If anyone here has ever used a *nix flavour (Linux being a popular one), you'll have come across the famous "HOWTO" documents. There are an inconceivable number of Howto's about any subject under the sun - how to set up a second hard drive, how to install a BSD firewall, etc etc. So, as a way of improving my noise to signal ratio on this particular board, I've embarked on what could well pan out to be the worst mistake of my (short) life - writing DUB Howtos.
Who are these HOWTO documents aimed at? Well, Dubs who use Linux are pretty rare, rarer in fact than customers in a cathouse with lots of windows opposite a church on a Sunday morning. SOOOO, these Howtos might be for discerning people who are about to join the Group Mind, or The Collective as it has been fondly labelled on just about every other XJW board. Hopefully after reading these you will be more prepared for life as part of a Hive Mind.
To start off with, it would be appropriate to address a very critical section of Dub life - THE CONVENTION.
Now, Dubs and Conventions go together like wet roads and fast cars. What I mean by that is, once you're in it, there's not much chance of getting out for a considerable period of time. This is what happens at a Convention. But anyway, enough of my bibbling, here is the HOWTO:
Dub Convention HOWTO
Author: [SYN], [email protected]
Summary: This HOWTO document deals with the specifics of attending a Dub Convention. Detailed command line argument usage recommendations are given, and sarcasm is employed in astonishing quantities.
Intended Audience: Anyone thinking about attending a Dub Convention (D.C.), or anyone who has been dragooned into attending one by a well-meaning family member.
Introduction: Like large Furry gatherings, Dub Conventions are not for the faint-of-heart, or in fact anyone with a pulse of any kind. Any event that involves over 8 hours of sitting and listening to a speaker droning on about living in a Paradise Earth and getting to watch all your enemies ("worldlings") munched by birds should probably be given a miss by anyone with an IQ of more than 8 or 9. Strangely, a group of funny people, over 6 million of them in fact, can be found attending these bizarrely orchestrated gatherings every year, in massive quantities.
What Is A Convention? Conventions are like sales conferences, except that if you don't spend 10 hours a month selling the merchandise, you will definitely get eaten by birds at an unspecified future time.
How Do I Use A Convention? Weeeeeeell, you carn't really use a Convention - that would be unwise. You can avoid a Convention, and in fact we will be covering this topic in not inconsiderable detail later on...let's just say that you want to stay as far as physically possible away from Conventions if at all possible. If you are obliged to physically attend a Convention, there are many ways to mentally distance yourself from these sort of events.
Where Can I Get A Convention? There are several mirror sites available where Conventions can be obtained. Most neighbourhoods have one, just like every neighbourhood these days has someone suffering from The Syph (usually the last person you fornicated with). Kingdom Halls are simple enough to obtain, but, just like cocaine, they can be a very hard habit to kick, especially if you have the Hovah-vulnerability gene sequence. Fortunately Kingdom Halls do not present the inevitable problems associated with needle sharing and so forth, but there are considerable difficulties later on, when you have to try and exchange interesting conversation with other Publishers after the Meetings, but a discussion on that topic is beyond the scope of this HOWTO.
Where Do I Begin? Now that youve acquired your Convention from the closest mirror site, perhaps spending a few days in Field Service beforehand just to warm up them Theocratic Bones, as my old Circuit Overseer, bless his mind-controlled heart, used to say, would be a good way to start. You can always see when Dubs are about to attend a Convention instead of their normal Pioneer Crawl, they exhibit unpredictable bursts of spontaneous bouncy activity, usually immediately after they realize that that special time of the day reserved for a 2 hour long coffee break has arrived. This is because they know that they wont have to go out in FS (Service) for the weekend of the Convention. Conventions in this way are kind of like a stay of execution, or even a Presidential Pardon, except in this instance it is Jehover and not Mr. Bush who is doing the pardon. In fact, you could think of it as a sort of invincibility power-up like you get in Megaman, that makes you invulnerable to birds of prey for two days of the year. Excellent!
Once Youre There The first thing to do once you pitch up at the Convention is to try and look Theocratic. This will get you lots of empty smiles and the occasional frown from an Apostate Protestor (Those Really Crazy People Who Are Just Mad Because Things Went Wrong For Them, So Now Theyre Taking It Out On Jehovers Organization, And Son, Youll See The Birds Eating The Flesh Offa Them Their Bones In A Few Years, Well, Real Soon Now) who will attempt to wave a placard in your face. At all costs, avoid reading what is on these placards, as it may detract from your enjoyment of the Spiritual Food presented to you by the Faithful and Discreet Slave (Patent Pending) during the Convention.
