g'day apostates,
Last week i was feeling a bit off and in some serious pain, so i climbed aboard the bush beast and headed for the hospital. (to visit a doctor after-hours or without an appointment isn't done in this part of the world) luckily for me Bega District hospital is only a fifteen minute drive from my bolt-hole in the hills.
I park the car and, holding my upper abdomen, head to the reception. In agony i fill out the form (lucky for me the questions are very simple .. age, sex, birthdate (i remmember forgeting my birthdate once but that was way back in my JW days - baptism date 10th Oct 1972 but birthdate? what's that? lol back then i didn't even know i was a Taurian :(
DrYoungBlood: "Oh we'll have to admit you and do some tests .. it looks as though your gall bladder is infected"
me: "OK .. moaaan"
DrYoungBlood: "trouble is, we're short of beds tonight" .. "i'll go see what i can do"
me: "groaaaan"
DrYoungBlood: "first i'll give you something for the pain" .. "what would you prefer .. ***? (some opiot i can't recall the name of) .. pethadine? .. morphine?
me: "morphine sounds good"
later ...
Nurse BigCheek: "excuse me mr.GallBladder .. a woman has offered to share her bed but only if you're a ballroom dancer"
me: (me thinks "what the?' :) "will horizontal folk dancing do?" :)
later ...
DrYoungBlood: "you're lucky mr.gall bladder .. there is one bed left in the entire hospital"
.. and with that two giggling nurses wheel me off to the maternity ward! At first i think "this is OK i love the company of women" .. only trouble was, this wasn't like the maternity ward i remmembered witnessing my daughters being born at twenty or so years ago. ..That Adelaide private hospital was wonderful. The maternity ward had the ambience of a dignified public library .. all the babies in cribs surrounding a small radio tuned to a popular rock station, the music calming the savage little beasts into quiet slumber .. .. if a baby cried any longer than ten minutes it got picked up and fed or cuddled back to sleep or whatever .... but this place was panomonium .. babies cried all night .. nurses laughed themselves silly in the corridor (especially at the midnight shift change) it was one big party .. take the first night for instance -
i was just settling into my big fluffy pillow dreams when a woman is wheeled past my door, legs akimbo in the full act of giving birth .. "nothing strange about that" i hear you say .. well yeah, except not only is she accompanied by a gaggle of nursing staff but half her family and friends are yelling out all sorts of advice and encouragement to the poor woman going through the full curse on Eve. They stop her bed just 10 feet or so from my door and being an inquisitive soul, i lean over and peer out the door - only just in time to see the baby's head emerging from you know where .. (far out - i'd never seen that before!)
my curiosity somewhat chasened, i decided minding my own business be the order of the day. It wasn't long and a baby crying followed by hollers and "WHOOO HOOS" and great rejoicing was going on out there. A short while later a little girl walks past my door, her father loudly proclaiming "DADDY COULDN'T MAKE YOU A BABY SISTER, SO I MADE YOU A BABY BROTHER OK?!"
about two hours later (at about 2am) the little girl is still running up and down the corridor outside. (geez, in my day kids weren't even allowed in hospital) Then the little brat sticks her head around my door and yells:
"MY DADDY MADE ME A BABY BROTHER"
me: "yeah and he's just as noisy as you eh?"
littlebrat:"YEAH BUT HE HASN'T GOT A HAIRY FACE LIKE YOU! heeeee"
bloody kids! .. someone should murder 'em. At midnight the nurses are laughing themselves silly so i ask the next one in what gives. "I'll show ya in a minute" she says. Later she reappears behind what looks like a WW11 gas mask. (part of the new anti-aids equipment the nurses find ludacrous and the base of much merriment - ah counry folk are so easily amused!) ... Anyway the partying, the mucking about, the babies crying, the celebrating goes on all night till the sun dawns gently over the mountains and glows its welcome light through the big sliding window. (i'm glad to be in an old fashioned room with window that actually opens - florence nightingale would be proud)
This is a two bed room and the guy in the bed next to me, Tracy, (it's Irish) has bruised his ribs falling from a roof. As a federal cop, he travells the world as a body guard to VIP's like the Queen, Prince Phillip and such and we get along like a house on fire. Eventually, over a shared national geographic, he confesses that he's a christian and "believes in the flood". (gee where's a bloke start? lol) Then he surprises me by comming close and, in hushed tones, asking "have you read The Spear of Destiny?"
