Forgiveness

by happysunshine 5 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  happysunshine

  Is there a point when forgiveness becomes counter-productive? When is that? -J
• 

  Mystla

  You can forgive an abuser, but not to the point that you allow the abuse to be repeated. If someone hits you and you forgive them, and they hit you again... do you forgive them again so it can all be repeated? If your spouse cheats on you, and you find out.. you have the option to forgive them, but if they do it again, should you?

  I think that there is a differance between forgiving and enabling. As long as that line isn't crossed, forgive whomever whenever your heart motivates you to.

  and thats my $.02

  Mystla
• 

  Introspection

  This probably sounds like nonsense to some, but forgive yourself for not being always able to forgive others. Like anything else, if you go with a black and white should and shouldn't in all cases, something's missing. After all, if you don't forgive someone from your heart, is it really forgiveness? Another way of saying the same thing (forgiving yourself for not forgiving others) is to just allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you're feeling, instead of repressing it and pretending it's forgiveness.
• 

  SPAZnik

  seems to me your question will be a little difficult to answer because the definition of "forgiveness" is so individual.
  and the definition of "productive" is probably just as individual.

  i've heard it said that forgiveness does not = condoning. i like that.
  it frees me up from anger and revenge issues, but still allows me to protect myself against further hurt.
  in this way, forgiveness is always productive, to me.

  i think forgiveness becomes counter-productive when it is not coupled with balance and reason and based on reality.
  ie. forgiveness given without at least ONE party having learned from the scenario. (such as failing to implement protective measures against future predictable hurt.)
  i find it incredibly ez to forgive. perhaps i'm just incredibly lazy and find it a waste of valuable energy to stay mad at people.
  the down side to that forgiveness iz that i sometimes forgive too soon without even letting the person know they hurt me.
  all too frequently letting people walk all over me b4 i do anything about it. i often put too much effort into understanding their position, leaving me at risk to being hurt further by them, mainly because i didn't put enough effort into ensuring my position was also represented. i have a bad habit of letting things escalate way the hell and gone instead of saying "ouch" soon enough.
  i'm learning to head things off sooner. i'm finding this takes practise.
  
  up to now i've lived how others want me to be, and simply done as i'm told.
  i'm finally learning to stand up for myself. this comes as a shock to most users and abusers.
  
  i've had to learn that i have just as much right as the next person, to express myself when i've been hurt.
  i've had to learn that some people will, when i express my hurts, call me unforgiving,
  as though i don't have the same rights they do when it comes to expressing hurt.
  i'm learning that i'm allowed to express my hurts, just as others are allowed.
  i've had to learn that "saying ouch" when someone does something hurtful to me,
  does not mean i judge or condemn them as individuals (something I don't want to do),
  it just means i wuz hurt by it and I've chosen to let them know that.
  
  how they respond from there (seek to understand, resolve, deny, blame, excuse) is their choice.

  SPAZ
• 

  happysunshine

  thanks sapz.
• 

  Simon

  I think forgiveness is usually tied to relaxing of sanctions or punishment in some way and this would not be done if the person was still doing what originally caused them.

  So, forgiveness is usually tied to a change of behavior (I would think)