Personally, I like to stretch my legs and walk around the town rather than drive. If I want to go into the city I'll take the car rather than the bus or train. Unfortunately, this particular day my car wasn't available and so I had to take the bus.
On paying my fare and walking along the aisle it was obvious the bus was crammed pack with people, but I still managed to spot the only vacant seat. The man in the seat alongside was about 60 years of age and wearing a light coloured rain coat. On his lap was a shoe box, which he held securely.
As I was taking my seat next to him he looked up and so we smiled at each other. "All right?", I said. "Fine, thank you," came the reply.
The bus had only gone about 100 yards when I suddenly became aware of some obnoxious smell. It was so bad that I was concerned I'd picked something up; it seemed so close. I quickly smelt my arm pits. No, it wasn't my person (I'M ALWAYS WASHING).
I turned to the man sat beside me and said "What've you got in that box?"
"Nothing!", he quickly replied.
The bus drove on and the smell got worse.....
I checked the underside of my shoes, but there was no dog-dung. I checked my coat, lest I'd put it down somewhere and picked it up heavier than I'd left it. Still I couldn't find anything. The smell was now becoming overpowering!
I turned to the man again and, slightly louder, said "What HAVE you got in that box?"
"I've got nothing in this box?", came the reply.
A few hundred yards further along and I could stand it no longer. The SMELL was absolutely AWFUL. I checked my shoes again, I checked my armpits, I checked my coat, my trousers, everything!
Turning to the man sat beside me - and convinced his box held the answer - I screamed "WHAT'VE YOU GOT IN THAT BOX?!"
Nervously now, he said "I - I've got nothing in this box. Nothing at all!"
"YES YOU HAVE!", I retorted. "NOW OPEN IT!"
The man took the lid off the box and..........goodness gracious.........unbelievable...............horrible..............absolutely disgusting! The box contained the biggest piece of human dung I've ever seen! It must have been a full 9 inches long and at least 10 inches wide - a REAL WHOPPER!
Almost speechless, but welling up with anger I said:" WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT!!?"
In a so matter-of-fact kind of way he replied "I'm taking it to the opticians."
"The opticians!", I replied incredulously, "What on earth for?!
"Well, you see", came the polite reply, "every time I do one of these it makes my eyes water."