Well, that changes everything. This guy is about the 6th person to do that to me and it's always in the same way. I get deep with someone and all of a sudden it gets to a point where they just gotta lean close and whisper "have you read The Spear of Destiny?" Ah The Spear of Destiny" That wonderful underground book that is one of several that together explain everything about life and history and religion and politics and why we are the way we are from ancient beasts to modern neandethals .. . I believe that once one has read The Spear of Destiny, The Messianic Legacy and a few other books such as Urials Machine and The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail one never again need be in the dark either intellectually or spiritually. (I see discussions here on Freemasonry and think "but all thier 'secrets' are revealed. I see discussions on the Bible and know the simple truth of it. I see Jesus freaks still tying to promote thier dead God and wonder why they don't go to a library and read a few history books {it's cheaper than a psyciatrist})
So it is that we have a great few days yarning about "spiritual stuff" and he's wrapped that I'm able to refer him to a few good books to assist his journey. (saying that perhaps our meeting was "meant to be" and "maybe he was meant to fall of the roof" was going a bit far though. I mean surely the good fairies don't push people of roofs and such? lol )
By the way, i now have it on good authority that Prince Phillip is an arse-hole but the Queen is a truly warm and wonderful human being (mum 'll be soo happy when i tell her
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz all night, all day, every hour or so a new pint of saline drip is hung above my little 'machine that goes peep' and i'm flooded through a tube to my right wrist with water, antibiotics and painkillers. (the nurses keep telling me to drink but i'm not the least bit thirsty - the kinky cows are measuring what goes in alongside what comes out and i haven't used 'the bottle' much and feel like i've blown up like a balloon O)
day two: I'm threatened that if i don't pee soon they'll use a cathida(spelling?) I soon fill the bottle to the brim (must be a good litre there! .. amazing what a little incentive 'll do :)
I'm taken down for an ultrasound and get to see my gall stones on the tv monitor. The woman examining me says "ooo your gall bladder's full of pus" Now pus .. there's a word Simon should ban. Am i being silly or is pus the most vile disgusting word in the English language? I may have a weak stomach but farkel can call me a dipfuck anyday and i won't bat an eyelid but if anyone calls me a pusbag i'll puke coffee and chicken sanddwich all over this keyboard!
evening two: there'a a voice from the hallway: it's from the biggest nurse one could ever imagine - I swear she's 6'6"tall and 300lbs plus! ( .. must be a bulgarian weightlifter left over from the Sydney Olympic Games :/
Voice of NurseBulgaria: "MrGALL BLADDER!"
Voice of me: "I'M IN HERE" (geez my names on a card by the door!)
a quarter hour goes by and i hear no more from nurse bulgaria.
me: "Hey Tracy, i recon they've taken the wrong bloke to theatre - don't go to sleep or you could end up with no gall bladder" LOL
tracy: "yeah, i was thinking that too :/"
another quarter hour goes by and in comes nurse bulgaria. Nurse Bulgaria then wheels me to the theatre .. checks my name etc ..
me: I thought you might have taken the wrong bloke to surgery.
nurse bulgaria: we did LOLOLOL
me: (thinks "oh my God!" it's kinda funny but jesus!)
nurse bulgaria: "CORRECT PATIENT IS IN THE AIRLOCK"
door opens - i'm wheeled under the big lights, my anethesist (a lovely man) jabs my arm with a small red syringe and says "you'll pass out soon" .. the theatre nurse is very upset (the regular nurses sent her the wrong patient and now they forgot to give me a blood test) she tosses a short electrical cable on my stomach (my stomach for gods sake!) .. then she bumps my head ..
nurse agro: "call the surgeon at home and tell him the patient is ready to operate" (she then bumps my head again)
nurse agro: sorry (muffled)
me: "that's ok, do whatever you like"
nurse agro: "DON'T WORRY I ALWAYS DO!! LOLOL" - maniacle laughter fills the room ...
nurse Bulgaria joins in and the last thing i remmember before going under the knife is this mad nurse and her huge companion bellowing with laughter ..
me: (in a pathetic attempt at bravery) yeah don't take any crap from a bag of shit like me .. ...zzzz
50 minutes later and i wake up back in the maternity ward .. four small holes in my belly and one less gall bladder. The nurses are lovely but a few are a bit dithery. One, Ann, has trouble with the sight of blood and so i take my own blood sample (do you believe that? lol)
Nurse Ann: "I used to be OK but after i had my children, i changed. Now the sight of blood makes me faint."
me: "Ah you must be a Pisces?! :)"
Nurse Ann: "How did you know that?"
Tracy: "Aww you don't believe in that stuff do ya unclebruce?"
me: "All i know is that i was married to a pisces for over twenty years and i have a 20 year old pisces daughter and i can spot a pisces a mile off. I don't know much about the other star signs except taurus" ;)
Nurse Ann: "I don't understand how the stars can possibly effect your life like that ..."
me: "neither do i, on one level it's ridiculous, but i just know a lot of that stuff fits'
day three: The surgeon comes to visit. It turns out he lives on a property just a few miles from my place and wants to come visit the old mines etc (gee times have changed - a doc socialising with us little folk lol) I can go home .. whoo hoo .. but not till i've had my first decent meal here - shepherds pie mmm custard and jelly mmm can't i stay a bit longer?
The moral of the story: so folks, if you want a weekend in bed with free drugs and fun company, grab some clean underwear, head down to your local hospital and say you're crook (but try to steer clear of the maternity ward and nurses that have the evil eye)
unclebruised
ps: Funny thing: Most people were hooked up to saline and i never saw a blood transfusuion the whole time. I guess they're used more sparingly than they once were. Shit, i forgot to ask 'em my blood type (i always wanted to know that!)
Edited by - unclebruce on 20 December 2002 10:40:27