (sinful) residence with ***. He continued to be a supportive tower for my weakened spirit, even though he had no belief in common with me. We married 2 months after I turned 18, the earliest I could manage it. My family naturally, didn't attend our celebrations. I knew they couldn't and I didn't feel sad, just empty.
While I was in the land of the lost, what I identify DF to be like, my dear aunt was consumed and killed by a brain tumour. We had been very close, but I was refused access to be with her at this painful time, in case I might bring her frail soul into some ill favour with god. By the time I was reinstated she had become all but a shadow of her former self, supported by machines, and unaware that I had come to see her. She died soon after.
Yes I was reinstated, after what was, with hindsight, a curious meeting with the elders that had served on my committee the year or so before. I was asked all manner of impertinent questions about my sexual relationship with my husband. "Did I engage in anal sex, or other perverted acts?" I near fell off my chair, I was still a "very good girl" at heart, which comes of being raised a very strict and fearful JW. Indeed, I was quite the prude in our early relationship, but still I wondered at their motives for needing to know these details.
I was set up in study with a young pioneer sister, who had the task of overseeing my return to spiritual health. Imagine my dismay, when at our first meeting she informed me that given how "bad" I had been it wouldn't be surprising if I didn't make it through Armageddon anyway. I didn't go back again. My mind was racing with wonder at what had been suggested I had done to be so unworthy of salvation.
These days, I don't spend too much energy wondering. I went through all the anger, resentment, grief along time ago. I am comfortable with my personal views on god or the lack of one. I am always happy to debate these things of course. I suppose I feel a mixture of emotions about my youth, but it is what it is and I am just thankful that I have the life I lead now...without regrets.