zanex retires

zanex

his anger...I think that I have gotten to a point where all the anger that I have been holding onto for all of these years is not doing me any good...I actually got into a conversation with my better half in which she told me that she was tired of the constant self-abuse that I put myself through. I have been df'd for a long time and I have had time to get used to the fact that if my family ever wants to have contact with me it will be if they give up their religious beliefs..I can no longer allow the anger to eat at me...it isnt doing anything good for me. I dont want to be angry anymore...

blind rage controls

animosity kills

I no longer want either

to do as they will

I am free from my chains

free from the pains

I need to give life a chance

no more hateful rain

for so long I fed off of the malice

feasted on emotional scars

no more...

I am bringing down my cage, breaking the bars

I need to release

the grief

put to peace

the beast

-Z-

pettygrudger

That's wonderful zanex, and who knows - there's always the possibility that your family members may join you one day. Until then, enjoy life - its a wonderful thing!!!!

bikerchic

(((((zanex)))))

Good for you! I loved your poem it sounded so heartfelt and sincere. It's a good place to get to when you finally get fed up with the crap and just let it go. My hats off to you, your life will start to be something you will truely treasure now. IMHE (experience)

I need to release
the grief
put to peace
the beast

This part of the poem reminded me of a book I've read and have shared with so many people called "The Places That Scare You", by Pema Chodron, look it up on amazon.com and see if it's something you would enjoy reading.

That book helped me to see that life is simple if we let it be. We have choices we can be angry and resentful or not..........it really is just that simple!

I'm going to print out your poem and put it as a bookmark in that book, it's a wonderful poem!

Katie

zanex

pettygrudger: thanx..I dont have any expectations that my parents will ever be back in my life like I woulld lilke them to be but it isnt going to stop me from moving on myself. :) I just had to get a hard thwack on the side of the head and it made me see some things that I hadnt seen before.

bikerchic: I'll have to check out that book..I hadnt heard of it before but the title does sound like something interesting. I will definitely check into it. I find that I express my thoughts/feelings better in poetry form..not sure why but it seems to work. Thanks for the compliment! I really HAD gotten to that point where I was/am fed up with all the stupid crap that was doing nothing but holding me back. It is easier now too...the last 2 mornings I have woken up and felt HAPPY...I liked myself more than I had ever before. I had thought for so long that just because I was not in the borg anymore that they had no more control over me, but the truth of the matter is that since I got "disfellowshipped" I had thought of myself as a bad person...damn brainwashing...:) Anyway...thanx again..

animal

I lost all of my anger.... and the inability to control it. Now I enjoy others trying to make me angry.

Animal

bikerchic

zanex:

It is easier now too...the last 2 mornings I have woken up and felt HAPPY...I liked myself more than I had ever before. I had thought for so long that just because I was not in the borg anymore that they had no more control over me, but the truth of the matter is that since I got "disfellowshipped" I had thought of myself as a bad person...damn brainwashing...:) Anyway...thanx again..

Wow!! I just love hearing about those "light-bulb" moments! Good for you, you are a good person, just not a JW anymore, nothing wrong with that now is there?

Hugs!

Katie

zanex

animal: LOL I like that...

bikerchic: I have had quite a few of those "light bulb moments" recently, as you so eloquently phrased it. (I liked that btw) Yah there is nothing wrong with that...and damn if it doesnt feel good being able to say that and mean it. (sheepish grin)

pettygrudger

I didn't realize that was your poetry - very nice Zanex!!!

Its funny, because as a JW I NEVER thought I was a good person - I think that's whats programmed into one first - that we're all "sinners" who are one small action away from total damnation & eternal death......and then when confirmation is made via "df'ing" - that just reimposes what alot already feel about themselves.

Once again good job & good luck Zanex! Keep posting here though btw - others will surely benefit from your experiences!

Robdar

Zanex,

Your poem touched me. It is beautiful verse and speaks to the wounded xJW in all of us and the anger that we feel from our experiences with the org. Thank you for sharing your story and your poem.

Love,

Robyn

zanex

pettygrudger:" Its funny, because as a JW I NEVER thought I was a good person - I think that's whats programmed into one first - that we're all "sinners" who are one small action away from total damnation & eternal death......and then when confirmation is made via "df'ing" " this is the absloute truth...I like what ya said. It made me look back on my days as a jw..I dont ever really recall feeling good about myself...and that sentence really made me look back. I feel better about myself now than i ever did as a practicing jw..

rodbar: If some small thing that I put down on this computer screen touched you then it was well worth it. The words are small but they have meaning behind them that only a select group of people can understand fully. I am glad that I have been able to relate. That wounded exjw that I was is finally healing...the poetry is a reflecton of that healing process and one that I am glad to be able to share with others. :)

-Z-

zanex retires

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