I was paroled in 1969. I had been in prison since 1967.
I was a political prisoner compelled by my religion to refuse Military Service.
(In order to preserve my Faith, I could only change my thoughts.
I couldn't change what happened. I could only change how I remembered what happened, how I reported what happened.)
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THE FIRST RULE OF SANITY
Each of us carries our world inside our head and it has been built a day at a time, a thought at a time.
This "world-building" more or less matches the real, objective world outside our head.
Except...Not perfectly.
There's a really good reason for that.
You'd go mad if the two matched exactly.
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Thinking is NOT always an honest process.
No. No. No.
Between the horror and the human being is THE WALL.
Each of us has a circuit-breaker
for unbearable thoughts protecting us from severe trauma
triggered at the unbearable moment.
What does this mean?
The first rule of Sanity:
"The unthinkable must NOT be thought."
Denial
If you can't bear a thought--you say, "No! I refuse to believe it".
This is the circuit breaker shutting down.
Lies
A child confronted with a misdeed--rather than facing punishment--will LIE. It isn't sophisticated; it is NATURE; avoiding pain.
Lying is the act of hiding reality from others while Denial is the act of hiding reality from your Self.
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Our Mind cannot operate without data.
Survival often demands we corrupt that data.
Sanity is the perfect balance between "thinkable" and the
unthinkable thoughts.
Question:
What person do you know who does not "moderate their mood" by some kind of pill or consciousness-altering substance either legal or illegal?
The horror must be avoided at any cost!
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In prison, at the age of 20, my Faith assured me I could not and would not ever be outside the full protection of my God. This was an unshakeable belief.
Then, the horror.
I was assaulted.
My FAITH was betrayed by reality.
This was unthinkable.
My circuit breaker shut me down.
Denial. Then Lies.
The lie: it was an "attempted" assault.
In order to preserve my Faith, I could only change my thoughts.
I couldn't change what happened. I could only change how I remembered what happened, how I reported what happened.
Otherwise, there would be consequences unbearable to me and to the "world" I built and lived inside.
I would lose my Faith, self-respect, my Brothers and Sisters, my Purpose, my self-respect and--perhaps, worst of all:
"the only True Religion" might not be true.
So...
Denial. Lies.
With this "COGNITIVE DISSONANCE" I saved the world! (My world)
With an imbalance of the mind, comes the great cost. Sanity.
I had suffered a trauma. Lying about the severity of it was like taking an aspirin for a bullet wound.
I began to unhinge. I split into two people.
Like many JW's, I began to live a Double Life.
Terry #1 was a devout Jehovah's Witness devoting 100 hours each month to the ministry and serving in the local congregation as a shining example of what a young man should be.
Terry #2 was an embittered, angry young man filled with rage and desperate to escape my fake world.
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I was paroled in 1969. I had been in prison since 1967.
The Me I had become was on a collision course with disaster.
I lasted 5 years in a slow, crumbling disintegration of a person conflicted by every thought, value, and feeling. I was in a war with my Self.
Fight or Flight?
I fled.
Here is what haunts me.
Millions of JW's remain behind. What if I had done that? Would I dissolve into a robotic "True Believer" like all those people I still know today?
I took my wife and 3 children with me. I didn't abandon them.
I couldn't.
Many men do just that very thing: A Clean Break.
My father did that. I suffered a miserable childhood.
How could I do the same?
I could not.
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Millions of Jehovah's Witnesses face Cognitive Dissonant thoughts every day.
They reconcile Reality with Faith in the Organization.
The Horror is unthinkable: "I am in a cult."
Those of us who speak out are branded Apostates who must not be allowed to speak. The JW must never listen.
What price do they pay?
Sanity?
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I think the worst Cognitive Dissonance is at the top of the Organization inside the mind and mindset of the Governing Body.
Each and every villain since time began believes he is good.
Where is their Sanity?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Y17YaZRRvY