i have upset people in the last few days (you can feel vibes through computer). im sorry, i didnt intend it. my story might reveal where im coming from
my father was prominent in the wts & in our cong. he was co (before elders) and served on dfing committees. when there was a dfing he would be very upset and would upset the family. he was volatile self-centered. jw teachings re place of women allowed him to demand service and obedience from the females in the family. they were devalued and beaten down mentally and emotionally. self worth was nil. at the same time the only love i received was from my father as my mother had mental problems & did not have the capacity to love or care for her children. but we were all faithful jws, a perfect picture.
when i married i chose someone much like my father (what a surprise). we had a very sexual but uncon-summated relationship before marriage. this all changed our wedding night when suddenly he didn't want anything to do with me. classic madonna/whore syndrome. my existence was very dark and i felt worthless and trapped, but i continued to pioneer and smile at kh.
as an adult i discovered that throughout childhood an unorthodox and forbidden sexual behavior had been taking place between my father and another family member. this never came to light in the cong. i loved my father despite everything and was afraid of him. i had also brought unrelated events to the attention of the elders see 2 & l/2 incidents) and nothing was done. a sibling ultimately committed suicide. my world disintegrated as everything i believed in, loved, lived for crumbled. (father, marriage, org. god)
i became involved with a coworker and was totally vulnerable. i was madly in love and when this person told me to leave my husband & religion i never looked back. i was obsessed but also mistreated. i have tried to understand why my feelings were so extreme. in following years i lost all faith, turned my back on god & his word, yet always with deep feeling of impending doom as i was involved in all kinds of unchristian behavior, in fact had contempt for "christians".
i was traumatized by 9ll, thinking destruction any second. i didnt know if it was possible but i was going to set my life right or die. one night i prayed for the first time in years - maybe ever since i never felt my prayers connected in the past. yet this time i said, "ok, i dont know if you exist, i have no idea if youre there. if you are im trying to find you. if youre really there why dont you come and find me." within minutes i met an acquaintance who offered me a book on basic christianity that someone had given her as she planned not to read it. the significance of that didn't dawn on me then, but later as i read i was overwhelmed and began to feel that there was some hope for me. since then i have gotten back into scripture, have discovered for the first time the love of the Lord Jesus Christ and received him as my Savior. i am amazed at his love and mercy and i realize he wants all to be reconciled to him. the book of romans has become a cherished friend.
my life has just begun. finally i have found freedom, peace and im not afraid anymore.
my story isnt extraordinary, many here have been thru hell. i was excited to come here because i have not been able to talk to anyone who understands where iv been -didn't know where to find other xjws, tho the xjw label slowly & surely gives way to "new christian". i judge no one as how could i remove the splinter from my brothers eye when there is a rafter in my own. im interested in all of you and how you got to be where you are, and, i suppose i hoped for some validation of my own experience.
best wishes and love, nowisee