The below message is only a parody, and is not intended to be confused with
actual articles from theWatchtower Magazine or from the Governing Body of
Jehovah's Witnesses)
Please note, my intention is not to be blasphemous, but to make light of
certain teachings that don't seem to be very loving, kind or understanding;
basically, not the God of Jesus. Please read them in the proper context.
Latest Headlines:
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSE'S ADD 3,211 NEW ADDITIONS TO OFFICIAL "PROHIBITED
ACTIVITIES" LIST
New directives call for abandoning all activities "not expressly approved by
Jesus."
Going to bathroom, jogging, use of peanut butter, "a matter of conscience"
says governing body.
New 10 volume, 15,000 page handbook of No-No's to be published, distributed
door-to-door by
happy witnesses with nothing to celebrate. When asked about the task, one
withness responded, "What a privledge it is, to be able to bring this 500lb.
list of additional restrictions to our fellow brothers and sisters; Truly we
are blessed beyond words by Jehovah!"
Recently, the govering body has looked into the idea of printing a small
pamphlet entitled, "Things you CAN do as a Jehovah's Witness" to cut down on
printing and delivery costs. The 3-page brochure could be distributed
without the use of cranes or trucks as is now neccessary under, "the current
system of things."
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NEW ADDENDUM TO BOOK OF REVELATION DISCOVERED
A recent discovery from the holy land: New addendum to Revelations reaveals
that John really asking Romans, "Was this dream really weird or what?"
Asking for advice on how to get better nights rest.
Author apologizes for writing down "way bad nightmare" - Promises to lay off
"manna and pickle sandwiches before bed." Tells Romans that "there's been a
bit of a misunderstanding, please disregard that last memo."
Say's John in the newly discovered book of "Recantations", "It's a good
thing I got this out to you guys, otherwise people might have really gone
off the deep end with this stuff."
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