Another dream of returning to the Kingdom Hall

by LyinEyes 7 Replies latest jw friends

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  LyinEyes

  Last nite I had another dream, it has been awhile and since consciencely I don't want to go back to the KH, it is a little disturbing.

  I dreamed I went back but went to a different congregation , but I saw many of the same people I grew up with , I threw my last pack of cigs away. I wondered why so many people were afraid to talk to me, but I was glad to see them. I was glad to see so many kids for my children to make new friends with. My son, had a friend from school there , that was also playing football but still able to be a good JW. Then I went back to my childhood congregation. This one was harder I felt I was begging this one elder to let me back in, I was crying telling him, he knew the pain I went thru as a kid with my family and I needed to be back and in my heart never left. Then I saw my dad, and expected him to turn away from me, but he just hugged me. Now that really was a dream.

  I guess I will try to explain, or decode this dream,,,,,,,I think it surfaced because Feb. 2 would have been my mother's 53 birthday and my sister went to her grave and also the old house of my grandmother and got some pics , some things that were my mom's. I was heavy in heart of all the past ,,,,,,,, as bad it was , it was all I had.

  I think I dreamt that dream because I was just feeling loss, it was the people , the security that the religion gave me, not the believing in the religion anymore. I just wanted to go back because I think it symbolized the lost childhood, the past,,,,, even thou it would be in real life , like returning to the scene of a terrible crime.

  I told my husband about this dream , like so many others, and he said maybe it is because I miss my spirituality. I think this is very true, I havent found any sense of hope , faith or connection to others, like I did as a JW, even if it was based on falsehood. Just like my childhood home life, why would I want to go back to being at home with all that went on there? I guess as bad as some things are , these were parts of our lives that just were such a part of us, and we define ourselves by what we went thru.

  Since my childhood home is gone, my dad, my mother, my whole former life has vanished,,,,,,,, I guess I know I can never go back home. So the congregation was my home in those years after our family broke up,,,,,,,, now I can never go back there either. Don't get me wrong, I really don't want to go back, but the fact is ,,,,,,,,,, I can't.. it is not there for me anymore either.I would only be shunned as I am now, the door forever locked and it doesnt seem just , because just like at home I don't feel it was my fault. It is the WT fault for lying and coverups to begin with. They in a sense MADE me leave, I couldnt stand the pain of staying there anymore.

  I just thought this whole thing was strange, going back in the subconscience dreams of always trying to fit in, of going back to what at one time gave me what I thought was meaning in life.

  Just another phase of grieving my lost faith, dreams, family and friends.

  Do any of you still have dreams or feelings that come up that conflict with what you know in your head is not what you really want?
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  TheSilence

  not in conflict with what i know i want, necessary... but i had dreams into my early to mid twenties that god was going to kill me.

  jackie
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  FiveShadows

  I think I dreamt that dream because I was just feeling loss, it was the people , the security that the religion gave me

  Makes sense.

  I told my husband about this dream , like so many others, and he said maybe it is because I miss my spirituality.

  I could be wrong but i think it's not because you miss your spirituality..but because you BELIEVE you have to go to the kingdom hall..the place you grew up in practically, to get a SENSE of the spirituality that you wish to achieve.

  I havent found any sense of hope , faith or connection to others, like I did as a JW, even if it was based on falsehood.

  Yes I understand where that comes from. That was the only place that made you feel 'welcomed' ...then again that was only if you did accordance with their doctrines and beliefs.(sounds like the 'world' doesn't it? 'the world is fond of what is it's own') When i finally had decided to leave the organization two-three years ago...being only 18 at the time...i felt very vunerable...i had known the jw's since i was 10...i became intensely affraid of whether my decision was the right one or not. I didn't find any 'sense of hope, faith or connection to others like i did as a jw.' On top of which i had every jw brother and sister nagging voice in my head saying how i had become a victim of satan's world and grasp etc..and how YOUNG i was and because of my age and my 'inexperience' ...i didn't know any better. Of course now i don't believ ein religion period. They're all the same...religion is religion to me. All of them preach the same way...glorify themselves ...say they're the Truth...etc...lie after lie after lie. But anyhow...my point is...we've all been through it...and but it's normal...especially since you spent your childhood as a jw. That has a deep impact on the mind of a child. Seek out TRUTH in everything...is what i do to achieve spirituality...and don't take my word for it...God...is God...i don't know if you believe in him anymore or not...but if you do(well even if you don't)...ask for the answer...to your spirituality...direction...etc..and He will grant it. ~FS

  p.s. my dreams now consist of giant donuts chasing me trying to eat me :-D

  Edited by - Fiveshadows on 3 February 2003 16:14:14
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  Guest 77

  Yeah, some dreams can be so real, and if its not in our favor, boy are we glad to wake up. Personally, I don't read into dreams though ideas come to me. I really don't recall having any dreams such as yours. It was interesting to read your post, maybe tonight I'll have one those dreams, and if I do, I'll let you know and blame you, ha ha.

