Unbeknown to the general membership, the watcher corporations throughout the English speaking world employs professional flatulents(noun). The reason for this should become obvious to those not familiar with the mind-controlled environment in the corporate gulags sometimes called congregations. I was one of several fartologists who was sent to various gulag hotspots to quell dissent.
We have three major specialities: The Ionizer, The Paint Peeler and The Sunday Special. (At this point I should state that farting is peculiar to the vulgar class; Flatulence, on the other hand, is a skill performed in arabesque precision and the two should never be confused) Now, The Ionizer is for the spiritual doubters and slugs. It works this way. I would be sent into a local gulag where either the wardens were concerned about the restless state of the serfs or the statistics suggested that low hours was harbinger to rebellion. Sitting at the back of the Hall near the fusebox I would silently flatulate. The gas had to be atmospherically light to permeate the lighting fixtures and fusebox. During a usually boring meeting air would be ionized in the fusebox and lighting, thus causing flashes and sparks and smoke and crackling. Naturally this co-incides with a prearraged meeting part dealing with slackers and their imminent destruction at Armageddon. The effect is predictable. Belief is immediately restored and field service improves.
The Sunday Special is reserved for those monotonous sleeper speeches where practically the whole audience enjoys catching up on slumber lost from attending meetings earlier in the week. The fartolgist has to either position himself near the return-air inlet of the airconditioning or sit in the middle of the audience. The gas is heavier clinging to the floor, but the risk of getting caught is greater because the flatulence emerges with volumes of air and noise. The result for the hapless recipients is involuntary muscle twitching, waking the slumbering proles. The molecular component of the gas is determined by food, and the effect is to restore doublethink, which handsome levels of sleep tends to dissipate. And you thought cognitve dissonance abrogation happens intellectually: It's done chemically! But this profession is fraught with danger. I recall the time I was sent to San Francisco to ply my art. What the Bethel gestapo failed to tell me was this particulat gulag was mostly Gay. Yes, one out of every three San Franciscans are Gay and the ratio is about the same around the Bay area in the gulags too. Anyhow I let rip with what I thought was the standard Sunday Special, but as soon as I smelled it I knew then I'd consumed the wrong recipe again. It was The Paint Peeler. One third of the whole audience became sexually aroused and suspicion pointed at me because I was the "noisy" stranger. Well, you know how it is when you sense danger? I raced to the door only to be intercepted by two 300lb bulldykes who slowed my egress. Five peter-smoochers grabbed me from behind and tried dragging me back inside the Hall. I let loose with another Paint Peeler,which temporarily disoriented my persecutors sending them reeling. This allowed me time to regroup and sprint outside. Fortunately there was a Police station nearby that I went for aid. The clamouring crowd outside the Police station caused me to wonder if this is how Lot felt in ancient Sodom. A phone call to Bethel Gestapo satisfied the Police that I'd done nothing wrong, but they couldn't bring the excited and aroused crowd to heel. Governor Reagan was forced to send in the National Guard. Perhaps some of you remember that disturbance years ago?