I was disfellowshipped in 1996 for "fornication". This disfellowshipping literally crushed me as I felt I was fully repentant at the time. I was the one who approached the elders to confess. I'm not here to criticize those who made the decision. I no longer care about that. While my parents refuse to shun me, the rest of my family till this day continues to shun me. The hurt from this has faded as well.
The years following my disfellowshipping what creeped into my heart was a hatred for God. I cursed his name and swore never to worship him again. What I saw was a deity that continued to let people die needlessly and suffer. When the tragedy of September 11, 2001 occured, I became enraged. I refused to believe that a loving God would allow such acts to occur, that such evil people were free to roam the planet slaughtering others in the name of God. On May 5, 2001 I married the love of my life. On June 27. 2002, my first child was born. Again this further strengthened my resolve against God. I saw God as a liar, for in the nearly 2000 years since Jesus died, his promise at Revelations 21:4 has gone unfulfilled. As a father I knew that if I was all powerful, I would do everything to keep my son from experiencing pain and eventually death.
Yesterday, January 16th my wife's grandfather was buried. He was a great man. He gave freely asking for nothing in return. If anyone needed help, he would provide. He also was a Christian. In the years before his death, I always smirked how foolish anyone was that put faith in religion. That they were only deceiving themselves in believing in a loving God. I also drew from my experiences growing up. Many Jehovah's Witnesses I knew were more concerned about saving their own neck rather than just worshipping God out of love. My wife's grandfather, I knew truly worshipped God out of love, but I always felt that his time and energy of worship would be better directed elsewhere. What happened yesterday made me re-evaluate my thoughts, my hatred for God.
The midwestern part of the United States yesterday was gloomy, there was snow in the air. As I sat in church waiting for the services to start, I looked around and laughed to myself about how Jehovah's Witnesses think that such a place was part of Christendom, false worshippers of God. Of how God would never have anything to do with the people who worship inside such a building.
I saw many people there who came to pay their respect for my wife's grandfather. I saw their grief and in my heart anger rose up again repeating many thoughts I've had over the last few years. To myself I cursed God again for allowing such sorrow. As the service started something began to change in me. I noticed a light shining through the stained glass window of the church to my left. It was the sun. On such a gloomy day as it was, the clouds broke for a few minutes and the light brightened the room. I know there was nothing miraculous about it, but I saw the reactions of others around. It brought many smiles and tears of joy. Almost as if God himself parted the clouds to allow the sun to shine through and help lift the hearts of so many in sorrow. It was quite touching to me, but I quickly focused back on the service at hand. It was difficult to sit through, I fought back the tears. The pastor in conclusion mentioned a scripture I always held dear. He quoted part of Matthew 25:21 in reference to my wife's late grandfather... He said that after death in reflection of this man's life God would say to him... "Well done, good and faithful servant". I always had yearned to hear of such approval from God, but to never have I met someone as my wife's grandfather, someone who it so well applies. He was not a perfect man, but I have never met someone so loving. I knew it to be true that God would say such words to him. I felt my resolve against God weakening, I began to feel his love again yet in my stubbornness I wouldn't let things go.
There was a scripture I wanted to share with my wife to help comfort her but hadn't done so as yet. I had never expressed to her the anger I felt towards God. I had never told anyone except God. On the drive home, I finally let go. I told her how much I hated God. How he failed in his promise. How he if he was loving he would have never let anything evil happen to begin with. She quickly corrected me saying that without the pain and the loss we would never truly appreciate the good. Just like how some who are wealthy do not appreciate what they have. Instead they are always looking for something better. And how those who are poor appreciate even the smallest of gifts. She is not a religious woman in that she doesn't study the bible or spend time at church, so to myself I dismissed what she was saying reflecting on the failed promise of Revelations 21:4.
When we arrived at home, I showed her the scripture I had wanted to for several days. Ecclesiastes 7:1. "A good name is better than fine perfume, and the day of death better than the day of birth." As I was explaining to her what this meant and how it applied to her grandfather my attention was drawn to the scriptures immediately following. My eyes were opened, my anger and hatred for God being sucked out of me. I saw what my wife said to be true. It was as if God, for the first time in my life, spoke to me answering all the criticism and hate I felt for him.
Ecclesiastes 7:2-4, 8-12
2 It is better to go to a house of mourning
than to go to a house of feasting,
for death is the destiny of every man;
the living should take this to heart.
3 Sorrow is better than laughter,
because a sad face is good for the heart.
4 The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,
but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.
8 The end of a matter is better than its beginning,
and patience is better than pride.
9 Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit,
for anger resides in the lap of fools.
10 Do not say, "Why were the old days better than these?"
For it is not wise to ask such questions.
11 Wisdom, like an inheritance, is a good thing
and benefits those who see the sun.
12 Wisdom is a shelter
as money is a shelter,
but the advantage of knowledge is this:
that wisdom preserves the life of its possessor.
Shocked, I turned to Matthew Henry's Commentary hoping to find that I was just interpreting these scriptures incorrectly. As you can see, I am capable of being very stubborn and didn't want to let go of my hate. What I found though I could not deny. I will not post everything that I read, but instead provide a link to it so that any who wish may read it.
http://www.ccel.org/h/henry/mhc2/MHC21007.HTM
For the first time in many years, in all honesty my life, I felt touched by God, that he understood what I had felt but that there was a reason that it must be this way. I cannot believe what happened yesterday was of mere coincidence. I used to ridicule others who had said that at some time in their life God reached out to them. I will never do this again. I think to the words my wife said in recent days, that there is a reason things happen. Maybe we don't recognize it at the time, but some day we will.
In death I thank my grandfather by marriage. I thank him for all the lives he touched. I thank him that even in death, he became a bridge between myself and God. For this I will be eternally grateful. I wish he could hear my voice now. I wish that he knew what he had done.
God's words in Ecclesiastes chapter 7 became true for me. In sorrow I have become a better person.
Matt