  You must have felt good that your dad hugged you, that made me feel good to hear. As to spirituality, Galations 5:22, 23 is very clear about spirituality. After citing the fruitages of the spirit it says, "Against such things there is NO law". Now that's freedom, no law.

  You, your husband and children is what is important. As to inner conflicts, I no longer have them. Thanks for sharing.

  Guest 77
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  freedom96

  We have to remember that for some of us, the whole WTS experience was a major part of our life. For me, I grew up as one, and that was all I knew. Many of my childhood memories surround various witness activities, whether it was friends, service, meetings. I would say a good 80% of those memories directly involve something to do with the watchtower. So to have dreams of that past would not be unusual.

  The subconcious is very powerful, and during dreams can certainly just be going back to what once, was all we knew.
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  Swan

  Dede,

  Oh yes. I have had many, many dreams like that. I interpreted them as my mind trying to deal with the loss, to show me how different I was and that change is good, and that it was okay to move on because I obviously could never go back. They seem so real at the time, but then I woke the contrast between then and now was easily apparent. I consider the dreams a healing mechanism.

  After a few years they began to shift in nature. I would go back, but get annoyed by the ridiculousness of it. I would get up and walk out when the speaker said something dumb, or if my parents wanted me to follow some silly rule at the assembly, I wouldn't. I began to assert my independence more and more in these dreams.

  Lately the dreams have shifted again and my family is starting to question the JW teachings. In one that happened during the holidays they were hesitantly trying out a few Christmas customs. I don't know what the meanings of these dreams are, other than if I am me and my family too in the dream, then I am more accepting of my new life more than ever and more sure than ever before that the JWs were wrong. Any lingering subconscious doubt is slowly fading as healing progresses.

  Just remember that in your dream you are you, and you are your elder, and you are your father. You play all roles, invent all things in response to subconscious feelings and conflicts. In this case your dream may be trying to reconcile your feelings for your father with the love you feel for yourself and the conflict represented by the JW elder. Keep in mind that it is okay to dream these dreams, it is a natural process of healing, and that they will change over time. If you feel sad or lonely after one of them, that's okay too. If you want to cry, let yourself. It is just part of the grieving process.

  I hope this helps you.

  BTW, it may be time to try to give up the cigs for real. Your subconscious mind may be telling you that you don't need them anymore.

  Tammy
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  LyinEyes

  Thanks for the responses. I really am firm on my position of not ever returning or believing any of their doctrines ever again. But the emotiona ties are what these dreams are about.

  Wow,,,,,,,,,, Swan said something very powerful, I never thought about, that I am all of the characters in my dream. That is profound, regarding my dad,,,,,, because I don't think it will ever happen the way I dreamt it. I guess I was comforting myself , like you said, I was , as my father, giving me a hug, no words, no explanations, just a long awaited hug.

  I dream alot about my mom and me having conversations, of my grandmother, so this makes sense that it is ME, who is all of these people in my dreams , giving me the comfort that I need. This gives me some things to think about , in a whole different light.

  Anyone have any other ideas as to interpreting your dreams? Yes , Swan, you are 100% right in the cig thing. I have thought long and hard of giving them up , but just not ready yet, but I know what the right thing to do is. So even consciencously I know this is true.

  Oh I had a few dreams a few weeks ago two in a row, I was going back to the meetings, and got in the drive way , got pissed at wanting to be accepted but decided I didnt want to be shunned for 6 months or so until I got reinstated,,,,,, so I turned around and told them to go to hell.
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  Swan

  Oh I had a few dreams a few weeks ago two in a row, I was going back to the meetings, and got in the drive way , got pissed at wanting to be accepted but decided I didnt want to be shunned for 6 months or so until I got reinstated,,,,,, so I turned around and told them to go to hell.

  WOW! That's cool! You are already progressing to the next level. That's very empowering when you start doing that in your dreams.

  Tammy