It was in October of 1987, as a 19 year old, raised as a Jehovah's Witness, that I disassociated from them. I have had countless emotional, relationship and professional struggles that I know came from the years of mental control, training to be judgmental, and the culture of everything being all right or all wrong. When I disassociated, I promised myself that when I reached the point where I had more days out than in (it's about four years from now) that I would truly celebrate my freedom-the crossing point when I can no longer say I was a Jehovah's Witness for most of my life.
Granted the number of days is a technicality, I am somewhat attached to them as a symbolic concept (and besides, I am totally into numbers).
In anticipation of this event, I decided to go back to school to become a lawyer. I also took a brave step, met with the Rabbi and have started my conversion to the religion that, in my heart, I know I have always been (All that Torah reading instead of paying attention at meetings and assemblies).
When I was in college I chose an easy career with high demand-teaching math. While I love mathematics and know I am doing something very important and valuable to my students-it wasn't "for real". It was just until I figured out who I was. The mistake in that was that while I was good at it, it distracted me from decision making and ultimately, living a real life. (Anyone out there in college with the same plan-think carefully before going through with it).
A few years back, I hurt a man terribly by accepting his marriage proposal when I knew deep down he had habits I would never accept. But since I wasn't really living who I was anyway, it didn't matter right? Wrong. I did the right thing and broke things off with him before the wedding (but not before he went out and bought a beautiful new suit and I went out and bought the gown).
Since I started Law School last June, I have been putting in a whole-hearted dedication into my studies. I have never done this before. I have never studied and worked so hard in my life. And all the while I was doing this, I had no idea whether I was studying enough, learning enough, writing well enough, all that stuff-there were no quizes along the way.
We had midterms in December and we just got our scores last week, and the grade distributions for each class was posted today. I am very proud to be able to say that I did well. I earned the highest grade in both contracts and torts and while I didn't earn the highest grade in crimes, I was only three points under the highest grade.
I have done well in school generally-but when I did I was generally just going through the motions and not really throwing my soul into it. The satisfaction (even without knowing the rankings) I feel is completely new and wondrous. I can't believe what I have been missing all these years. This is totally awesome.
Shalom, Shoshana