How Do I Get To Look Theocratic? This is the easy part. First, arrive in a car that can seat at least 38 people. Once youve arrived in this excellent Service Vehicle, people will run up to you as if you were a Theocratic Rock Star, almost like JR Brown, and they will tell you how Theocratic you look. This happens to be a great ego-booster, as well as being an excellent way to attract Mature Spiritual Sisters who appreciate being able to stretch out in the back of a nice big van. Also, you should wear thread-bare garments, to show that you dont spend money on the Worthless Things Of The World. Examples of this would be things like deodorant, toothpaste, and hair gel, all of which are mere luxuries which can be dispensed with by truly Theocratic people who follow the examples of their Elders. As it happens, this is also the reason why all the Elders always sit in the front away from everyone else.
Another great way of looking Theocratic is to sit as far as physically possible away from the speaker podium. Why do this? Its simple. The closer you get to the speaker, the less Spiritual you are. Really Spiritual Publishers can normally be found setting up tents on the roof of the Convention Facility, but a few truly zealous Servants of Jehover have even been seen setting up camp in a hastily hired hot-air balloon. If you can get that far away from the speaker, you are assuredly not going to become budgie dinner any day now.
During The Convention There are any number of activities which can be pursued during the Convention. Obviously the most important one is partaking of the Spiritual Food, and then there are the lunches.
The Lunches Lunches are a very important part of Conventions. Jehover instructed his minions (the FDS) to dispense with breakfasts at Conventions, since the Brothers and Sisters would be getting plenty of Spiritual Food during the Convention anyway hey, breakfast, who needs it, right?
Thus, thanks to this kind provision from the FDS, we are left with our Lunches. Lunches used to be quite different, with Physical Food (which is not as Spiritual as Spiritual Food, an important distinction for those who want to ace their tests and get on the fast track to being an Elder or Elderette) being provided by people who slaved away in kitchens all day long to make it for the Brothers. We were told that they did this because they loved Jehover, but really, Brothers and Sisters, what could be better than stirring a boiling pot all day? Well, its a damn sight better than watching a speaker boil on the podium all day, thats for sure. Each to his own.
In these modern times (difficult and hard to deal with), we have been gifted with another amazing revelation from the FDS, only this time there was no red book with psychedelic pictures in it used to scare the living crap out of little Theocratic Kids every Thursday night accompanying the Revelation. Yeah, this Revelation cameth to the minions of Jehover in its usual fashion, by way of ear at midnight, whispered by an angel, and this angel said to them Thou shalt ban hot lunches at the Conventions, so as to SIMPLIFLY yourselves. Certainly, if I were gifted with a Revelation like that from an Angel, I would Simplify my Mexican dinner arrangements (in fact, you could go so far as to presume that I would eliminate them altogether). But, true to form, the FDS rolled over, with difficulty, and the next morning it was proclaimed from the rooftops of Bethel by unlucky Publishers (who missed breakfast, and were sent to the eaves by Knorr), that there would be NO MORE HOT LUNCHES.
After this simplification, a notable difference appeared in the way Publishers sought nourishment during the interminable, Kingdom Song filled lunch hour. There would be a sudden departure of thousands of people, headed for the nearest hot-dog stand. Swamped by demand for their hot-dogs, the vendors began praising the might of Jehover, He who gifted them with incredible sausage sales, and they too found the Truth on that day.
And What Else Is There? Apart from The Lunches, not much really! Oh, theres lots of flipping through your Bible, seeing if you can reduce your seek time for Scriptural References. Apparently there is a small renegade group of very pale young Publishers who have started Friday-Night Scripture-Looking-Up-Evenings (they were never too gifted with words, these guys), and they have little competitions to see who can find Scriptures the fastest. These young men (invariably they are young men, young women have more pressing concerns, such as whether their skirts are three inches higher than is acceptable to the Elders) can be spotted straight away. They sit and watch the speaker like hawks, ready to draw their double-holstered side-Bibles, small, highly efficient Scripture Machines. You could almost call them Convention Outlaws. Occasionally they will have a shoot-out, which can be very exciting, especially if the speaker mentions a very obscure Bible book like the 2 Amos, in which case powerful frowns of concentration will bedeck the foreheads of these brave Tower Boys who will rifle through the pages of their Bibles at an insane speed.
After The Convention: This is where it all gets interesting. Now, you have to try and compress 8 hours of mindless bibblebabble into a really striking, Spiritually Mature comment that you can share with any Brothers or Sisters from your Congregation that you encounter while on your way to your giant van. If you pull this one off right, you never know, you might just not become birdfood.
Good luck!