OK, I read the thread here: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/47572/1.ashx that is indeed from a 1955 women's magazine (or the 2003 bound volume of The Watchtower), and me thinks it's time for an update. Keep in mind that I did this based on my sister's situation: she's married to a total loser who takes cash advances on his credit card to buy beer and lottery tickets, and then lies about it, because my horrible, evil sister thinks it's more important to pay the mortgage and gas bill than to give him money for gambling and drinking.
The Good Wife's Guide: 2003
- Have dinner ready. Drag yourself to the freezer and try to figure out whether he would like the Swanson's Hungry Man Dinner of the Fried Chicken dinner. Peel back the lids. Try to remember when you actually bought them and wonder how long they're good for. Eliminate all traces of freezer burn, running them under cold water if necessary. Most men are so freaked out from rush hour traffic and famished when they get home that they'll be grateful for antyhing that resembles food.
- Prepare yourself. Lick your fingers to remove the mascara that's semi-caked under your eyes. Vow that you'll throw away the tube that you've been using for the last 8 months and buy a new one. Re-pin your bra strap, or tie it if you think that'll work better. Try to remember when the last time was you washed your hair. Put some gel on the sides to hide the grease and to give you that punk rock look that you've been aiming for.
- Clear away the clutter. Gather everything up and throw it downstairs in the basement or the nearest closet; which ever is more convenient. Have one last trip to the liquor store just before your husband arrives, but remember to hide all the empty bottles.
- Try to remember where you put the children.
- Pretend to be happy to see him.
- Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him but chances are he's done something incredibly stupid throughout the day which requires your immediate attention if you don't want the bank to forclose in the next 30 days. Check his life insurance policy to make sure he doesn't have his mommy down as the beneficiary and see if there's a double indemnity clause if he dies in an 'accident.'
- Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night, because the coppers will be able to use that as a motive when he suddenly goes missing.
- Tell him you don't mind that he went to the casino with the mortgage money and lost; instead, make him comfortable. Have him lean way, way back in a comfortable chair so he cannot get up without a struggle. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Try to ignore the holes in his socks. Holding the pillow over his face, quickly grab his shoe and whack him over the head with it. Use as many whacks as necessary. You may have to tell him why you're doing this, so he doesn't think it's just PMS. Eat a chocolate bar to settle yourself down.
- Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity, as you know you won't get an intelligent answer and will only upset yourself.
- A good wife always knows her place.