Heaven Installs Voice Mail System

Defender

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail?

Thank you for calling Heaven.

For English press 1

For Spanish press 2

For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for request

Press 2 for thanksgiving

Press 3 for complaints

Press 4 for all others

If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1

Jesus, press 2

Holy spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter
his social security # followed by the pound sign.

(If you receive a negative response, dial 666 followed by the pound sign) For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
If you have questions regarding marriage, divorce, finding the right mate, and relationships in general, we encourage you to contact the nearest Jehovah's Witnesses Kingdom Hall and be prepared to offer explicit details about your problem. They seem to have more answers than we do. Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please
hang up and call again tomorrow.

Heaven is now closed for the weekend to observe a religeous holiday
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please
contact your local pastor.
Thank you and have a heavenly day.

ESTEE

LOL@Defender !!!!!!

Ahhhhhhhh! . . . I needed a good laugh today. . .

ESTEE

Solace

LOL

BTW, I am not his receptionist.

God can answer his own calls, I believe its about time he started.

"...You have reached the voice mailbox for the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. Due to our cowardly ways of dealing with problems and/or criticism we have decided to ignore your call at this time, but if you want to leave a message please choose one of the following options:

- If you are an elder and have just molested a child, please press #1;
- If you are an elder and someone has complained that another elder sexually molested them, please press #2.
- If you are a victim of child abuse within the Organization, please hang up now.

- If you wish to donate your money to the Organization, please listen to the following options:
- for amounts of $250,000 or more, please press any key and one of the Governing Body members will give you a written guarantee of Everlasting Life.
- for amounts of $100,000 or more, please press '0' on your phone and you will be connected to a greedy Christian within seconds;
- for amounts between $25,000 and $99,999, please press 00' and leave a message as to when you'll be delivering the loot;
- for amounts between $5,000 and $24,999 we would like to ask you to dig down deep and get those greenbacks out. Remember, God loves a cheerful giver.
- for amounts under $5,000, please hang up now and call back when you have more.

If you would like to complain about how our changing doctrines have ruined your life, please press #4 and you'll be disconnected immediately;

If you are a wholesaler and have a good deal on Depends for our Governing Body members, please press #5;

For depression, please go out in service and pray more;

If you've practiced oral sex on your mate, please come straight to Bethel and show us exactly what you did;

If you think you are possessed by Satan, please press #666 now;

If you are a cross-dresser and would like to be part of the Governing Body, please call 1-800-J.R. BROWN for details;

If you are a lawyer for Bill Bowan or Barbara Anderson, please hang up now.

For all other inquiries, please wait on Jehovah and He'll be with you shortly.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail?

A vast improvement of his current system of not answering or returning calls!

Heaven Installs Voice Mail System

Defender

SPAZnik

ESTEE

FiveShadows

Solace

Mary

Solace

Warrigal

kheli

funkyderek

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