I confronted an abuser today

by anti-absolutism 9 Replies latest jw friends

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  anti-absolutism

  This elder didn't abuse me physically or sexually. He never intended to cause me any harm. He really felt that he ever "KNOWINGLY" did anything to harm me!

  That is where the biggest problem lies with Jehovah's Witnesses. (I'll expand on that later) This man had empathy and humility oozing through his veins, on an impersonal level. He was an amazing speaker. His voice was very calm, serene, caring and VERY UNDERSTANDING (until...............................I will get to that later).

  Now I will tell you why I confronted him..... and why he is an abuser..... jump back 10-20 yrs.

  My father was a man that, according to every person that knew him, was unbalanced.

  I, however, still at a tender age and under the JW mentality of respecting our parents, kept him in reverence. His emotional abuse was unbelievable, when I look at it now. He threatened and/or pretended suicide at least 12 times, from my recollection. Other abuse was prevalent as well. His pretending (which I only realized lately) hurt just as much or more.

  Now comes the time when the elder tonight becomes involved. When I was 19, I had had to move back in with my parents for personal reasons. Then, I was out late one night....('til 3:00 A.M.) with a JW but who hadn't been going to meetings for a few months. I hadn't been drinking but my father gave me the THIRD DEGREE. I took it. I even apologized. Then he started saying that MY attitude was similar to my mother's, which was the reason for their marriage problem. Friends, I can't list all of their problems.

  I told him that I accepted responsibility for staying out late but I would NOT LISTEN to him saying that their problems (mom and dads) were all mom's fault. Well, apparently my strong opinion pissed daddy off, 'cause he started wailing on MY HEAD. After about 5 blows I realized I had to recant on my previous bout of honesty. I knew instantaneously what I had to do, much like being attacked by a dog........ resort to THEIR level. So I cried and screamed that I had no right to say those things and that I was all wrong in saying them. After about the 13th to 17th blow he stopped and along with it ANY respect that I had had for my father stopped.

  Enter the Elder mentioned.....

  Actually before the elder is mentioned I have to say that, after wailing on my head, my father did eventually go to bed. And at that time that I felt it was safe, I ran to the door, grabbed my shoes, ran to my car, and sped away to my Aunt's house, fearful of him for the rest of HIS life. Terrible, but true. My aunt Liz was as Depeche Mode said, my personal Jesus...... THANK YOU, LIZ!!!!

  OK........ now the elder....

  I wanted to ask him ONE thing tonight. Would he have given the same advice as he did then? Oh, by the way his advice back then to me was, word for f___ing word, pardon the obscenities, teehee, " do you think that it was PROPER for you to say something like that that would make him react that way?

  What do you guys think about the reaction and ultimately, the whole thing?
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  RAYZORBLADE

  Geez anti-absolution. There were too many types of abuse going on.

  I am not surprised at this elders comment towards you, given your personal experience (trauma) with your father.

  From what I can recall, it's like...no matter what: it's somehow your fault

  It's almost like the battered-wife syndrome: you deserved it, you provoked it, you initiated this behaviour so as it to take place - that the abused will wrongly take the blame for something that they DID NOT do wrong. Anything to stop the yelling, screaming and beatings. It never stops, it could have and would have continued.....and good on ya for going to Aunt Liz's place.

  The abuse of your trust for confiding in him, as well as the lack of comfort and support from this elder, was evident.

  Can you imagine had you been sexually abused by a member of the congregation? Perish the thought, but I think you know where I'm going with this. We all know what goes on with matters pertaining to that. I wonder how that particular elder would have handled that one?

  You have every right to ask any questions you may have to this elder.

  If you are seeking comfort and support, I honestly think it's the wrong place to find it.

  I hope you'll remain here with us anti-absolution. Thank you for sharing your story, I am so sorry to know that you had to endure such a horrific incident.

  You'll be safe and sound here .

  Edited by - RAYZORBLADE on 10 February 2003 6:22:41
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  Wolfgirl

  Wow...that must have been hard for you to type. I know the feeling regarding the abuse. (((((AA))))) The elder was WAAAAAYYYYY off-base. I can't say too much more in the confines of polite conversation. This one hits home hard for me.
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  LovesDubs

  Men stick together...no doubt about that. And since daddy dearest was probably a pillar of the community, and NOBODY ever sees that part of him but his FAMILY...nobody believes YOU when you say its HIM! YOU must have done something to provoke it because hey...he doesnt do that to EVERYBODY only YOU, they say. My ex used to hit me and his kids (my steps) AND his ex wife it turns out...and always would say "Look what you MADE me do to you!" And...after four years of that, I started to believe him, that it was indeed me DOING something to deserve this. One day however, I wailed BACK on his ass...and understood what "seeing red" actually means. I had an out of body experience too. Never wailed on anybody before or since then, but it felt SO good. I didnt hurt the guy, but my flaling windmilling fists and red face coming at him, so took him off guard that he didnt touch me again after that. But then...I left a week later. SNUCK OUT to avoid being shot is more like it.
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  shera

  What you said was truth and the truth hurt.No matter what you did,was no calling for that violence.He sounds like someone who doesn't want to be held accountable for his actions.He was being mentaly abusive to you,comparing you to your mother..(nothing against your mother).He sounds like a cop out..everything is every body eleses fault.

