Ex-JW looking for help with difficult ex-spouse

by MsJam 7 Replies latest jw experiences

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  MsJam

  I am an Ex JW with two children that I share custody with their father (still a Witness) We have become very involved with our church (my new husband and I) The problems we are having deal with birthdays,and all the ususal non-Witness activites where my children are concerned. We do celebrate all birthdays and holidays. My 7 year old has been spanked and threatened by her father for the mear mention of any of these things.

  Their father had increasingly become emmotionally distant from them. So far as to ignore them on the weekends that he has them. I wonder what this is doing to them emmoionally and mentally. My 10 year old son is angery and becomes withdrawn at times.

  They come home filthy and sick everytime he has them. What I can't understand is why does he have them if he obviously has little if any "natural affection for them" ?

  It has been a month since the kids have heard from their father. With all the Assemblies this month and his camping trips they feel very much ingnored and forgotten. I know their father is doing this because of the time of year it is. It's a punishment to my children for celebrating Christmas. I realize it is really an attack on me for leaving him and his lifestyle. But how do you explain that to children who always feel that their father is angry with them?

  My current husband is very much in their lives. Praise God for that! He is a good Christian man that has helped me let go of the guilt and shame that I carried for years. (my parents were both pastors)

  My Question is "Has anyone dealt with any of these situations?" I would appreciate any and all insight that would help my children.

  Thanks
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  rebel

  MsJam,

  What a horrible situation to be in. Your children are 7 and 10 so it is not going to be easy to sit them down and explain things to them. The thing is, you need to try. Perhaps arrange for you and your present husband to sit down with them and explain that their Dad does love them but does not know how to show it. It is tempting to say cut this freaky guy off from having any contact with them, but that would make things worse. The children could grow up resenting you for cutting him off. However, your duty is to protect them and, if they are coming home filthy and sick after visiting him, you need to enlist the help of social services or something so that you have the backing of the law if you need to stop him seeing them so much. It cannot be good for them to be spending time with a man who ignores them and doesn't even bother to take care of their physical needs. Have you confronted your ex? Could you threaten to go to the elders in his congregation - I know that they would probably take his side, but maybe the threat of doing this would make him think - he is obviously a wimp who may back down if confronted by an adult. I certainly think you should get outside help and proof regarding his treatment of the children, just in case you need it.

  I wish I could give you more constructive advice. I only know the law in the UK regarding this type of thing - not sure how it relates to the US. I hope you can see a way through this.

  xxR
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  Robdar

  Perhaps arrange for you and your present husband to sit down with them and explain that their Dad does love them but does not know how to show it.

  I think that Rebel gave some good advice. This is what I did with my son when his father treated him the same way that your ex is treating his children. I also received sporadic child support from this man until I let him know that I would take him to court for failure to follow a court order and sue for back child support.

  My son's father sent the money but still didn't participate much in visitation or school functions. This caused my son much anger during his teen years. I kept telling my son that his father loved him but didn't know how to show it. I refused to say anything bad about his father to him and encouraged him not to think that his father did not love him. I continued to invite his father to meet us at the park for picnics, or at Show Biz Pizza for parties, etc. Sometimes his father accepted the invitations, sometimes he didn't.

  Finally, now that my son is in his 20's and a computer whiz, he and his father have something in common. His father calls him on the phone, they visit, they do things together and they are finally developing a relationship. My ex regrets that he was so immature and not there for our son when he was growing up. The man is trying very hard to make up for the past.

  I guess what I am suggesting is that you do not give up hope. It sounds as if your ex is very immature and possibly spiteful. However, he may one day regret it and truly try to make ammends. I wish your children the best.

  Robyn
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  Scully

  Hi MsJam:

  How is your ex doing in the financial, child support, area? If you have a child support agreement that he is not honouring, take him back to court. In the meantime, start documenting EVERYTHING. Keep a journal that includes dates and times of incidents and details of exactly what the children say to you that you've described. Courts are reluctant to get involved where religious differences are involved, and the elders are going to take his side if you go to them with your complaint because they feel you are in the wrong for leaving him and the JWs. That doesn't make it right, just the way it is.

  Maybe you need to sit down with him - yes, you should have your new husband there, both for moral support and as a witness to the conversation if it doesn't go well - and try to impress upon him that his behaviour is counterproductive to a healthy relationship with his children. Children will remember things like the way it stings emotionally when their own father treats them "as dead" or spanks them over something like a birthday celebration, and he's certainly not making any headway in terms of teaching them that JWs are the "one true religion", because Christianity is based on LOVE not on treating one's own children like vomit. If a face-to-face conversation is not feasible for you, then a letter expressing these concerns (have it checked by your lawyer before you send it, and keep a copy) is a reasonable alternative.

