spousal abuse

by jesusstolemyhotrod 5 Replies latest jw friends

  • jesusstolemyhotrod
    jesusstolemyhotrod

    Hello all,

    Although I am out, my parents are still involved with the JW's. After the fiasco they went thru with me and my brother. They have remained "faithful", but at the same time deal with there own feelings of doubt and disgruntlement. My father was at one time a prominent elder in our area who was removed, because of all the gossip in the area about his out of control children. I honestly think they would stop going themselves, but know nothing else. My father once time told me that he goes to meetings etc because that is what he has done all his life and he knows nothing else. Believe me there was quite a fight when i told him that, I thought, he didn't so much have faith, but rather a life long habit.

    Anyway....I digress. The point was that my mother and father are still a very reliable source of info for me, and still fill me in on people that i know, and tend share a lot of there negative expierences with me. I thought i would relate a story here about what is going on in my local area with a family that I have known for as long as i can remember.

    A young sister, 23 years old, got married last June. Three weeks to the day of the marrige, her husband roughed her up. He was drunk. He smashed furniture, spit in her face, and threw her around. She ran out of the house. Called her father who on his way to get her called the police. The police arrived at the home to find the girl hiding in her car down the street. She told them what happened. They went into the house, saw the damage and physical evidence on the girl and arrested the husband. He spent a night or two in jail.

    The congregation was divided, some supported the husband due to ties with the family, some supported the wife. The girl moved out and back in with her parents. The elders tried to encourage them to get back together, but told the girl she had scriptural grounds for seperation. But that they felt that if the elders gave them both some counselling, they could work it out. Now here comes the kicker......the elders told her that pushing and shoving is very often a fact of life in marriage, and she should forgive him. When mom told me that i nearly fell over. Three weeks in to wedded bliss a wife can and should except a little spousal abuse.....i thought i had heard everything but i guess i was wrong.

    Turns out, that while still seperated he messed around on her too. Now they are in the process of a "scriptural divorce". However he was never df'd for any of it. Apparently he acted, in the elders words, out of depression and anxiety. The elders said he showed repentance. At this point almost the entire congregation is against the girl......want to know why......apparently the whole thing could have been avoided if she had not overreacted to some minor, pushy and shoveing, from a drunken husband who was not in his right mind.

    where did the love i used to hear so much about go

    Any similar experences out there

  • Witch Child
    Witch Child

    Oh my goddess... that is so pathetic! The WT, being a total boysclub, never fails to blame the victim.

    That poor girl, I hope she'll get out of that miserable cult.

    ~Witch

  • TR
    TR

    Cripes. It all boils down to quieting things down so the WTS will look good. Any woman who gets smacked around by her husband or boyfriend should:

    1. leave immediately

    2. call the police

    3. Don't go back to abusive spouse

    4. file for divorce

    5. screw what the cong. thinks

    6. screw what the elders think

    7. screw what the WTS thinks

    8. leave WTS

    TR

    Edited by - TR on 23 January 2003 11:52:17

  • happyout
    happyout

    My dad (may he rest in peace) was a substance abuser who would sometimes terrorize the family. He only hit my mother once, when I was pretty young, and all 4 kids and my mom all started hitting him. The neighbors called the police who pulled us off of him. Throughout my life, however, he was verbally abusive, and a couple of times threatened my mom with weapons. The elders, in their awesome spiritual intelligence, told my mom for the longest time that since the husband was the head of the household, there was nothing she could do. And my dad was smart enough to use scriptures against us when we tried to talk to him about why what he was doing was wrong. When I was 16, my mom had another child. My dad loved this kid like he had not loved any of us, maybe because he was so certain it would be his last child. For about 5 years, he stopped abusing drugs and took care of my brother. Unfortunately, he lost his resolve, and started using again. Still, the elders in the congregation kept telling my mom she could not leave him, and she still had to kowtow to his headship. The end finally came when my little brother, who was about 6 or so, told my mom about my dad taking him to a place where people were all "giving themselves shots". He had been to a drug house. My mom (bless her) refused to listen to the elders anymore, and put my Dad out. The elders response was to remind her that she did not have scriptural grounds for divorce, and they said if my dad stopped abusing drugs and wanted to come home, she would be scripturally obligated to allow it. Luckily, my dad did not try to come home anymore, and in the last two years of his life, he cleaned up and was drug free. He did of cancer in May of 1999.

  • ugg
    ugg

    PATHETIC!!

  • Nosferatu
    Nosferatu

    This is one major fault I find with the WT's advice for families. You look in the family book, and the husband is the head of the household. The husband makes the final decision for everything. Whatever the husband says, goes. From my incredible dating experience, it seems to me that women actually DO like the man to take the lead. In a sense, I'm not against this advice. However, it all depends on how a man interprets this message. There is a BIG difference between being a leader, and being controlling. Unfortunately, the society doesn't give specific examples in their literature of how a husband is suppose to take the lead, and how he shouldn't abuse this advice.

    Without a clear definition of the difference between being a leader and being a controller, the man is free to interpret this advice as he wishes. Many will take it as "What I do, goes - regardless of what the woman thinks" which is not the advised way to behave in a marriage. This is abuse, and the WT lets the men get away with whatever they want, since they're the head of the house.

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