I know many of us have had relationship issues and many are looking for relationships very vigorously. To the point of actually pushing the opposite sex away. Sending them running for the hills. We all want to be loved and accepted for who we are, rather than who we are percieved to be.
Perhaps you need to take a look at yourself before persuing so quickly. Have a good relationship with yourself first. Then persue the opposite sex... For those of you who feel you are ready for the safari. Happy Hunting.
The Safari continues.. during the relationship.. and even in marriage. ah the survivor of the fittest.
You feel ready for a new relationship. You love yourself. You have dealt with childhood issues and those from past relationships. You are clear about the reasons for wanting a relationship. You are willing and able to put in the work that creating a committed, loving relationship requires. Now that you know you are ready, how do you find a partner who is the right person for a committed, loving relationship? How do you know he or she is, indeed, the one for you?
If you are in fact ready for a relationship, you should ask yourself the following questions upon meeting someone: "Are you (my potential partner) ready for a committed relationship?" "Are you the one for me?" Perhaps, more importantly, "Are you not the one for me?" According to divorce statistics, in over 50 percent of marriages, the answer of one or both partners is: "You are not the one for me." Hopefully, by making a careful choice up front, you will not become a statistic later on.
In evaluating the questions "Are you the one for me?" or "Are you not the one for me?" it is important to be honest with yourself and your potential partner. Both of you need to know what each wants out of life. Discuss your dreams, goals, lifestyles, hobbies, finances, religious and political beliefs, and desires for having children. Nowadays, many relationships end because partners allow the relationship to further develop without first discussing these topics. Truth and honesty are of the utmost importance in relationships. Lies-even subtle deception-cannot provide a solid foundation for a loving, committed relationship.
How do we decide whether someone is right or wrong for us? Your decision should be based, in part, on your expectations of a relationship. Identifying the right person with whom to build a relationship is difficult for so many of us. We are often influenced by past experiences when choosing our partners. These past experiences, especially childhood ones, form mental moulds. They are shaped by early childhood memories, and one's relationship history with parents, siblings, and other family members. These moulds tell us about who we are, our assets and weaknesses, what we deserve, and what we should expect. As a child just beginning to learn about the world, you take every opportunity to do so. So, each time you witness an event as a child, you make a mental note of what you should learn from that type of experience. We learn about relationships between people from our parents' relationship, or from other relationships that we witness. We learn about ourselves from how others treat us; and we learn about the world fro other's reactions to our actions. Eventually, we have a complete "how-to" guide for getting along in the world. We take our guide with us into adulthood and use it to navigate through life. Because this guide is such an integral part of us-our inner child-we protect it at all cost. We seek experiences that confirm it. We avoid experiences that challenge it. We choose partners based on a childhood schema of "how relationships work," which we learnt from our parents. An extreme example of this type of selection is that of a child beaten by a parent. In adulthood, that person is more likely to become involved in one or more abusive relationships. Although unhealthy, painful and potentially fatal, many are caught in this vicious cycle. Why? Because their how-to guides dictate "Men hurt women; women hurt men; or vice versa. I will get hurt if I stand up for myself. I don't deserve to be treated with dignity." For those who have suffered a lifetime of abuse, this is not a conscious choice; but it is deeply linked to their fundamental beliefs about relationship dynamics.
Many of us have found ourselves with partners who behave frighteningly like our parents, and that our actions often mirror those of a same-sex parent. Unconsciously, there is safety in familiarity. This is why we sometimes choose partners who are wrong for us, even when we consciously tell ourselves that we do not want to be in a relationship like that of our parents. Reshaping emotional moulds requires a thorough examination of childhood lessons, as well as their impact on one's adult life. When we are free of the denial surrounding our childhood lessons, we are on the road to leaving them behind. Healing childhood trauma, altering childhood messages, and changing old patterns is an ongoing and gradual process. The more changes one makes, the easier it is to build upon these changes; and the easier it is to identify whether someone is right or wrong for us.
Today, I understand the moulds and beliefs that were part of my growth to adulthood. I recognize how they influenced my adult decision-making processes and my relationships. Much of my acquired knowledge was wrong, which resulted in poor choices and unhappiness in my life. I have taken the time to examine these moulds and beliefs that were passed down to me. In all honesty, as a result of this examination, I have discarded about 95% of this inherited knowledge over the past several years. There is an old expression, "Out with the old; in with the new." I have reshaped my own moulds and beliefs to better serve me. They allow me to make better choices for myself that are not based on the influences of others. Today, I express my true individuality-who I really am, and not whom others felt I should be. How wonderful it is to stand in front of a mirror and recognize your true reflection, instead of someone else's reflection.
I encourage everyone to honestly and thoroughly examine the moulds, beliefs, and knowledge that were passed down to you by others. Trust me, it is a painful process of questioning and cross-examining issues that have been with us our entire lives. This emotional housekeeping, unpleasant as it might be, will reveal many truths and confront one's many fears. It scared the living daylights out of me! My fears brought me to the early realization that; much of my own knowledge was a bunch of lies and rubbish. As a result, I replaced what was entirely wrong for me with a new set of beliefs and agreements by which to live. The same can happen for you, providing that you are prepared to work at it.
Embarking on this journey will allow you to make better choices that create more success, wealth, and happiness in your life. It will also facilitate recognizing the person with whom to share a rising, loving relationship.
Hope you find happiness.
Xandria