  You can (or your husband can) make a report to child services about your concerns. They have to protect your identity if you disclose it to them, or you can make an anonymous report. They will follow up with an investigation, and will be interested in visiting when he has his next visits with the children. This gives you some official documentation, in addition to your own notes, when you take the next step: going back to court.

  If he is unwilling to modify his behaviour, then you have to start thinking about seeking a modification in visitation (which should not impact on child support) for the sake of the children. He certainly doesn't seem to be too interested in engaging with your children when he has them, so it won't make much difference to him. The other thing you might want to find out is whether he takes them to the KH all dirty and upset like you described, and then tries to blame their condition on you. I'd also try to find out whether he's got a new lady friend and is upset whenever he has the children because they "cramp his style" and he can't get together with her.

  Love, Scully
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  jgnat

  Msjam, you have received good advice all around. Preserving as much of the relationship as possible is very good for your children's mental health. Keeping a journal is also very good advice. If things start to go very bad your objective, documented observations will have a lot more weight with a Judge or social worker than a whiney, nasty ex.

  I imagine it is very difficult to reason with a JW who believes he is right and the rest of the world is damned. I would concentrate more on the children. They, at least, can be reasoned with. They are the ones that will bear the scars for your ex's mistakes. Do not badmouth your ex in front of the children. He is digging his own grave on his relationship with the children. Have regular discussions with your children. Teach them how to express their feelings about the situation, and demonstrate unconditional love. Be their rock.
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  Lin

  MsJam, I can definitely relate. I have six children with my ex husband, and when I divorced him in '93, he didn't call them or see them for over two years. He didn't pay child support either, because he was angry at me for divorcing him and moving the kids to another state. The kids were in so much pain, it tore my heart apart. When my ex actually schedule a half-way meeting point where I'd drop the kids off with him for a visitation period, a couple times he didn't show up. He lives in Chicago and I live in Texas, so half way was Missouri, so the drive back home with kids crying because their dad didn't pick them up was torturing. I just kept trying to reassure them that their dad loves them very much, and is angry that he can't be with them every day and is having trouble separating the anger from the love he feels for them.

  Continue to be there for your kids, reassuring them, letting them know they are loved, as you said.

  Also.....document everything. I cannot emphasize that enough, but I kept records of everything, including toll tag receipts when I'd take the kids to Missouri. I kept his hatefilled letters, all the correspondence about visitations, every little piece of documentation you need to hang onto. Get yourself a wide 3-ring binder, and I mean WIDE, 'cause you'll need it. Everything I kept came in very handy when my ex tried to have my kids taken away from me on false charges. I had all the documentation/proof that I needed to prove the charges were false, and the judge had a field day with him. I didn't even have a lawyer, since I was providing for six children all on my own income, I couldn't afford a lawyer, and I had to drive to Chicago for the court dates. I was prepared and ready. He went through three different lawyers on each of the three occasions, with each of his lawyers telling him in front of me not to ever call their office again, and one of them even added the point that my ex really screwed up by messing with me in this way.

  Document every little thing. You never know what your ex may attempt, neither did I. But, I was ready and you should be too.
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  TR

  Hi MsJam,

  Sounds like your X is abusing your kids. Have his custodial rights taken away if possible. Scully's comments are right on. You need to be agressive about this situation.

  When I was a 'hovah, (my wife never was) I started down the path of punishing my kids for rebelling when going to meetings. Fortunately, I wised up and got off that idiotic path. I kick myself every time I think about it. OUCH!

  TR

  Edited by - TR on 2 December 2002 10:28:38
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  MsJam

  Thank you all so much. To let you know, I have a dear friend that encouraged me to document everything. I write everything down,when he is late, how they come home,what they say happens..everything.

  At first I was thinking this is silly what good will it do? Thank you Lin I know see just how vital it can be.

  I have asked on several occasions for all of us (myself,my ex,my husband and my ex's new wife) to have a sit down conversation about the children. He refuses. He says he is uncomfortable. And doesn't know what we can accomplish. So I continue to document. Early next year we will have to sit down with a court mediator. I wonder if that will make him more comfortable?

  He is very good in the child support area. As he knows the law because he used to work for the DA enforcing child support orders.He is fully aware of what can happen to him if he were to quit supporting his children.

  On a side note. I wish that I had found this website 3 years ago. What a support it would have been in those days. To have people going through or gone through what I was. Don't get me wrong I had my family,they were always non-witnesses. But they couldn't understand the guilt,shame and paranoia that you carry when leaving a mind controling cult.

  Thank you all again. I was nervous. I usually don't post anything.But it was very theraputic to actually write it out...and to know I'm not alone.

  You'll be hearing from me

  JAM