Let's Have a Joke / Gag Thread!

by SpannerintheWorks 7 Replies latest social humour

  • SpannerintheWorks
    SpannerintheWorks

    I know you've heard them before...but here goes...!

    Two guys are playing darts when 2 nuns walk in, order a drink and sit down near to the dartboard. Mr. Bullseye has always fancied a

    nun, and wants to impress, so he tries really hard with his next turn. First dart...20!...second dart...treble 20!...third dart...hits the nun

    square between the eyes and kills her!

    "One nun dead and eighty...!" Shouts the referee!

    I won't do any more ( "Thank you, Spanner", says the Forum ), I'll leave it up to you!

    Spanner

  • iggy_the_fish
    iggy_the_fish

    Drummers are often the butt of cruel jokes told amongst musicians. Here's my favourite.

    A drummer walks into a music shop. He approaches the sales counter and says "How much for the saxophone and the accordian?"

    The shopkeeper says "Are you a drummer?"

    The drummer replies "Yes, how did you know?!?!"

    The shopkeeper says "Because the fire extinguisher's not for sale, and the radiator's screwed to the wall."

    Hope none of you are drummers!

    ig.

  • TresHappy
    TresHappy

    How did Hitler tie his shoes? In little Nazis!

  • SpannerintheWorks
    SpannerintheWorks

    This is great! Let's keep it going!

    Spanner

  • SpannerintheWorks
    SpannerintheWorks

    I'm sure Farkel knows a joke or two!?

    Spanner

  • Bendrr
    Bendrr

    What did the snail say when he rode on the turtle's back?

    Wheeeeee!

    O.J. Simpson dies and goes to hell. The Devil himself gives O.J. a tour.

    Satan: "So O.J. you like golf don't you?"

    O.J.: "Oh yes! I love golf!"

    Satan: "Well you'll like Mondays then. We have over a thousand 18-hole courses, better than any on Earth. Say! Do you like parties?"

    O.J.: "Well of course! I love to party!"

    Satan: "Then you'll just love Tuesdays! After you finish golfing, you can go to any of the parties we have. Endless tables of food, open bars, dancing, women, you'll be in heav-oops! I mean you'll have a blast!"

    pause

    Satan: "Tell me, O.J......How do you feel about fat hairy gay men?"

    O.J.: "Not my bag, man. I don't like fat hairy gay men"

    Satan: "Well, you're not going to like Wednesdays then."

    Mike

  • LB
    LB

    So this guy from Florida reads an ad selling a talking dog for just 25 bucks. He has to go check it out so he drives on over to the house and knocks on the door. Guy answers and he asks about the dog. Guy says sure, go into the back room he's in there.

    So he walks back there and sees the dog watching TV and drinking a beer. Dog looks up and says "hey dude, how's it going". The guy is shocked and asks him what the heck he is doing in Florida.

    The dog tells him it's a long story. "You see I started out fighting in the gulf war and got several decorations. Then I was a drug dog and busted many boatloads of dope. I also was trained as a rescue dog and after the horror of the World Trade Center collaspe I just had to take a break, so I came down here".

    The guy walks out to talk to the owner and asks him "why is that dog selling for 25 bucks?"

    Owner says "because that damn dog is a liar".

    Edited by - LB on 25 November 2002 23:46:14

  • SpannerintheWorks
    SpannerintheWorks

    A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but Polly has passed away".

    The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

    The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot front top to bottom.

    He then looked at the vet, shook his head and barked. The vet fussed the dog, took it out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who jumped up and also sniffed the bird on the table. The cat sat back, shook its head and meowed. It then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

    The vet looked at the woman and said,
    "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is dead."
    He then turned to his computer, hit a few keys, produced a bill and handed it to the woman.
    Still puzzled, the parrot's owner took the bill and looked at it. "150!" she cried. "Just to tell me my bird is dead?! That's ridiculous!"

    The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been 20, but... with the Lab report and the Cat scan..."

    Spanner

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