  Take care and heres a Hug ((((anti-absolutism))))
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  AlanF

  : What do you guys think about the reaction and ultimately, the whole thing?

  This elder's attitude royally pisses me off. It's an exact reflection of the Society's attitude. In their view, parents can never be wrong. This often extends even to criminal conduct toward children. And of course, a man can never be wrong either, when there's a dispute between him and his wife or children -- as long as he appears to be a good JW on the outside.

  All of this reflects the Society's -- and therefore the JW community's -- desire to maintain the authority structure: God, Jesus, Governing Body, . . . elders, father, mother, children, pets. So even a whiff of a hint that a father might be wrong in "disciplining" his children is viewed as an attack on the entire structure. Why? Because if someone lower in the food chain is allowed actually to think that someone higher could be wrong, then it immediately follows that any JW is allowed to question the authority of elders, CO's, DO's and even the Governing Body. Can't have that, now, can we?

  I remember often thinking, during meetings when I was a teenager in the 1960s, how unfair it was for the Society always to be emphasizing the scripture that says, "children, obey your parents", while never emphasizing the equally important one, "fathers, do not be irritating your children". The implied message was: parents are never wrong. But I knew perfectly well that sometimes parents are wrong, and so I knew that something was very wrong with Watchtower teaching.

  I remember one time I actually tried to reason with my father when he was doing his usual nagging bit. I used the scripture about "fathers do not be irritating your children". His response? He wailed on me good. I knew then that it would never work to try to reason with someone higher up the WTS food chain in this way, since they would always use their claim of God-given authority to put you in the wrong. You see, trying to reason with God is not a good idea -- you'll always lose.

  AlanF
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  CoonDawg

  Sounds like this elder was more giving you a hard time because you evidently failed to learn the #1 doctrinal truth of JW's...."Appearance is always of the Utmost importance." Same in my family...to the outside, we looked exemplary, yet noone new that the father of these well presented, pioneering, answer generating little people...was routinely molesting his daughters. Most still fondly remember what an "exemplary" family we were. I never called the elders, but after I exposed what my father was doing to my sisters...(i told my mom)...and the elders got involved..I'll never forget not doing something right, or asking the wrong question or whatever...but my father grabbed me by the throad, nearly lifting me off my feet. I'll never forget that. I too lost all respect for my father. It wasn't long after that he was "diciplining" me for something...and I looked him in the eye and told him that if he ever hit me again, it would be the last time. I would start hitting back. I was only 13, but I was already almost 6' tall...and weighed about 180. He never did try hitting me ever again.

  Coon
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  anti-absolutism

  Further to what the elder said last night..... He went on to explain how, in many ways, even though very bad things like what happened to me (and also things like what happened to CoonDawg, AlanF,Shera and Wolf and my sister who was sexually abused by a couple of family members) do happen in the JW org. but that they are making every attempt to stop this.

  If I was looking for guidance from him I could have easily been swayed by his (and I mean this) genuineness. He didn't remember anything about the situation, mostly because as he said it, "there were just so many things that happened with my father". But he really, truly believes that their belief is still the truth.

  I explained that with all respect due to him for trying to be a kind person, there was still a HUGE problem for me, with their organization. I explained that it was very unfortunate that their STRUCTURE had created a place where people like my father and many other BAD people could be made to believe that they were "normal", in their actions. ( Alan F makes some good points on this.)

  I cannot hate my father or any JW's, because they live their lives in ignorance. About a half hour into the conversation this elder asked if this conversation was being taped. Can you imagine living a life wherein you feel that you NEVER do anything wrong and yet are paranoid to the point of worrying all the time if the WRONG things that you do actually do, will be found out. I asked this elder about his thoughts on the past because I wanted to know if he wanted to be mentioned in my book by Romeo Bourgeois or just R.B. (oops that slipped out.... tehee!!!) and I told him that I would respect his wishes to not mention his name in my book. (you see I have no Backkkksspace key to erase his name now.... lol)

  When he asked me if I was df'd he said, "you know in the future you should tell people that up front". Although, I did tell him I was no longer a JW, I did not mention why. The reason for my not giving full disclosure was apparent by his next reaction. He said he would not have spoken to me EXCEPT WHERE HE THOUGHT IT WAS ACCEPTABLE. My abusive father all of a sudden became better in his eyes again, since, as bad as he was to my family, HE was never df'd for it.

  It certainly leads me to believe that Heaven and Hell are right here on Earth, in our existence...... Peace to all the Good, Loving people out there...... deep down inside, YOU know who you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Love you...... Brad
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  wednesday

  It makes me physically ill to read accounts like this. When i think what a good hearted person u must be to not to have picked up the nearest object and hit him with it . all the while saying "want to hit me agin MF?" That is what a lot of kids would have done. I'm glad u had your aunt liz.

  Oh and the elder, what a miserable excuse for a human being.

  Edited by - wednesday on 10 February 2003 15:25:41
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  Goshawk

  Well-done Brad.

  You got the chance that most people who experience victimization never get to do. You got to confront a person who was part of the problem, if only an enabler.

  Edited by - goshawk on 13 February 2003 15:53:17